Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyclebreaker (41), monkeybusinessinky (28), Tom Byrnes (55), wind west (30)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63221 Topics
442080 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#371335 - 09/29/11 06:33 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
one more thing... I need books. I need support for wives in this situation. It helps when I read about how other people are feeling. Any suggestions??

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#371337 - 09/29/11 06:58 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
One book I really found helpful is "Beyond Betryal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse" by Richard B. Gartner.

Also, for the men, Mike Lew's "Victims No lOnger." This is really better for the men than their mates.

I have a friend who's a Superb Liar. He has a split personality. I recommend "Fractured Minds" by Robert Oxnam, though your husband doesn't sound as though he has this at all.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#371338 - 09/29/11 07:01 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I'll add, "Beyond Betrayal" was excellent because certain sections described more specifically the fallout from the abuse, and some specific ways of me dealing with my friend. I found it very helpful. Nuggets here and there.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#371342 - 09/29/11 10:25 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Disappointed]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I heard you mention prayer so I'll hop in with a non CSA book. Sheila Walsh's The Shelter of God's Promises. I'm taking the bible study but it is also just a plain old book. It takes everything in me not to cry during the study, but it's basically a primer (or reminder) of God's promises when we are going through storms (or in our case, Hurricanes!). My heart breaks for your new knowledge. I dont know, nor do I want to know the kinds of details you are now left to grapple with. Please don't do it alone. Get your own therapist. Make sure s/he knows about the intricacies of CSA (I had one who didn't and she was a well meaning disaster).

Please reach out because you are carrying too much alone. It's too much. It's too much!!!!

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#371359 - 09/30/11 01:50 AM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Annie

So whats wrong with just exploding. Let it out get angry, you have been hurt. Lash out and get it out of your system. The memory remains but it will feel better.
As I said before try CODA and Al-Anon. they are great immediate support.

Hang in there, you are a lovely person with beautiful little girl to care for.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#371396 - 09/30/11 11:57 AM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
It is very common for csa survivors to stay with their perps or go back to them. I know this was true for me and when dealing with my csa today its one of the hardest parts about the abuse to accept since the fact that I did makes it feel like I wanted it and therefore it was my fault. This in itself is oxymoronic since why would I blame myself for something I wanted but I digress.

Looking back on it I stayed with him even though I hated what was happening for a few reasons. One, simply for a lack of anywhere else to go. My parentís were completely out of the picture and I needed him to take care of me literally to survive. Two, after all the grooming that took place leading up to the abuse it was like he owned me and therefore I couldnít leave him. It was as if I was a hostage to his mental manipulation. Three, after the first incident of abuse with him I was in such shock that I was in no state to take any action. Therefore it continued. Finally, and most fundamentally, I was a child and he was an adult so I didnít have the power to enact any decisions even if I could come to them.

On that note you said that your husbandís csa involved child-on-child abuse. 9 years old is a long way from 12 or 13. Despite the differences in physical size there are also huge differences in intellectual and sexual development and the differences in power that come with it. Anyways like many survivors I struggle with why I didnít just leave. However, writing this all down helps with it so thank you for the opportunity to do so.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And weíll change the world.


Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.