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#372140 - 10/11/11 03:21 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
It sure feels like arguing to me.

Point is that I am Not experienced at this "real Normal" stuff.

I am still learning to communicate in a REAL way, learning to express emotions and Feelings. Hell feelings and emotions are foreign to me. There is all this real stuff that we need to learn. Whilst we are learning this, it is easier to withdraw and not say anything lest we are wrong.

So If your H is withdrawn, he is pondering all these new things that he needs to learn. He needs to learn how to be "real". And while he is learning this he prefers to remain quite and out of trouble.

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#372141 - 10/11/11 03:29 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6805
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
A couple more things: Back to KMCINVA. He says, his child alter experienced the abuse and shielded him from it. As he has accepted and lifted the pain from the child alter, it has felt more and more loved, and has been taking him to safe places when the child is in control, rather than places where he can act out dangerously. Incredible change of behavior.

That is the function of alters. They are able to bear abuse and thus shield the main alter from it. There is an amnesia barrier which is protective. Yes, the child alters need to be shown love and to realize that they are safe.
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

Also, one of my friend's alters has said it hates another of them. That is shockingly strong language to use about one's self.

I think that's how it goes in true DID. The alters are formed to "handle" specific needs or situations. Because of this they often are in strong contrast to the main one. They have abilities which are able to do things the main one can't. According to my reading, some have female alters who are able to handle some things better.

Puffer


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#372143 - 10/11/11 03:34 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Okay, Puffer! Anything you can write to explain how to relate to the alters will help!!

How should I approach alters? You said be loving to them. What else can you suggest?

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Female.

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#372144 - 10/11/11 03:41 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6805
Loc: USA
You can ask them who they are. Ask their name. Ordinary people might be offended, but they won't be.

Memorize their various personality differences, and/or keep a carefully hidden journal notating their names and personal characteristics. Some of them will tell you about themselves. Some will be very secretive.

Some of them may be friendly, some may be mean. Some you may have to make friends with as though they are a new person.

Some will not know of the others. They may be taught who the others are. Some will know the "history". Most will not.

There may be a "sergeant at arms" alter who will defend. He may be pugilistic.

Puffer


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#372145 - 10/11/11 03:53 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Thank you, Puffer. I know the ones I know so well, I don't need a journal.

Is it okay to ask them what they know? If they know of the abuse?

What about others I've never been introduced to? If there are secretive ones, how do I get them to speak up?

As for one, he likes drama (his word), and he likes the game, but he wants to be pushed into it. He is pugilistic. He likes the game. How do I convey to him I want what's best for him? That I care about him? I feel I must play the game to get his attention, then I have leeway.

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Female.

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#372146 - 10/11/11 03:55 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I think I've tried asking them what they like. Don't think I got too far. We probably got sidetracked. What kinds of things are these "shut-ins" likely to like? Seriously, It seems if I have specific activities to ask about it might draw them out.

_________________________
Female.

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#372147 - 10/11/11 03:58 PM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
And as far as teaching them who the others are, will it upset them to find out they are one of many? How do I broach that?

_________________________
Female.

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#372191 - 10/12/11 02:00 AM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Pie]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Wow thanks everyone

You have all given me so much to ponder. In terms of support I will say I have been all in over the years even before HE realized he needed it.

With ref to the alters I think if I had to approach this right now he would think I have lost my mind. So I will do some journalling and see if there are any patterns before I tackle that part of healing.

Just a thought, next time he goes off at how unsupportive I am and starts the verbal abuse and threats again should I pack up the little ones and leave?

Thank you all for your support and care
Pie


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#372207 - 10/12/11 09:13 AM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: Pie]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
In my opinion, you have the right to set whatever boundaries are healthy for YOU and your children. I had to do this with my ex. For instance, when he started using sexual innuendo (after I told him it wasn't okay) when we were trying to keep things platonic, I would either call him on it or just end the conversation. That is a more mild example, but my old T told me "People only drive you as crazy as you let them" and that unless I set boundaries and KEPT them, he wasn't going to keep them himself. You have to SHOW him how you want to be treated...trust me, words won't matter if you let it go on. That doesn't mean you have to be mean about it, just matter-of-fact ("Sorry, but this is unacceptable, these are the consequences" and then follow through.) That being said, I am not suggesting leaving is the answer...only you can really decide that. I would suggest discussing this with a T if possible.


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#372214 - 10/12/11 11:10 AM Re: From hell to heaven and back again [Re: hopeandtry]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I have to say, I do agree the consequences are the most important thing for them. If you leave, then he'll know you're serious. Otherwise, it's just a lot of background noise.

_________________________
Female.

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