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#37229 - 07/01/02 06:24 AM WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
oh fuck i just went through hell. That wasnt a damn flashback that was a living nightmare. I started wanting to act out my fantasies and i kept telling myself no and this pressure just kept building and building until i started to freak out. I went nuts and stripped naked and started rocking back and forth and drooling, but i woudlnt let myself use the fantasies i have been because they were like a drug, and i didnt want to be a slave. I tried to get angry before i went a little whacko and was shadow boxing and exercising and i guess thats when i started to feel really wierd. I kept having feelings like i was being raped and going into convulsions that maybe mirrored being raped, i dont know. After i sat there rocking for a long time and yelling in my head that i wasnt going to do it i calmed down a bit a started remembering all these things that seem really important and are maybe really distorted, like blocking the door of my moms ex boyfriend when he was living with us while he was trying to bust into my room screaming at me. He always said i was weak and put me down all the time, he was a racist and a drunk. I remember one timme I picked up the cat and was going to bring it in my room because it was scared and i just sat there while wes yelled at me and told me that animals dont have feelings and that i was weak, and i shut the door right in his fucking face. Please dont tell me im an abuser i never wanted to hurt ANYBODY i tried and i tried I dont know anymore because i cant remember ANYTHING! Its all blurry and confusing and i dont know who hurt what or who hurt me because i always thought i deserved to be hurt, because i thought if thats all that happens to me then that must be my purpose to hurt for other people, to be a matyr. If you cant do anything but be in pain, then you should try and suffer for a reason, but i didnt know that i could have a life or that i didnt deserve it. I'm so tired, i dont want to sleep because im too scared. I remembered i did all sorts of wierd things and i dont know how much of it was just me, if i just made it up to be only me and not somebody else. I remember i would break into my mom and wes's room because it had a seperate lock on the door. I would use a butterknife and really humiliate myself while masturbating. I dont want to say what im about to because it is graphic and humiliating but i cant keep it secret anymore but i used to steal my mooms shoes and panty hose and call myself a whore while i watched the moviesl. I didnt know, i was only thirtteen! And the movies were so strange i am freaking out i am wondering if maybe it wwas me in the videos or them, this is all so hard, my head keeps pounding and throbbing and my stomach is tied in knots. I feel sick. I have to try and calm down, i am trying to tell myself that it is not my fault and that i didnt deserve it and its ok to love but a part of me is too scared and wont listen. I wish somebody was here right now who understood, who would tell me im not crazy. I know you will all be there for me so i will hang on i will make it through this night. If i didnt have here to talk, i might have exploded and broke down. i feel a little calmer now, i am going to go and try to relax.


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#37230 - 07/01/02 12:21 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I wish I could be out there for you!
Michigan is a long way away. If you want my email just ask. I have gone through similar stuff.

Love

Michael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#37231 - 07/01/02 04:26 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken
know one thing for certain, we're with you all the way.

Resisting acting out, no matter what form it took - and I also used all that kind of stuff you talk about for MAXIMUM self humiliation, was a huge fight. ( I disguised it as the quest for the ultimate wank !! )
And actually resisting what I suppose I would call the "pinnacle" of my acting out, sex with strangers, was easier than resisting what took place behind closed doors with my imagination, and whatever else I could use. I guess that being on my own allowed me to "perfect" the fantasy, it would be way stronger than if I was out cruising - there's distractions out there that have to be dealt with. But either way I could make myself high on the adrenaline rush, completely out of control.
These kind of solo fantasy episodes still occur with me, but I don't let them affect me as much now because they have faded away to a huge extent, very occasionally I give in and I feel guilty and ashamed for doing so, but it's brief and no real trouble.
I don't tell you that to make you think I'm rubbing it in, or bragging about my recovery, no. What I'm saying is that I went through similar scenes, and if I managed to resist acting out, maybe not resisted masturbating, I would count it as one small victory for me and one defeat for the abusers who drove me to it.
I sense your small victory there Broken, it's hell while it's happening but each victory gets bigger and easier. Ok, sometimes I lost- but eventually I won more than I lost. ENJOY YOUR VICTORIES, every one of them, remember the victories and not the defeats.

Remember that what other people did to you drives you, I don't get the feeling you have hurt anyone- not YOU. Any hurt that has been done was theirs, your abusers. Any hurt that was done to people around me like my wife and family was done by them, all I did was pass it on. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I had no control of that at the time.
Now I tell myself that they took me by the hand and led me to the stinking toilets for sex with strangers, it was them that ruined 30 years of mine and my wife's lives, they must have done - because I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT !!!

Telling your Uncle was a good thing to do, a secret shared is no longer a secret. And if he believes you or not it doesn't really matter, telling him makes YOU feel better.

Survivors like us are two people when we are under the influence of our abusers, our real selves - and puppets of the bastards that lead us by the hand. And if we were as bad and evil as they are we wouldn't be here, we wouldn't be trying to recover from our living hell.
We're here because we ARE as normal and decent as most people, we just don't believe it. We still believe our abusers to whatever degree, and they tell lies, we KNOW that for sure. And abusers don't seek help, they like what they do.
We're not like that Broken, that I promise you.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37232 - 07/01/02 10:26 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Broken,
I felt like crying when I read this post from you. I can feel your pain so real. I hate being alone with my mind..the fanticies I have...I have to just keep telling me that acting out anymore isnt an option..not for me..not for my wife...not for my kids....but mostly for me.....I wish you all the luck in the world.....good job telling you uncle...just one person knowing is better than facing this alone....just remember Broken your not alone...we are all with you on this road....as bumpy as it may seem......
((((((((hugs for you))))))))
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#37233 - 07/01/02 11:28 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I am speechless other than to say you survived the abuse, you can make it through this???? My thoughts are of you and your pain. Be well stay well

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#37234 - 07/02/02 04:49 AM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
i couldnt stop myself last night, i just felt like if i didnt do it i was going to die. I struggle with this a lot, its horrible because the war is always fought on the weakest front. Something inside me was ripped to shreds a long time ago. I guess since i thought that this stuff doesnt happen to boys, and because maybe i had been forced to act like a girl, that i was like a sissy or a whore or something. But i am a man, i dont want to be a girl, i dont want to act like one or dress like one, maybe its just i thought that was all i was good for. I guess i always thought if i wanted it then it was all my fault and so everything would be okay, because that was just what i wanted and deserved. I always felt tottally immobilized around women, like i was just a thing that they could use if they wanted to but never did.

I dont ever understand, its like i KNOW these things happened, but i dont FEEL them. People are animals, i never feel safe expressing emotions because men see them as weakness, and i have no footing to stand on. I cant quote one hero from history that was respected for strength AND kindness, because most humans, men and women and still monkeys. They dont know it but they are just really smart animals who follow the path of least resistance. You never hear a story about a man who wrestled bears and a man who loved children at the same time, even though you know some guys somewhere are like that.

I still dont feel well, i need to eat but i havnt been able to. My stomach feels really knotted and tight, i havnt been able to relax at all. I keep thinking about all the things i used to do and wondering why i did them. I remember i used to go out at 2 in the morning on ten mile long walks, after i hadnt slept right or eaton anything substantial for days, but now i am wondering why i would do that. I am wondering when my mom used to check on me in my room, what she did. I just remember her standing there but it is confusing. Maybe i was trying to get away from her. I remembered always wanting to run away sometimes, but i knew i would end up broke and homeless, and probably just come right back.

Something i noticed last night was the harder i tried to stop myself, the worse my headaches got. Am i trying to hard to deal with this? Maybe i am going too fast, but it is so hard for me to see life everywhere and be depressed and alone. I want to make some new friends, but i dont know where to go. I was thinking maybe mensa, the smart people group, if i could stomach it maybe i could meet some people there. Most people are so docile and sedated, its like they have had the life sucked right out of them. Colledge bugs me, because i dont want to go myself, and there are so many drugs there. If i try hard enough, i can relate to anyone, even serial killers to some degree, but i cant make anyone want to relate to ME. I have just seen so many extremes in life, people dont understand. Tomorrow i see my new therapist, and i ordered a few books for male survivors online. i am going to try and call some numbers before i go, try and find a support group, but i dont know if i will find one. How the hell do you find these places? Its like you need a lost treasure map or something. I will NOT feel comfortable being the only male in a group of women, i wouldnt care if it were mixed, but i couldnt be the only guy there. I have heard some acronyms but i dont know any numbers. It really pisses me off about abuse by women, with other types of abuse, your still probably not going to be believed, but with women, its almost certain.

I dont know anymore about what specificly happened to me. I have all these pieces of puzzles and they dont make any sort of sense i want to believe. I remember i had a female baby sitter, and i remember her slapping me once, but the things that went on are so fuzzy, i remember one of the twin boys who lived there had a knife and was screaming and crying once, i have no idea what about, maybe he was going to kill himself. The question then is why a kid in fifth grade would want to slash his wrist.

I remember hearing that if you really wanted to kill yourself by slashing your wrists, youd do it down the vien, not across. I am not sure where i first heard that, but i guess it stuck with me. Most people do it across. I dont think they really want to die.

I sure as hell dont want to die, but sometimes it feels like all i am doing is waiting for it to happen. Sometimes i cant tell the will to live from the fear of dying. They arent the same, but when it feels like your just waiting to die, you wonder what is taking so damn long. If i am going to get hit by a passing bus or shot by a mugger i want to get it over with, and thiking about that makes me jumpy as hell. If i am going to die like that then i want to say i did something, and that kind of makes me want to start trouble rather than be a victom of circumstance all the time. This just makes me feel worse, because i know i cant. There is only so much in life you can take gracefully, its frustating.

I am tired i am going to sleep now. thanks for listening.


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#37235 - 07/02/02 08:02 AM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
embersglow Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 19
Loc: Minn
Hi Broken (you aren't!),

My heart goes out to you. One of the worst thing abuse does is take away our home inside our own bodies.

You are normal. You are dealing with the horror of the abuse. And you are making progress. Obviously you are in a safe enough place to begin to accept the truth and that will lead you to healing.

I don't want to preach, so I will tell you what I did. I used to have nights and days like you describe. And it was crazy and scary and I wanted to die. Thing really began to change for me recently. My view of me has changed drastically.

I started to look at the convulsions and contortions and obsessive scary thoughts as messages from me to me. I began to forgive myself for what I have done, and to forgive myself for being helpless to stop the abusers.

I started to listen to what the boy inside was saying, and I honestly think he is listening. There are other ways to tell me, and other ways to live, I told him.

And it works. I am repeating a mantra inside. I treat myself with gentleness, humor, love, and respect, to the best of my ability. When the action starts now, the fear arrives first. And I immediately use the mantra.

And now words are coming from inside me. I hear the things I was afraid of, and the beliefs I had about life. "something bad is going to happen" "God hates me, and if I don't love him I will go to hell"

I was in hell, but now I am out. I spent 30 years hiding in my room. By getting the core beliefs to the surface, I can see what the affect is now, and I use a higher power to try to change them or at least lessen their affect today.

I now think of it like this: I have a very wounded past, it affects every aspect of my life, I want a better life and new beliefs, I would help an abused child by listening to him, giving him comfort and attention, and validate his feelings.

And I give him hope and make him feel important.

The main thing I do is try to make each day a better one than the day before. I try to do one thing at least every day to be good to him. It is really tough at first, but it gets easier, and the benefits are tremendous.

My personal opinion is that recovery is accelerated the more I say to another EXACTLY what is going on in me. What I think, what I feel. I share reality, as you are doing.

I am no longer completely alone in my head. Boy, that sure sounds wierd. Hell, there has always been a shitload of us in here!

Good healing to you! You are normal!

Ken


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#37236 - 07/02/02 07:02 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I've spent today on my own, driving around from job to job with actually very little to do. I drank too much coffee, smoked too much, read my paper and ate too much chocolate as I sat around stretching the jobs out before going back to my base.
These were the days I acted out, but today I had no such trouble at all.

I remembered all this today and thought of Broken and this thread and wondered how have I managed to get to a position where I can now spend a day on my own and not be bothered by my old troubles.

Well, I thought about it for a long time and couldn't find a definate answer, there is nothing I did that can be easily packaged into a "cure"
My recovery has been a long, gradual fight with my behaviours and acting out, and an equally gradual learning process where I thought long and hard about what I wanted my future to be like.
Once I decided I didn't want it to be anything like my past it became easier to sort out.

I really cannot think of one practical thing, or one set way of dealing with a problem that can be passed on. It's cold comfort to someone who's still doing battle to read that from someone who's recovered, or nearly recovered; but we're so different in many ways that "standard practice" is impossible.

What we can give each other is support, encouragement, an occasional laugh and a few tears. We can offer advice based on what worked for us, but I think that that is possibly more inspiriational than solid advice.

I wish I could write a list of "What I did" and tell you with confidence that it will work for you all, if I did I'd be lying.
We're all individuals, we're survivors, and as such we have our own ways of coping with our troubles. And that's where the strength is, I eventually figured it out.

I had it all along, I bet we all do.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37237 - 07/02/02 08:58 PM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I was up until 4am this morning, wide awake, absolutely terrified of going to sleep. I though about your posts, Broken, and I thought about me. I cried my self to sleep around 4, woke up at 6 am, still terribly anxious. Played solitaire on computer at work all day. Came home. Ate, Came here. And another evening and night approaches. Eventually I will pass out from exhaustion? I too am confused...i can't find any strenght anymore. I'm so tired of fighting myself and with my wife. I snap at my kids when they ask me what time it is or for an ice cream cone. My wife says "Move ON" Where the hell am I moving to?

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#37238 - 07/03/02 08:07 AM Re: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
i dont know if i can stop myself from hurting myself a lot of times, i dont even know if i can stop myself tonight. But i know i can fight it, even while im doing it i can fight it in a way. I can fight it by telling myself its not my fault i have these feelings, it is sad that i hurt myself, but i am not doing anything wrong, and i dont deserve it. Sometimes i dont know what is best for me, i lot of times it comes down to whether i want to sleep or not, if i can take the pain of NOT doing it. And its not a fair choice because im still a little kid when i have to make it. A part of me i am begginging to realize is a half dead five year old street rat who doesnt believe a word of what im saying. Before i managed to leave home i was sure i was going to die, that i would just drop dead from despair or rot away into nothing. I didnt really think i was going to make it out, and that despair is still with me, it followed me like a wound. I still feel like im in critical condition, like that warm glowy part of us that everybody thinks so highly of has tubes and wires hooked up to it. Im so terrified of trying to live again, its how i used to feel about every new school year, thinking maybe it wont be so bad this time, maybe i will get to learn something usefull or interesting this year. Maybe the kids wont make fun of me, maybe i will make new friends or even meet a girl. Its like that now. Maybe i will meet somebody who is kind and wont care about what im going through, maybe i will be witty and intelligent enough to make a good impression. Maybe i can find somebody with high ambitions or at least shares similiar interests. Maybe i will lose the virginity of my spirit by my own free will.

I had i wierd dream where i was tryint to get away from my mother. She was in the car and she had some exuse as to why to visit things went really wierd and i ended up in an old house in its attic, and it was really creepy. I found aome cash it the droor and took it then got the hell out of there, but the attic was importtant, i wa looking for it for something, bu i never found it. I was looking for evedence of me as a child and other people in photographs. Doing things. I had anotther wierd dream where i went back in time, to my moms moms house, and everybody there was talking and eating dinner, but i was a ghost, i couldnt talk to any of them. i hung around in the back yard for a long time and then started tripping, i seemed like the world was spinning and all the stars where litterally dancing, and i just felt like i had taken the biggest acid hit. There was this vibe, it started out being really peacefull but then it got choatic and mean. I think all the stars spinning around me woke me up. I dreamed too that i was playing ninja outside of weses trailer, which was on the beach for some reason, a i kept finding i could do all these amazing stunts and and doing all these mystical moves just by practicing. I felt like i was comletely zen that by willing it it happened, and i would use this magic secret of ninjas to jump high in the are and start flying. but my mom and wes, whenever they were around, i was too afraid to do them, and they threw off my concentration, so i kept trying to sneak around and get their attention while i was doing it, but since they made me lose faith in myself, i would fall down and trip a lot. I got so mad i just jump into the sky, and when i broke past the clouds i saw the lights of th stars swirling again. I have had a lot of wierd dreams lately i dont know why.

Well, im gonig to go, i hope we have good dreams, or failing that interesting ones.


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