You're welcome Cris!

Interesting enough most of my abuse was perpetrated by three priests. people that I trusted and never thought would betray me the way they did.

I've made some progress here over the past couple of weeks in therapy. EMDR and today something called PEAT ??

I know this topic may not apply to too many folks here. But thank you for listening. I'm learning how precious my voice is.

My perp was a groomer. I'm learning what that means.

What I need to speak and validate are the real needs I had when I met him at 13yrs old. My family was cold. The early CA was locked up tight. There were signs nobody took the time to see. At night, the only way I could sleep was to rock my legs back in forth in my bed. So strongly that my bed needed constant repairs A numbing out tool. Because the infant/toddler in me was screaming out even then to be heard. I had a hard enough time dealing with bullies and home crap. Even after I split off emotionally, still did the night time self-stim stuff. Never saw that before for what it was.

Then I went to the high school boarding school. And there was Fr X. He put his arm around me the first day. Nobody held me before. No parent, grandparent, or other family member. And I was so glad and so terrified to be out of my home. And there was Fr. X encouraging me to open up and trust somebody. And I thrived sooo much that first year. Living with my peers, kids my own age. In that structured environment I learned that I had value as a person. As a friend. As a human being. For the first time ever, I felt people genuinely cared about me.

Because, once a month, then two to three times a month, then weekly, I met with Fr X in his room for "spiritual direction". And he had to work at it. To get past the barriers of a lifetime of isolation. There were a lot of hugs. And they felt good. Really good to that young, traumatized boy. And I began to need that contact.

By the end of that first year, I was hooked. When he progressed to kissing that felt good too. I bought his lies, rationalizing his behavior. It didn't make sense to me, but the need to trust this person was great.

And it's not my fault that I had needs! Not my fault!

Cris,

Sounds like you're making good progress. Good.

I don't have any experience with PEAT. I'll try to look it up later.

Thank you for your progress report.

I have another EMDR tomorrow.

Allen

It was my first experience with PEAT and I didn't know anything about it before hand.

We took a "snapshot" of a memory. Similar to EMDR. But the specific snapshot image was of a moment when I felt both extremes of something positive and something negative happening.

I picked a moment when Fr X was holding me and froze it into one image. The good part that I felt, being held, comforted became one copy of the picture. The bad: that he was grooming, manipulating my needs, controlling and setting me up for what was to come was frozen in another copy of the picture.

I could look at one at a time. See them clearly for the first time. Without both mixed up together. It really helped me see 13yr old Chris more clearly. How innocent and naive he was. And how small he was compared to Fr X.

And I could see Fr X's lies much more clearly.

I'm sure I'll need to remind myself of this truth as the doubts will try to creep back in. But having that simple image of the two sides of one event helps so much.

My brothers,

I had promised to tell about how I came to terms letting go of my lover of 72 years. A person whom this boy genuinely loved for all of his life.

Right now I'm on my way to my Gay/Lesbian MCC community pot luck supper & services.

Then later this evening my GBTQ healing circle.

I promise to explain tomorrow how I could let my old lover fade away.

Wishing my brothers, my compassion, understanding & love. It is a very emotional & mental topic on just how we could love someone who did some wrongful things to us. In the name of love.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Hey Cris,

I think the thread that Allen is refering to...#177346

Re: Guilt over "liking it".

(I am sorry...I am not good with cut,paste,quote or editing type functions).


Human (The Killers)

island

****TIGGER WARNING***MIGHT BE DISTURBING TO SOME***WARNING***
Hi, my brothers.

As promised belatedly, here is how I finally came to acceptable terms in dealing with my genuine love for Ralph.

It has taken me a long time to accomplish this. Many WoR's, many posts & PM's here. Many writings in the GBTQ healing circles. Many T sessions.

It has taken it's emotional & mental toll on me.

It has taken a complete rewiring of my emotions. Heart, mind, body & soul.

How does a boy now a man let go of the only person whom he could ever make an emotional, mental, physical & sexual connection to go? Disappear from his life completely? Forever, into eternity as I like to say?

I would be lying through my eye teeth if I told you that i did 100% completely let him go. it. Or, what I have done was easy. Or even right.

The most difficult part of this was to admit to myself mentally and emotionally in my mind, body & soul that what he had done to me was without question a criminal act. It was done in deceit. It was done by his power and control over a young vulnerable boy. It was a mutual seduction between a man and a boy in the name of genuine love from that boy to him.
It was him seducing the boy into believing that he loved him. The ultimate betrayal of a young boy because it was done in the name of caring and love. I prefer to call it tainted love, still. Right up to this posting.

As you all probably know by now, I had never considered what he had done to me as any kind of abuse. Be it considered mental, emotional, physical & sexual. Never. I had formed an emotional and mental bond with him. And it would last for the rest of my life. I loved him, I told him so. He loved me, he told me so.
I genuinely loved him, no doubts about it. I think that he loved me too. Rightfully or wrongly. I NEVER wished that he was dead. Never. I have no hate nor anger towards him still.

On the other hand, I have always considered what my "mom" had done to her boy was ABUSE in the strongest meaning of the word. This boy had from the age of 8 years old had always told her and wished that she was DEAD. I hated her. I never was able to form an emotional or mental connection with her. I had put her out of my life on my 17th birthday and left on that date for the Air Force.

In consultation with my pastor in my MCC community asking for his and God's help in trying to let go of a lover of 72 years. Peter,this time you must be both emotionally & mentally prepared to let him go. Then, replacing his love Peter, you will start believing in and loving yourself, you will come to see that you can start loving your neighbors and yes, Pete, even loving God, too.

Here is how you can accomplish it. This is how emotionally & mentally you will do it. Remember, you must be emotionally & mentally prepared in your mind, body and soul. No hesitations.

Remember you telling me about your male boyhood friends? About how you had emotional, mental & intimate feelings for them?
And how you had made an emotional, mental, intimate & sexual connection towards that boy in the orphanage/Home?

You tell me that you remember those emotions & feelings quite often. You loved them, you still fondly remember them at times.
There is nothing wrong with that. They are still part of your life. But they are not running your life. They have been replaced by others as you grow and mature. A new person to love will come along and you will put those others further back in your mind & heart. They still can be a fond memory of earlier loves in your life.

So now with Ralph, you can come to the rightful conclusion in your mind, heart, body & soul.
You will have to finally, emotionally & mentally accept that it was indeed criminal. It was emotional, mental,physical & sexual ABUSE. Betrayal of you in the highest order.
His love for you is questionable. But Peter, there is nothing wrong with you to still believe in your heart & soul that he did love you...Tainted love.

More important, to you Peter. You still can have genuine emotional & mental love for him, in your heart & soul. Nothing wrong with that as long as you accept it emotionally & mentally in the terms you listed above. He will be placed further back in your memory. Like those others.
You will replace him with yourself. You, young Pete is going to replace him.
Now is the time in your life to start loving & believing in yourself. You will finally realise what that boy has done for you. You will come to love & nurture him. you will heal his deep wounds. You will be free Peter, as he is you.
In the name of God, isn't that wonderful!

Here I sit, tears streaking down my cheeks, alone with young Pete, trying to find someone once again to emotionally & mentally in mind body and soul love him.
But more important for Pete to share those same desires with another man. Not in deceit. Not in seduction. Not in betrayal.
But with his genuine love, from the depths of his soul.

Easy? No way.. Have I completely let him go? No way. Do I still love him, yes with reservations.

What i tried to do is let an old lover of mine fade into the background of my heart & soul, for ever into eternity.

To be replaced by a young boy, named Peter, who just happens to be me.

I am a emotional mess right now. Probably doesn't make any sense.
Probably not any help to any of my brothers here. Not my intention.

I offer my brothers here my compassion, understanding & love in their trying to come to terms with letting go.

I thank you all from the depths of my heart & soul for your help & support.

Especially from my brother Tommy.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Here is that one:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=177346#Post177346

I wonder if there's another thread still unfound?

I had the advantage of having a catastrophically horrible experience so that I didn't love it at all.

Puffer