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#372483 - 10/15/11 05:59 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: head&heart]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
well H&H...

i thank you from the depth of my soul for your very clear and thoughtful response.

it never occurred to me that the emotional intimacy could just as likely be an expression of acting out/SSA...and as you can see, it has been what i have been holding onto for the strength to stay for a long time.

i do love Ben, more than i have ever loved before, but you seem so clearly right about this...and the emotional intimacy as acting out may very well be taking that form with him because of how young the abuse occurred, rather than indicating all the other things i read.

i will never know which is right i guess, but you have made the most sense to me through this whole ordeal..and i greatly thank you for that.

i must now embrace this, grieve this, and find strength to actually do it.


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#372526 - 10/16/11 01:43 AM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: lovingBen]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
still struggling with that last post...could it really be that all i learned and felt from him was that off base about the emotional intimacy??

i suppose that could be the case, but i think for me i need to make this decision assuming i am correct about that...can/should i stick this out and endure years of pain that could be otherwise spent in a potentially happy and more normal life?

the cost of losing him for good now vs. the benefit of maybe finding happiness without him...even if he really is my one true love...vs losing more years to this pain and torture sticking this out and hoping for a life that never comes...


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#372530 - 10/16/11 02:05 AM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: head&heart]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi LovingBen

There are several thoughts I have, and I am certainly no Guru.

Through my recovery from CSA, my heart has always been more for the families of the survivors. Everyone knows what happens to the survivor, and what he has been through, and the pain of recovery.

Few, outside of this forum, realize the impact it has on the spouses and families.
This is something I realized, and it scared me. When I see what I had put my family through for the last 20 years I wanted to cry. (well I did) So I like to give advice to families, and have learn't a few things from the wonderful people on this site.

We don't know what is going through Ben's head right now. We can speculate and guess, but only Ben really knows. And what he Knows he cannot trust right now.
So to speculate as to whether he is or isn't, will do YOU no good at this time.

I have learnt that as a Partner in this situation, You need to learn to control the things that YOU CAN CONTROL.
The one thing that you can control in this situation is your thoughts, and your well-being.

You need to learn to look after yourself. Get yourself right, learn all you can about this CSA monster, yes knowledge is power.
Don't get optimistic about the outcome, it might not work out that way.
Do however strengthen yourself, and your resolve to improve your life. I'm not saying that you should write of Ben, but don't live hoping that he will return. (What if he doesn't)

Control your world, and if Ben comes back, you will have the knowledge and inner strength to deal with him and his problems, Without it impacting your life to severely.

Learn about CSA, learn about Co dependance, and learn about sexual identity issues.
With this knowledge you will be able to help him without it hurting you to much. That is then a win win situation.

It is also a great possibility, that if you move on to another relationship, that he might be a survivor.
People seem to be prone to attracting similar sorts of partners throughout their lives. So the knowledge will stand you in good stead in the future.

Feel free to PM me
Best for your quest.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#372557 - 10/16/11 02:10 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I've thought about this for a couple of hours (I wasn't going to respond because I haven't read much about SSA vs Gay) but it occurred to me (in the shower where many revelations come!) that what you see as a SSA vs. Gay issue is really nothing more than what every single one of us in Friends and Family is dealing with. You are in love with who the survivor WANTS to be. Martin is the most eloquent of responders on this site and everything he said is true (I've applied it and it has made the world of difference in my perspective and disposition), and I'd like to add, don't even worry about if he's really gay or not.

The bottom line is he cheats. He lies. Real relationships, real intimacy cannot survive in such a toxic environment. How do I know, because I live in this environment and have for the last 12 years). What you feel is real, but it isn't reality (I hope that makes sense). Reality only exists with truth and cheating and lying aren't going to cut it. Living with a survivor not actively pursuing healing is living on high alert. Even the good times (and there are lots of good times, we hooked up with good looking, charming, smart, funny, men!) are marred by a nagging sense of dread of what is coming down the pike.

Many years ago, I heard a pastor say God shows you everything you need to see about a person, it's up to you to pay attention. You have been given a big ole blinking neon sign. How many of us would have loved to see the sign you are seeing.

I believe it is the right thing for me to work things out with my husband right now. He is trying. He is going to therapy. He says he is trying to stop lying (how would I know if that were true). But I'm not going to work harder on his recovery than he is and you shouldn't either. Many of us have legal and/or logistical entanglements (children, etc) but you have no such things. If you wanted to wade into this for the long haul with a partner willing to do the work, my answer would be different.

One more thing. You sound almost wistful at the woman who has his attention now. Brother, she is in for the same world of hurt you are feeling. If you are envious, it's only at the mirage she is existing in. Think about it. She is in love with a liar and a cheater. She probably does't know about you and that means someone he spent time and energy and affection with is hidden from her. Where is the intimacy in that for her? Both you and her are getting shorted, you just happen to have more information than her right now. Apply it and move on.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#372561 - 10/16/11 02:33 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: GoodHope]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Eldee

thanks so much for reading all that and even taking the time to think about it in the shower no less :-)

i am getting very helpful responses here and on pm...and yours is no exception.

i guess i really never thought about the idea of not having any meaningful logistical reason to stay, ie: children or a home or a twenty year marriage...i've only thought about the love, which as you say, isn't based in real reality really.

and yes, i think i am experiencing her as the one he gets to be happy with without paying closer attention to the fact that she's me 2 years ago x 100 because he's such a good romantic with girls and she's young and impressionable and already planning their wedding in her mind.

i am realizing these last few days that i am like a battered person. i have removed myself from my usual support systems and activities and friends, and have been sitting in this for essentially a year becuase it's all secret and no one would ever understand unless they knew about CSA.

i'm balancing my sadness against what i know i need to do and the fear that he really is the one true love of my life.

thank you so much, and god bless you for your strength and willingness to share and teach.


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#372571 - 10/16/11 06:12 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: lovingBen]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi again Eldee--

you said something else that has grabbed me hard...

"Many years ago, I heard a pastor say God shows you everything you need to see about a person, it's up to you to pay attention. You have been given a big ole blinking neon sign. How many of us would have loved to see the sign you are seeing."

do you think that had there not been children, etc., most of the partners/spouses would not make the same choice to stay if they had it all to do over knowing what they know?

sorry to be a broken record...i just am so confused about my feelings and afraid to make the wrong choice given the consequences at stake this time.


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#372573 - 10/16/11 06:29 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: lovingBen]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Everyone's answer is different. CSA alone would not be the dealbreaker, nor his porn addiction, but the cheating and lies area very very very (did I mention very?) difficult for me. It is truly the antithesis of how I live my life and not at all how I expected any relationship (friend or life partner) to operate. And you know what? When we were dating I caught him in stupid little lies and called him on it yet ignored my gut telling me anyone who would lie about inconsequential things is bound to lie about major things. God showed me. I didn't want to pay attention.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#372574 - 10/16/11 06:33 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Also seeking treatment would be required.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#372576 - 10/16/11 06:36 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: GoodHope]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
that's exactly how i feel...and i am feeling like i should escape before it's too late.

i feel like i could go through this with him if he really let...the bomb drops and my "late discoveries" have become too much.

was just re-reading annie's thread...nuff said.

thank you again...and god bless you...you will be in my prayers tonight.


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#372578 - 10/16/11 06:42 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Pps: I also think God has me here to deal w my self righteousness about lying and cheating. Ive been doing some praying,study and introspection and I'm forgiving and understanding and non judgmental about EVERYTHING except that. For this lesson, I'm grateful. I want to be like Jesus.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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