I'm looking to understand better what you *did* learn from that sexual encounter. Worth it / not worth it? Did you learn something or did it just leave you feeling guilty and angry?
All I learn't is A: that I am more dysfunctional than I anticipated.
B: The shame and disgust were immense.
C: That having sex with another person would not make me feel like more of a man or more in control or more powerful.
Although I had thought about how I would dominate and control those people, and command them to do this or that, the actual act never came anywhere near that.
As I said, all it left me was sorrow, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It also left me with a profound feeling of being different and definitely not fitting in with the "normal" man thing.I did however learn
that I was, and never would be a monster, a dominatrix and someone who would physically force someone to do what they did not want to do. I also Learnt that I was definitely not a homosexual.
So I suppose that a lesson was learn't.
As they say, All things happen for good.