This is painful and incredibly embarrassing to admit, but a part of me "loved" my perp.

I'm putting this here, in the GLBT forum because I am gay and he was the first male figure in my life that I felt love for. I've submitted "my story" for review and it will explain things once it's approved.

But he groomed me for a whole year before the abuse started. After that I shut down my heart. I haven't allowed myself to get close to another guy. No sex, nothing.

I've begun working on this with my T but I've never told anyone else. Gay friends don't understand the abuse part, not really. I've even been told, "What's the big deal, your gay?"

I'm ashamed that I loved such a sick man. And angry that I've allowed those events to keep me afraid and isolated. It's no wonder I don't trust myself to make good relationship choices. And it's been safer just not to have any.

I too fell for my perp and that is not uncommon even if you are not gay, emotions are emotions. I have not started to hate him for robbing me of my trust and childhood.

There is a much, much longer thread on this subject. I'll try to find it and post a link here.

Thanks, F.A.

For me, the hate came first. And I've seen this part from a distance and avoided it like the plague.

Actually, the anger here could be a healthy thing, I think. Anger scares me, as my mother was a rage-a-holic at times.

The shame I feel is real but undeserved. Somehow I need to allow myself to experience both the shame and the anger. Not to run away from the fact that I loved him, feel that. And feel the anger at what he took advantage of, betrayed and twisted.

Walling off that, avoiding it, blocks off too much of what I could be. Right now, I can't separate those feelings from what it means to have real friends or even more in the present.

Cris40ky I have had anger toward my perp and I think it is healthy for me I was just a little kid of 6 when it started.
Don't have shame there is enough of it already that we don't need to own

Cris40ky,

Reading your post is like seeing myself in the mirror. everything you have described also applies to me. I have opted to stay away from any kind of relationship for years as well, and my friends don't seem to get that we go through a lot of stuff and the abuse is not something we can just dismiss and forget like it was nothing.

I find myself unable to seek or even be open to having a relationship. But that is something that I'm working on and my goal is for that to change ii I'm to lead a fuller, happier life.

I emphasize with you; you're not alone!

TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING****
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

A life long love affair for me. Sixty odd years to be exact. My love for him was GENUINE, still is. His love for me. is questionable.

I was wondering if I was the "only" one who ever loved his perp. Something that hardly was mentioned in this site until I started to talk about it back on 21/08/10 in a topic called 1 in 7953 members.

I had already tried to come to terms with our love for one another back in May of '09 at my first WoR at Dahlonega, Georgia. I had written a letter to him addressed to hell (he is long dead). The purpose was then to burn or bury the letter in hopes that it would all be over. Didn't happen.

I could not break my emotional & mental connection to him.
You see, I kept him emotionally connected to me, as I am a compulsive masturbater almost on a daily basis right up to today. It was always him and me doing it. If I was in the Gay porno site it was not those actors there it was him and me. I could smell it and feel it.

In all my attempts to let him go, i now realise that i just wasn't mentally nor emotionally prepared to let him go. After all he was the only one who truly loved this young boy. In my mind.

I adopted him. He became the parent(s) that I didn't have.

In all my T sessions, and my four WoR's, my 12 week PTSD T sessions, my answer to all of those who challenged my GENUINE love for him and his for me, my answer to all of them was, you just don't understand. The same went for those in the GBTQ healing circles.

Right here in my posts on Forbidden Pleasures (my feelings about Ralph), 21/03/11. I was trying to come to terms with letting him go. I had actually thought that I had. But again they just didn't understand.
Every one tried to tell me.

I have never considered what he had done to me as sexual abuse period. It was in the name of love of a young boy..TAINTED love.

In all of the recovery guides scant little is mentioned about us possibly being in love with our perps.
But, finally I found something that finally got through this thick headed Irish boy/mans skull. Something in a way that made it very clear. It's from the book Beyond Betrayal, credit Dr. Richard B. Gartner, Ph.D. Ppg #12..
Sexual abuse can be violent when force and coercion are involved. But sometimes it seems loving. Some abusers create an atmosphere that seems safe.If the abuser senses a boy is attracted to him on some level, the abuser may appeal directly to this desire. It will appear that a seduction is taking place
,even a mutual seduction. The boy may fall in love with his seducer, and the seducer may believe he is in love with the boy.
Understanding seductive experiences is complicated. many men believe that as boys they had loving, pleasurable, nontraumatic sexual initiations from adults. I (he) don't dismiss this possibility.

I have in these past few weeks finally let an old lover of all my life go. I will make a post here and tell about how I came to terms with letting him go. Even while keeping my GENUINE love for him.

We are definitely not alone, like I had thought previously. There are others out there who will only discuss this in private messages. It is still pretty much a taboo subject.

I offer my brothers here my compassion, understanding & love in dealing with this subject. As I have walked in your shoes. I understand your/our betrayal of the highest magnitude in the name of love.

Nothing to be embarrassed nor ashamed of. It does not belong to us. (easier said than done), I KNOW. I hope this helps someone out and eases the pain somewhat.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, cris40ky, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Thank you, Peter!

I have so many mixed feelings from that man. From that young boy that I was. And it's so hard to see through the murky water. What was a normal response for myself, then as a young gay guy. Held for the first time by another guy. And guilt over what I may have "participated" in just to have those needs met. Parts of me screaming to get away and him manipulating my deep need for some support from anywhere.

That's why it was so easy to hate him. He was supposed to be a priest and my counselor. And he set me back so far. And made me hate my own natural desire for other guys. Made me hate myself.

In order to open up to others emotionally, friend or otherwise, I've gotta revisit young me at that time. Funny, it's not that hard to do, he's right here with me. Understanding him, and comforting him is another matter.

And thanks, Czaesar.

Kind of a lonely life we lead. I share your hope. We will work on it. It helps so much to break the silence and know we're not alone.