This is painful and incredibly embarrassing to admit, but a part of me "loved" my perp.

I'm putting this here, in the GLBT forum because I am gay and he was the first male figure in my life that I felt love for. I've submitted "my story" for review and it will explain things once it's approved.

But he groomed me for a whole year before the abuse started. After that I shut down my heart. I haven't allowed myself to get close to another guy. No sex, nothing.

I've begun working on this with my T but I've never told anyone else. Gay friends don't understand the abuse part, not really. I've even been told, "What's the big deal, your gay?"

I'm ashamed that I loved such a sick man. And angry that I've allowed those events to keep me afraid and isolated. It's no wonder I don't trust myself to make good relationship choices. And it's been safer just not to have any.

I too fell for my perp and that is not uncommon even if you are not gay, emotions are emotions. I have not started to hate him for robbing me of my trust and childhood.

There is a much, much longer thread on this subject. I'll try to find it and post a link here.

Thanks, F.A.

For me, the hate came first. And I've seen this part from a distance and avoided it like the plague.

Actually, the anger here could be a healthy thing, I think. Anger scares me, as my mother was a rage-a-holic at times.

The shame I feel is real but undeserved. Somehow I need to allow myself to experience both the shame and the anger. Not to run away from the fact that I loved him, feel that. And feel the anger at what he took advantage of, betrayed and twisted.

Walling off that, avoiding it, blocks off too much of what I could be. Right now, I can't separate those feelings from what it means to have real friends or even more in the present.

Cris40ky I have had anger toward my perp and I think it is healthy for me I was just a little kid of 6 when it started.
Don't have shame there is enough of it already that we don't need to own

Cris40ky,

Reading your post is like seeing myself in the mirror. everything you have described also applies to me. I have opted to stay away from any kind of relationship for years as well, and my friends don't seem to get that we go through a lot of stuff and the abuse is not something we can just dismiss and forget like it was nothing.

I find myself unable to seek or even be open to having a relationship. But that is something that I'm working on and my goal is for that to change ii I'm to lead a fuller, happier life.

I emphasize with you; you're not alone!

TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING****
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

A life long love affair for me. Sixty odd years to be exact. My love for him was GENUINE, still is. His love for me. is questionable.

I was wondering if I was the "only" one who ever loved his perp. Something that hardly was mentioned in this site until I started to talk about it back on 21/08/10 in a topic called 1 in 7953 members.

I had already tried to come to terms with our love for one another back in May of '09 at my first WoR at Dahlonega, Georgia. I had written a letter to him addressed to hell (he is long dead). The purpose was then to burn or bury the letter in hopes that it would all be over. Didn't happen.

I could not break my emotional & mental connection to him.
You see, I kept him emotionally connected to me, as I am a compulsive masturbater almost on a daily basis right up to today. It was always him and me doing it. If I was in the Gay porno site it was not those actors there it was him and me. I could smell it and feel it.

In all my attempts to let him go, i now realise that i just wasn't mentally nor emotionally prepared to let him go. After all he was the only one who truly loved this young boy. In my mind.

I adopted him. He became the parent(s) that I didn't have.

In all my T sessions, and my four WoR's, my 12 week PTSD T sessions, my answer to all of those who challenged my GENUINE love for him and his for me, my answer to all of them was, you just don't understand. The same went for those in the GBTQ healing circles.

Right here in my posts on Forbidden Pleasures (my feelings about Ralph), 21/03/11. I was trying to come to terms with letting him go. I had actually thought that I had. But again they just didn't understand.
Every one tried to tell me.

I have never considered what he had done to me as sexual abuse period. It was in the name of love of a young boy..TAINTED love.

In all of the recovery guides scant little is mentioned about us possibly being in love with our perps.
But, finally I found something that finally got through this thick headed Irish boy/mans skull. Something in a way that made it very clear. It's from the book Beyond Betrayal, credit Dr. Richard B. Gartner, Ph.D. Ppg #12..
Sexual abuse can be violent when force and coercion are involved. But sometimes it seems loving. Some abusers create an atmosphere that seems safe.If the abuser senses a boy is attracted to him on some level, the abuser may appeal directly to this desire. It will appear that a seduction is taking place
,even a mutual seduction. The boy may fall in love with his seducer, and the seducer may believe he is in love with the boy.
Understanding seductive experiences is complicated. many men believe that as boys they had loving, pleasurable, nontraumatic sexual initiations from adults. I (he) don't dismiss this possibility.

I have in these past few weeks finally let an old lover of all my life go. I will make a post here and tell about how I came to terms with letting him go. Even while keeping my GENUINE love for him.

We are definitely not alone, like I had thought previously. There are others out there who will only discuss this in private messages. It is still pretty much a taboo subject.

I offer my brothers here my compassion, understanding & love in dealing with this subject. As I have walked in your shoes. I understand your/our betrayal of the highest magnitude in the name of love.

Nothing to be embarrassed nor ashamed of. It does not belong to us. (easier said than done), I KNOW. I hope this helps someone out and eases the pain somewhat.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, cris40ky, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Thank you, Peter!

I have so many mixed feelings from that man. From that young boy that I was. And it's so hard to see through the murky water. What was a normal response for myself, then as a young gay guy. Held for the first time by another guy. And guilt over what I may have "participated" in just to have those needs met. Parts of me screaming to get away and him manipulating my deep need for some support from anywhere.

That's why it was so easy to hate him. He was supposed to be a priest and my counselor. And he set me back so far. And made me hate my own natural desire for other guys. Made me hate myself.

In order to open up to others emotionally, friend or otherwise, I've gotta revisit young me at that time. Funny, it's not that hard to do, he's right here with me. Understanding him, and comforting him is another matter.

And thanks, Czaesar.

Kind of a lonely life we lead. I share your hope. We will work on it. It helps so much to break the silence and know we're not alone.

You're welcome Cris!

Interesting enough most of my abuse was perpetrated by three priests. people that I trusted and never thought would betray me the way they did.

I've made some progress here over the past couple of weeks in therapy. EMDR and today something called PEAT ??

I know this topic may not apply to too many folks here. But thank you for listening. I'm learning how precious my voice is.

My perp was a groomer. I'm learning what that means.

What I need to speak and validate are the real needs I had when I met him at 13yrs old. My family was cold. The early CA was locked up tight. There were signs nobody took the time to see. At night, the only way I could sleep was to rock my legs back in forth in my bed. So strongly that my bed needed constant repairs A numbing out tool. Because the infant/toddler in me was screaming out even then to be heard. I had a hard enough time dealing with bullies and home crap. Even after I split off emotionally, still did the night time self-stim stuff. Never saw that before for what it was.

Then I went to the high school boarding school. And there was Fr X. He put his arm around me the first day. Nobody held me before. No parent, grandparent, or other family member. And I was so glad and so terrified to be out of my home. And there was Fr. X encouraging me to open up and trust somebody. And I thrived sooo much that first year. Living with my peers, kids my own age. In that structured environment I learned that I had value as a person. As a friend. As a human being. For the first time ever, I felt people genuinely cared about me.

Because, once a month, then two to three times a month, then weekly, I met with Fr X in his room for "spiritual direction". And he had to work at it. To get past the barriers of a lifetime of isolation. There were a lot of hugs. And they felt good. Really good to that young, traumatized boy. And I began to need that contact.

By the end of that first year, I was hooked. When he progressed to kissing that felt good too. I bought his lies, rationalizing his behavior. It didn't make sense to me, but the need to trust this person was great.

And it's not my fault that I had needs! Not my fault!

Cris,

Sounds like you're making good progress. Good.

I don't have any experience with PEAT. I'll try to look it up later.

Thank you for your progress report.

I have another EMDR tomorrow.

Allen

It was my first experience with PEAT and I didn't know anything about it before hand.

We took a "snapshot" of a memory. Similar to EMDR. But the specific snapshot image was of a moment when I felt both extremes of something positive and something negative happening.

I picked a moment when Fr X was holding me and froze it into one image. The good part that I felt, being held, comforted became one copy of the picture. The bad: that he was grooming, manipulating my needs, controlling and setting me up for what was to come was frozen in another copy of the picture.

I could look at one at a time. See them clearly for the first time. Without both mixed up together. It really helped me see 13yr old Chris more clearly. How innocent and naive he was. And how small he was compared to Fr X.

And I could see Fr X's lies much more clearly.

I'm sure I'll need to remind myself of this truth as the doubts will try to creep back in. But having that simple image of the two sides of one event helps so much.

My brothers,

I had promised to tell about how I came to terms letting go of my lover of 72 years. A person whom this boy genuinely loved for all of his life.

Right now I'm on my way to my Gay/Lesbian MCC community pot luck supper & services.

Then later this evening my GBTQ healing circle.

I promise to explain tomorrow how I could let my old lover fade away.

Wishing my brothers, my compassion, understanding & love. It is a very emotional & mental topic on just how we could love someone who did some wrongful things to us. In the name of love.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Hey Cris,

I think the thread that Allen is refering to...#177346

Re: Guilt over "liking it".

(I am sorry...I am not good with cut,paste,quote or editing type functions).


Human (The Killers)

island

****TIGGER WARNING***MIGHT BE DISTURBING TO SOME***WARNING***
Hi, my brothers.

As promised belatedly, here is how I finally came to acceptable terms in dealing with my genuine love for Ralph.

It has taken me a long time to accomplish this. Many WoR's, many posts & PM's here. Many writings in the GBTQ healing circles. Many T sessions.

It has taken it's emotional & mental toll on me.

It has taken a complete rewiring of my emotions. Heart, mind, body & soul.

How does a boy now a man let go of the only person whom he could ever make an emotional, mental, physical & sexual connection to go? Disappear from his life completely? Forever, into eternity as I like to say?

I would be lying through my eye teeth if I told you that i did 100% completely let him go. it. Or, what I have done was easy. Or even right.

The most difficult part of this was to admit to myself mentally and emotionally in my mind, body & soul that what he had done to me was without question a criminal act. It was done in deceit. It was done by his power and control over a young vulnerable boy. It was a mutual seduction between a man and a boy in the name of genuine love from that boy to him.
It was him seducing the boy into believing that he loved him. The ultimate betrayal of a young boy because it was done in the name of caring and love. I prefer to call it tainted love, still. Right up to this posting.

As you all probably know by now, I had never considered what he had done to me as any kind of abuse. Be it considered mental, emotional, physical & sexual. Never. I had formed an emotional and mental bond with him. And it would last for the rest of my life. I loved him, I told him so. He loved me, he told me so.
I genuinely loved him, no doubts about it. I think that he loved me too. Rightfully or wrongly. I NEVER wished that he was dead. Never. I have no hate nor anger towards him still.

On the other hand, I have always considered what my "mom" had done to her boy was ABUSE in the strongest meaning of the word. This boy had from the age of 8 years old had always told her and wished that she was DEAD. I hated her. I never was able to form an emotional or mental connection with her. I had put her out of my life on my 17th birthday and left on that date for the Air Force.

In consultation with my pastor in my MCC community asking for his and God's help in trying to let go of a lover of 72 years. Peter,this time you must be both emotionally & mentally prepared to let him go. Then, replacing his love Peter, you will start believing in and loving yourself, you will come to see that you can start loving your neighbors and yes, Pete, even loving God, too.

Here is how you can accomplish it. This is how emotionally & mentally you will do it. Remember, you must be emotionally & mentally prepared in your mind, body and soul. No hesitations.

Remember you telling me about your male boyhood friends? About how you had emotional, mental & intimate feelings for them?
And how you had made an emotional, mental, intimate & sexual connection towards that boy in the orphanage/Home?

You tell me that you remember those emotions & feelings quite often. You loved them, you still fondly remember them at times.
There is nothing wrong with that. They are still part of your life. But they are not running your life. They have been replaced by others as you grow and mature. A new person to love will come along and you will put those others further back in your mind & heart. They still can be a fond memory of earlier loves in your life.

So now with Ralph, you can come to the rightful conclusion in your mind, heart, body & soul.
You will have to finally, emotionally & mentally accept that it was indeed criminal. It was emotional, mental,physical & sexual ABUSE. Betrayal of you in the highest order.
His love for you is questionable. But Peter, there is nothing wrong with you to still believe in your heart & soul that he did love you...Tainted love.

More important, to you Peter. You still can have genuine emotional & mental love for him, in your heart & soul. Nothing wrong with that as long as you accept it emotionally & mentally in the terms you listed above. He will be placed further back in your memory. Like those others.
You will replace him with yourself. You, young Pete is going to replace him.
Now is the time in your life to start loving & believing in yourself. You will finally realise what that boy has done for you. You will come to love & nurture him. you will heal his deep wounds. You will be free Peter, as he is you.
In the name of God, isn't that wonderful!

Here I sit, tears streaking down my cheeks, alone with young Pete, trying to find someone once again to emotionally & mentally in mind body and soul love him.
But more important for Pete to share those same desires with another man. Not in deceit. Not in seduction. Not in betrayal.
But with his genuine love, from the depths of his soul.

Easy? No way.. Have I completely let him go? No way. Do I still love him, yes with reservations.

What i tried to do is let an old lover of mine fade into the background of my heart & soul, for ever into eternity.

To be replaced by a young boy, named Peter, who just happens to be me.

I am a emotional mess right now. Probably doesn't make any sense.
Probably not any help to any of my brothers here. Not my intention.

I offer my brothers here my compassion, understanding & love in their trying to come to terms with letting go.

I thank you all from the depths of my heart & soul for your help & support.

Especially from my brother Tommy.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Here is that one:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=177346#Post177346

I wonder if there's another thread still unfound?

I had the advantage of having a catastrophically horrible experience so that I didn't love it at all.

Puffer

Way to go, Pete!! I like what I am hearing very much indeed. He abused you as did my abuser(s) abuse me while they claimed to be my friends and mentors in life to a young guy just finding his way in the world.

It's all bullshit lies to get what they wanted from us. Rest easy. I know you well from our WOR in Ohio last year nad I am so glad to hear these words of independnece, truth and righteousness from you,Pete.

Rock on 'bro to your own drum,

Michael

#29129...Re: "Liking it" (BIG triggers)

~or~ #195408...Re: Types of...

My brother, Jeff.

Here's how I found it. Most likely not the easiest way to do it. But I'm a computer dummy.

Type liking it where it says search bottom left. Then it will show 500 things on liking it.
Go to ppg #10 Different types of victims ppg 1=195408. 15/12/07

Then go to ppg #18 #29129. 18/08/05 by Roadrunner.

Hope this helps.

heal well, my brother, Jeff, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Liking It (Big Triggers):
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=29129#Post29129

Different Types Of Victims:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=195408#Post195408

Guilt Over Liking It:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=177346#Post177346

Allen (Puffer)

Thank you Allen!

I think "love" is too strong a word, but feelings for him other than hate do show up on occasion. The problem is that it's usually in the form of a wet dream. It's beyond infuriating, knowing that he can still assert that kind of power over me.

I definitely loved my perp. In fact, I originally pursued him. My father had died when I was 7, and at 11 I got the idea that the band teacher would be the perfect replacement. I thought I could get him to marry my mother.

The grooming period was heaven. He let me drive his car on back roads, even though I am an epileptic. He taught me how to do music tran>

lukehorace,
Thank you for having the courage to share this. These feelings I've quoted above sooo match my own in dealing with my perp. I am also incredibly touched to hear that you have gone on to establish such truly loving relationships!

This is possibly one of few subjects I have never been able to bring up with any other human being. I have been very deeply touched by this thread,and I hope I have enough strength to open up myself.