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#371765 - 10/05/11 10:16 PM OK, I need help?
torontoguy13 Offline


Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 2
So, I need unbiased opinions here is the situtation.

When I was younger, a male family member use to fondle me and we performed sexual acts together. I was 7-13, and he was a couple years older. Is this abuse?

Now, fast forward to high school where I secluded myself from the world and now I find it hard to make (male) friends. I am wondering if this is all part of the abuse/lack of trust and now, my anti-socalism that plagued me for a few years. I suck at small talk.

I recently found a guy that I like, but I was never attracted to either sex 100%, no one I was interested in making a relationship with (until him). I am wondering if my past experience has anything to do with this as I have never had sex since those acts as a child (though not sure if this is considered sex).

I feel it has affected me in someway, but when is right to tell a partner? Or am I just afraid of sex because of the acts and I haven't done anything since? I am not a very sexual person but it's obviously part of a healthy relationship, especially a gay one. I am not even sure if I am gay, I'm wondering if the only way I think of sex is with a man becasue of what happened. I mean I am not flamboyant by any means, but I'm not sure what to think about sex with a man or woman at this point.


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#371775 - 10/05/11 11:36 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: torontoguy13]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
My fraternal brother,torontoguy13.

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).
We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

First question YES.
Second question, ditto.

We all go into a survival mode. A part of that involves not trusting people. We also go into ourselves because it's safer for us and for me like you. I became very shy and lacked any kind of social skills. Like. what do I say when someone comes to me? How do I act when someone comes toward me? One part tells me to run away. The other tells me to stay. Confusion at best.

My sexuality is gay. But I was married to a woman for 38 years, it was an emotionless one on my part. She did give me 100% of herself, plus 2 fine sons. I was a closet gay boy/man all my life until 3 years ago when all this stuff came into my conscious mind.

As far as what you are sexually. For me it's where my emotions, my feelings, my mental emotions, mind and body come together and that is with a man.
No woman that I ever had sex with (2) in my life have ever given me the emotional & mental connection as I got from men.

But what,ever you are, I'll like you for being you.

Try and find a competent therapist to help you along.

Wishing you well on your journey to recovery. My fraternal brother torontoguy13, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#371802 - 10/06/11 07:29 AM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: torontoguy13]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Welcome toronto.

I am so glad this forum is here for this very reason. I understand your confusion here because I am right there with ya.

The reactions you've had from this experience makes it abuse. And I'll echo what was said earlier, it would probably be helpful to find a therapist you can share this stuff with. I'd even say find one who's worked not only with csa but with GLBT folks as well. It makes a big difference! My current T is a Lesbian. She knows from personal experience what those kinds of questions are like.

Be patient with yourself and with the lad that's caught your eye smile Please get to know him really well before you disclose too much of yourself to him. I would hate to see you hurt. I'm a little old fashioned. A few "coffee" dates are in order. If he tries pushing for more before you are ready, you'll know whether or not you can trust him with the rest.


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#371824 - 10/06/11 12:48 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: torontoguy13]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Welcome Torontoguy!

Quote:
When I was younger, a male family member use to fondle me and we performed sexual acts together. I was 7-13, and he was a couple years older. Is this abuse?
Yes, it definitely was abuse.

Quote:
I recently found a gay that I like, but I was never attracted to either sex 100%, no one I was interested in making a relationship with (until him). I am wondering if my past experience has anything to do with this as I have never had sex since those acts as a child (though not sure if this is considered sex).
From what I have learnt from my five years of therapy is that Sexual abuse is not considered having sex; it was not consensual.

I too struggle with social phobia, lack of trust and have been celibate for several years. You're not alone in this. But be cautious in disclosing your abuse till' you feel it's the right time for you to do so.

As far of whether or not you're guy, it doesn't matter, do what your heart tells you and what you're comfortable with. Do what makes you happy and feels right to you. Take care of you.
I'm very happy to hear you have found someone you're interested in, and I hope that it all works out for you.

Again, welcome! smile


_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#371865 - 10/06/11 06:59 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: Czaesar72]
torontoguy13 Offline


Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 2
There have been more than a few coffee dates and he has not pursued anything further than being friends but we do have a quirky relationship. If I never met him, I wouldn't know about this forum (I found it through my therapist who I seeked as all my thoughts came back to me).

Especially in a gay relationship I feel there is a lot of pressure with sex and I have never been able to find a guy who doesn't want to jump into bed ASAP. With him it's different and I am not sure why. Perhaps he does just want a friendship which is further adding to my confusion.

I will keep you guys posted.




Edited by torontoguy13 (10/06/11 06:59 PM)

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#371866 - 10/06/11 07:07 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: Czaesar72]
Logan81 Offline


Registered: 01/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Lubbock, TX
Welcome aboard, toronto. I'll echo the resounding "yes" that they other men have expressed to your first question. My experience was similar to yours, and it really wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realized that it really was abuse. If you look at some of the typical signs of abuse, you'll most likely find that you relate to quite a few of them (RAINN has a good list at http://rainn.org/get-info/effects-of-sexual-assault/adult-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse).

I think you'll find you're not alone on here when it comes to your fears/doubts/worries, whatever they may be. This is a safe place, and there are some really good people on here to help you on your journey to healing. I'm so sorry this was done to you, but I'm glad you've found your way here. Heal well, brother. smile


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#371900 - 10/07/11 11:56 AM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: Logan81]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Toronto,

Just to add to the information that Logan has provided you with; I wanted to let you know about a book that I'm currently reading in which you'd find interesting information about what is considered abuse.

Beyond Betrayal, by Richard B. Gartner, Ph. D.

ISBN 978-0-471-61910-8

Just a suggestion. smile Take care!



Edited by Czaesar72 (10/07/11 12:10 PM)
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#371935 - 10/07/11 11:22 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: torontoguy13]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
I may have been flying under false colors earlier, torontoguy. I haven't been on a date since 1997 or there abouts. I have avoided two advances recently because it "seemed" all they wanted was sex and I can't go there. Not yet, anyway.

I misread gay guys cues all the time. I'm not even sure I trust my "gaydar". I can certainly understand your confusion. But if you've found someone you enjoy spending time with that in and of itself is a gift.



Edited by cris40ky (10/07/11 11:23 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling

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#372020 - 10/09/11 09:30 PM Re: OK, I need help? [Re: Czaesar72]
Logan81 Offline


Registered: 01/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Lubbock, TX
Originally Posted By: Czaesar72
Toronto,

Just to add to the information that Logan has provided you with; I wanted to let you know about a book that I'm currently reading in which you'd find interesting information about what is considered abuse.

Beyond Betrayal, by Richard B. Gartner, Ph. D.

ISBN 978-0-471-61910-8

Just a suggestion. smile Take care!


I just finished that a few months ago, it's an excellent resource regardless of where you are on your journey. Strongly recommended! smile


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