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#371318 - 09/29/11 02:45 PM Hello and goodbye
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
He guys, My name is Joe and I've posted on here a dozen times under "freshwound". I came here to say goodbye to everyone because I dont belong here. If you look back at my posts all I ever talked about was sexual orientation. The fact is I have sexual orientation OCD. For my whole life I obsessed "what if im gay"??? this always lead to proving rituals that would either calm me or make my anxiety worse. The fact is I have always been and will always be straight. BUT the OCD says "your in denial, stop lying..why did you just look at that guy???" its all BS it always has been. I can say for the first time in a while Im happier, im living life, Im hanging out with a hot girl I met a few months back and Im confronting my anxiety. Does this all mean I was never sexuall abused? its possible. I have used "what if" thinking my whole life..."what if I die, what if I get possesed by the devil, what if im gay, what if my fathert molested me"? I do have memories and signs that it could have happened, but I decided the past is the past, he will never admit it if it did happen and its time for me to live life. Im a strong person with a strong personality. This site was good and bad for me. Reading all the posts made me think "what if thats me, what if THATS ME" a never ending cycle of anxiety. The whole time I was having sex with girls, masturbating to straight porn and dreaming about girls, while I was trying to "come to peace with being bisexual or gay" lol am I attracted to men? maybe the same way gay guys are attracted to women. I def DONT have any sexual desire whatsoever to be with a man, there is no burning desire, no uncontrollable urge at all. BUT I do have all that with women. There is no denial, no hidden gay self, no child inside dying to "come out", Its just not me! I have no homophobia either, I think its OK to be gay completely. LOL when I was thinking I was gay I got sad..not because of social shaming or the church, know why? cause I was sad I had to give up girls LOL OCD is very serious though and at times I would rather be dead then deal with the constant torture and anxiety. I used drugs, I masturbated and I did all the compulsive behavior a survivor had but I did it to ward off anxiety and to feel "normal". When I came to this conclusion and accepted it I started having unbelievable sex again...I want to wish everyone here luck and If I ever came off as a know it all asshole you know why..I was tortured day and night with OCD thoughts. Only one place for me now and that's forward!! Thanks guys!! - Joe

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#371347 - 09/30/11 12:31 AM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: thefutureorbust]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Good for you!! Happy trails!!!

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#371372 - 09/30/11 04:13 AM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: Tedure]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Congrats mate.
Imho you were abused though.
Take care guy.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#371382 - 09/30/11 06:00 AM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: kinghenri]
Prairie Dog Offline


Registered: 05/20/11
Posts: 19
Deleted myself


Edited by Prairie Dog (06/11/12 01:04 AM)

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#371398 - 09/30/11 01:23 PM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: Prairie Dog]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Joe,

Thank you for being so open with us in expressing your feelings! I'm very happy for you for doing what makes you happy but if you ever need to come back, you know we all be here for you and if you don't ever need to all the better. Be well, be happy. Take care! smile

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#373383 - 10/26/11 01:09 AM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: Czaesar72]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Take care, brother! I've been away for a few weeks and came back to see this. I wish you well.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#373430 - 10/26/11 04:05 PM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: Incognito]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
thefutureorbust,

I can relate. twenty years ago I never thought I had sexual orientation OCD but now I realize what it was. I am glad you discovered what your experiencing.

I wish you well.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#373509 - 10/27/11 11:20 AM Re: Hello and goodbye [Re: Avery46]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2450
Loc: TEXAS
My fraternal brother, thefutureorbust.

My Irish wish for you. On your farewell,

May, you always have..A sunbeam to warm you.
Good luck to charm you.
And a sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.
Laughter to cheer you.
Faithful friends near you.
And whenever you pray,
Heaven to hear you.

Farewell, my brother, thefutureofbust, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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