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#371226 - 09/28/11 11:39 AM New to the forum...
Irisheyes Offline


Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 10
Hi everyone,

I'm new here, well I joined months ago but new to the forum. Just this past April my fiance confided in me about his CSA. It was extremely hard for him to face this and it came out in a therapy session which he just started this year to help him with anxiety and I had no idea that this was hidden for so long. We've been together for 10 years and this explains so many of the issues in our relationship. I think my initial reaction was concern for him, which it still is but I am just starting to recognize how it effects me. His abuser is a family member we still see, which again finding out who it was sent me into a quiet rage. He doesn't feel comfortable disclosing this to his family or confronting this person which I completely understand. I found this site right after he told me and let him know about it, he just recently joined and I think it's having a profound effect on him, knowing he isn't alone and all the feelings of guilt and shame are shared among so many victims. I guess there isn't a point to this other than me wanting to put my story out there...and I'm so grateful this site exists, for both of us to know we aren't alone and I hope I can find some comfort in other family members and friends because it's sometimes hard having to carry this secret with him.


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#371228 - 09/28/11 12:48 PM Re: New to the forum... [Re: Irisheyes]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
Irisheyes,

Welcome to MS. Sad that you need to be here, Glad that you found us.

I am a survivor and my first step, and one of the hardest, in my recovery was having my abuse stop being my secret. Once I let the secret out (with my therapist, on my time schedule) the healing journey had started. You and your fiance will find tremendous support here at MS. I wish you both luck on your journey and hope you find MS to be a good sounding board and resource.

Matt

_________________________
“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.”
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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#371234 - 09/28/11 01:57 PM Re: New to the forum... [Re: 1227ms]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Welcome fellow supporter. This forum is filled w personal insights and references to amazing resources. I wish you well.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371264 - 09/28/11 10:20 PM Re: New to the forum... [Re: GoodHope]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Welcome to MS. You will find a lot of support here. PM me anytime.


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#371328 - 09/29/11 05:29 PM Re: New to the forum... [Re: hopeandtry]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
this post sorta jumped out at me, and so I decided to respond smile

However with everything I write take waht works disregard the rest.

As an incest survivor I can tell you how insanly complicated and twisted this type of abuse is. there is a reason this is taboo amongst almost every culture there ever was, its that insane.

With that said, I can also tell you that the abuse doesnt end after it ends, in a family. Where as the sexual aspect might end, there is so much enduring emotional abuse attached, that some days it can seem hopeless, and that your carrying the weight of the family on your shoulders for the "good" of the family, at our expense. this makes perfect sense as we feel we shouldnt, can't , dont want to rock the boat and our worth, value has been decimated over time where we really feel the others are worth more than us, so why put them through this. Man thats a hard one to get over, but we can and do.

I am here to call bullshit on that to some extent, and your fiance will get to understand that as he moves through recovery. There will become a time where he decides hes no longer willing to hold onto the perps shame at his expense anymore. It was never his burden or secret, he was holding it for that fucking perpetrator.

This is hard, and some days seems hopeless, but there is a light. there are many good men and therapists who can help guide through this process, but only one person can do the hard work, and only in his time. a great therapist has said many times, that we could not have done it a single second before we actualy started this process, for whatever reason. I believe this. While its inevitable to have the would haves, could haves, should haves, it just couldnt have happened until it did.

Disclosure and confrontation are really powerful things. He may come to a point that he will be able to confront the perpetrator and disclose to the rest of the family, and only when the time is right. he may see it as an impossibility , I know I did before I did both, but with a years worth of real hard work, mucho tears ect ect, I did just those things. ken singer has an article here that talks about confrontation and disclosure...http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html give it a read...I wrote that 5 part letter, took 8 months and a lot fo work.

My wife also had to supress her anger and rage at the perpetrator, my brother. She also had to hold back in saying things to my parents for quite some time. I know this was extreamly hard for her, and different for me. See I had years, 28 of em, to learn how to be fake, I was real fucking good at it. I could be in a room with my brother, I had him as my best man (that still disturbs me wink ). For a significant other this is a very fresh wound, and they hurt someone you love deeply. However it is our story to tell, to whom we can when we can. my wife will always ask my permission and have a discussin before disclosing my stuff. In every instance it has been positive, but it was always my call if she could do it or not.

this is not easy to deal with, there will be many challenges, but for me this has really brought my relationship with my wife to a new level.. Sure we fight and argue, she is a irish chick from boston, but we really are on a different level. took us a lot of work, and continuous work, and challenges do and have come up, but were both the better. Love has won.

Give it some time, breathe, go gentle on each other...you guys will figure it out.

Best regards,
H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#371387 - 09/30/11 09:21 AM Re: New to the forum... [Re: Castle]
Irisheyes Offline


Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 10
H-

Well I appreciate you opening up and your story definitely rings true, as an Irish chick from Boston myself I think I can relate to your wife! That article was very helpful, although I think my fiance is a long way from that, right now I think he needs to just recognize he is not to blame and he has NOTHING to be ashamed of, I hope with his therapist and I he can reach there soon, because that is the hardest part I think, knowing how awful this was and seeing him take the blame.

I think I'm very lucky that my fiance opened up to me at all, I could see the pain in his face and still to this day every time we talk about it but I know it helps him every time he does. I always leave it to his comfort level and never push any topics. Just after being together for 10 years it was such a punch in the gut and yet it did bring us closer and explained a lot of the issues we constantly ran into throughout our relationship.

As far as the family member still being around and him not wanting to disclose this I think that was his biggest concern in speaking it out loud, that suddenly everyone would know and I reassured him from day one this is his to tell or not tell, and not to worry that I would go flying off the handle and confronting anyone. That being said I have such a rage for this man, that he sits everyday without any consequences, like he got away with it. His life goes on while my fiance and I are struggling desperately to keep ours together.

I'm sorry that you had those 28 years to learn to be fake, and I completely understand how your wife feels. I think it's great you confronted it, and I hope someday my fiance can as well, but like you said that is his decision on his own journey. I think I sometimes feel so helpless because I don't know what to do, I think for him it's more pain and guilt and shame and fear right now since he just recently admitted this for the first time and I know for me it's complete rage that some scum bag did this to him, and we go and eat meals with him, he has hugged and kissed me hello when I come in and he shoots this shit with everyone and no one knows what a monster he is.It breaks my heart, and I think seeing my fiance hurt to this degree is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. But I know I need to just be there, when he needs me and for whatever he needs.

Anyways, sorry to vent but your post helped, I know we'll figure it out, I love him more than anything.

Thank you

_________________________
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#371391 - 09/30/11 10:36 AM Re: New to the forum... [Re: Irisheyes]
IrishDadTx Offline


Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 53
Loc: Texas
There was a thread a few days ago about survivors disclosing before marriage -- how the partner has a "right" to know, but how hard it is for survivors to come forward, and how wives feel blind-sided. Your fiance has guts and you sound really supportive and that's a blessing. I know a lot of supporters here wished they had gone into marriage eyes wide open. I wish I had told my wife about it before we were married...would have saved us a a ton of heartache and betrayal as I was acting out.
Good for you both.
Kevin


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#371418 - 09/30/11 08:28 PM . [Re: IrishDadTx]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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