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#374122 - 11/02/11 11:50 PM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: WriterKeith]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6847
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Just wondering, did anyone else here suffer bullying on top of sexual or physical abuse? I had the sexual abuse/physical torture thing happening at home, and was severely bullied at school daily from grades 7-12.

Am wondering what our similarities are, as it is helpful in understanding the complex mix of the two. Also wondering if and how you found a way to work beyond it as an adult.

Thanks,
Keith smile


I was excluded from having friends, and in junior high school (now called middle school), I was marginalized socially. I guess that's a form of bullying.

It established me as being a loner. I'm still living with that. It's a difficult thing to overcome.

Puffer


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#374124 - 11/03/11 12:43 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: dark empathy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
DE,
There's a lot there to digest. You've uncovered a deeper layer in the discussion and I find it very helpful in my situation as well.

I don't know why this has never come up in my therapy experiences. The 2 issues directly feed each other, and in cases like yours and mine, it seems important to sort out these 2 major traumas in order to manage their impressions on us. What are your thoughts?

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#374125 - 11/03/11 12:46 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: pufferfish]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Puffer,
I am glad you shared that. All this time, and I thought it was just me.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#374126 - 11/03/11 12:49 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: Magellan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
"I, also, wonder how this has flavored my ability to be close to people (on top of CSA affects). Angry that therapists don't seem to take this into consideration, that I'm not just a CSA survivor, but also a survivor of school bullying."


You said it, D. I thought I was alone on this, but evidently it desperately needs to be addressed by those in the profession.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#374133 - 11/03/11 05:12 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: WriterKeith]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Kieth.

As I said for me, separating bullying from abuse isn't really possible, sinse the bullying was! abuse, or at least became so gradually.

There is no single moment or memory I can point to and say "that was too far" sinse it really was a case of something that just increased over the three years from 12-15, I didn't even realize myself until suddenly when i was 13 or so I'd actually start shaking when walking past a particular door or find myself avoiding situations like the changing rooms at P.E.

I remember how hard admiting to the word "bullying" truly was, even the sound of the word was actually wrong to me for some reason, and admitting any of the other stuff that happened was something I didn't even want to considder. Kids are always told "go and tell someone" as regards bullying advice, yet the worse the bullying is, the more personal, and the closer to literal abuse, the more alone a person is and the harder talking about it becomes.

One difference certainly in my case, betwene the sa I experienced and that experienced by people who were abused by family members or parents, is that for me there was no ambiguity at all. it was unashamedly, unreservedly bad, there are no ambiguities about my relationship to an abuser sinse I didn't have one, what happened to me ws public, casual, and basically happened because the people involved didn't have anything better to do.

By the same tocan though, that probably makes fear and disgust a very central thing. I learnt very quickly that if anyone at school spotted I had an e---tion bad stuff would happen, and that s/xual jokes basically lead to problems, one reason i really dislike anything to do with s/x now, even the word itself and find physical contact so difficult.


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#374202 - 11/03/11 09:10 PM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: WriterKeith]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
.......




Edited by Vadrian (11/09/11 09:14 PM)

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#374206 - 11/03/11 09:41 PM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: whome]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Originally Posted By: whome
I used to pray the Same Keith, Lord Why me, why do I have to endure all this pain and suffering.
Now here we are years later, and I finally know why it is that this happened. I am here to set up a group to help other men. I have the character and the personality to be able to help. For me a different life path would have been great, But God had other plans. I remember a verse that says, "and all things happen for good" Its Romans 8:28 I Think.
I would read this and go yeah sure, what the hell good will come of this, and well here I am, terrorising my wife and doing crazy things, but I am here alive and getting better.
I believe that we are all born with a purpose, and all have something to fulfil in this life, so we have to make the best of it, or else whats it all about.
This life cant be all that its about, otherwise it has been a really crappy one for a lot of us.

Heal well brothers
Martin


Martin,

I have gone back and forth with this view point numerous times and rarely do I stand with a certain belief. A part of me feels that if a God (or an "entity") allowed something like this to happen, then he deserves no respect or given any attention. If a parent allows their kid to be abused, are they being a good parent or teaching their kid a lesson? A higher power shouldn't be granted that authority. But on the flip side, he did send his son to die on a cross.

I did share my story a few years ago with a close friend at the time who was going through a really rough time. We rarely speak but I will always remember the letter she wrote me a few days afterwards telling me how she appreciated me talking to her about what had happened, and allowing her to tell me everything that had happened to her. It's times like that I wonder if what happened had a different purpose than some pedophile taking advantage of an 8-year-old.

On to the original question: I wasn't bullied until 8th grade, when the effects started to settled in. I didn't respect myself as I should have, and thought if I didn't respect myself, why should others? Growing up, I was always the skinniest and weakest kid but I was competitive and worked hard, so I could make friends with fellow athletes. It was the druggies/drinkers/frequently suspended kids that would start things with me because of my size. Ten-years-ago I began to lift weights to change things and now sport a much different physique.

People can sense weakness in others and that's why CSA victims are often bullied and ridiculed. They are easy targets because they are beaten down from the more important battle they are dealing with.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#374294 - 11/04/11 07:12 PM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: Incognito]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Originally Posted By: Incognito
[quote=whome]I People can sense weakness in others and that's why CSA victims are often bullied and ridiculed. They are easy targets because they are beaten down from the more important battle they are dealing with.


You just summed up what I've been trying to capture in my thoughts. I would say "vulnerability" instead of "weakness" because I believe we all had to muster tremendous inner strength to survive what we have. Bullies would collapse after a few hours in our shoes.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#374323 - 11/05/11 12:15 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: WriterKeith]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Of course, the bullies do have their own issues; they were bullied severely themselves, likely at home, to develop their patterns. I watched this happen with my own abuser/non-brother, who channeled the abuse from our parents by taking it out on other people. This doesn't excuse anyone, but it isn't some natural phenomena that young children would target someone who was vulnerable and destroy them.


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#374326 - 11/05/11 12:40 AM Re: CSA Compounded with bullying [Re: Vadrian]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Vadrian & Kieth,

you sure are stating it clearly. For whatever reason, the bullies were trying to destroy us.

I've got the scars to prove it, but pppffffffft! I'm still here smile


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