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#371301 - 09/29/11 10:05 AM Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver?
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
My husband of 22 years just revealed his abuse. He told me AFTER he confessed to cheating on me. (Porn, Masturbation, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes and MORE). After he confessed to some of his activities over the last 22 years, I don't know where this came from but I asked him if he had been sexually abused as a child. He answered YES and my world tilted AGAIN. I'm struggling with feeling betrayed by all he has done over the years and compassion for the 9 year old boy who suffered sexual abuse. He was abused by a boy a little older. He said it began when they were looking at a porn magazine. A sexual experiment that went really really bad. He is struggling with taking responsibility and shame because he said HE WENT BACK FOR MORE. I'm not sure what that means. He's giving excuses because he was 9 and the other boy was 12 or 13. That he went to this boys house so he was a participant. He took pleasure so he is partly to blame. So many factors. I called it abuse but he does not. He does say that he was raped 2 or 3 times. But keeps going back to the fact that HE WENT BACK. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Sober since he was 19 (now 44) Started using at 11. Our lives are a mess and I don't know what to do. Do I blame him for being a sex addict and a liar? He's very good at lying and keeping secrets. OR do I look at him like a victim of abuse that later used sex in a very unhealthy way. PORN Adultery etc. Is he manipulating me? Is this just an excuse? I wish there were specific guild lines so I can show him HE was the victim NOT a participant. Or was he? I'm so confused. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I'm caught in a tough spot.
Should I be the angry wife or the compassionate helpmate?
Bottom line, I love him. I know he has a good heart. He is clearly in trouble. any advice?

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#371302 - 09/29/11 10:16 AM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
So sorry you are here but welcome. Unfortunately the lies, the porn, the cheating, secrecy and the addictions are all too common. Ditto for my husband. What is also common is self blame. My husband was ages 5 to 13. He is 41 now and still blames himself because he didn't stop it.

You asked about the combination of anger at betrayal and compassion? Both. And for me that was a weird space to occupy at first, but it feels better now.

If you have a support team, now is the time to start leaning on them. A good therapist familiar w CSA (child sex abuse) can do wonders for your sanity. For me, reading everything I can about male CSA has been very helpful. It has given me greater compassion for my husband and all the men here who are trying heal.

Is your husband willing to seek recovery?

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371304 - 09/29/11 10:31 AM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: GoodHope]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
yes he's seeing a therapist.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#371305 - 09/29/11 10:49 AM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
That is great! It means he is trying and for me, that was essential. I know how hurt and bewildered and overwhelmed I felt/feel (depending on the day). You can come here, vent, cry, and question. The survivors who respond on the F & F part of the forum can give insight that depending on where our spouses are in their own recovery, they might not be able to give. The supporters on this forum know how you feel and can lend an ear.

I am so sorry that we are here, but so grateful that a place exists so that for those of us who love our husband/partner can try to find a way to help him heal.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371309 - 09/29/11 12:45 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: GoodHope]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yeah this is all too common. Glad you found this site. We are here for you!


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#371312 - 09/29/11 01:37 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
First of all welcome and I am sorry you are here.

Wow he came to you! He deserves something for that because he trusts you, the little boy inside him trusts you too, that's good. I had to catch my husband and he was doing everything you describe (less the drugs). My husband's story is similar in that he participated, went back and it went very wrong. They were too little to decide and make such decisions regarding sex, it's not their fault.

I have three children and when this all began I had no idea that he was abused. I look back now and our therapist must have seen the @#$%^! storm that she knew was coming our way. His symptoms were classic. I went to therapy not knowing if I was going to stay with my husband. My thought was I wanted us to be healthy so if we did split up it would be the best possible situation for our children.

I am less hurt about the infidelity because of the abuse but the lying and manipulation is brutal. For the most part I feel he has been honest but he is such a good liar I don't trust myself to catch him. For too many years he saw my kindness and trust as a weakness and that scares me.

The positive is he is in therapy and is trying which sounds like your husband (that's huge) My husband is a better father, not bad before just better.

Good luck and Eldee has the low down on all the good books to read. She has read everyone!

Gretta


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#371315 - 09/29/11 02:05 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Gretta]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
The lying part is so hard. I had no idea about ANY of his activity. He Nuked my life in 3 parts. Each time saying "that's all, the whole truth" there was always more.
He's so good at lying its scary.
I don't understand the participation part though. If he knew... that it was going to happen. Why go BACK?? I don't get it. I would never ask him but I wondered...

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#371316 - 09/29/11 02:28 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Why did he go back? My husbands answer is actually one of the few things I understood right off the bat. It felt good and he liked the attention from the teenaged close relative perp. He was manipulated so he didn't feel threatened or scared in the traditional sense. Our kids are around the age he was when he was molested and that makes it crystal clear to me just how vulnerable he was. Once he was successfully groomed for it, it was what he knew. The most frustrating thing fore is how difficult it is for him to see that what took place at age 5 is the groundwork for his "willing participation" at 13. He can acknowledge that what happened at 5 but can't connect it to age, 6,7,8,9,10,11,12, and 13. It felt good. He orgasmwd, looked forward to it and that is where his shame comes from.



Edited by eldee (09/29/11 02:30 PM)
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371317 - 09/29/11 02:28 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Anniemy4sons

I'm sorry that you are on this site, but glad that you are.

You are going through a lot right now, and I am sure that you are in shock.

All that your husband went through, is typical survivor behavior. Unfortunately it is all typical, the porn the prostitutes, etc etc etc.

Your husband was a child when it happened, this is not normal 9 year old behavior, He was raped, He was abused and forced. He is a victim and he needs to understand this. Once he starts understanding that he is a victim, then he can start his healing.

Remember, for yourself that is, that the H will not be keen to get into therapy immediately. It could take a long time before he finally accepts that he is a csa survivor. Only once he accepts that will he begin his healing journey.

The important part now is you and the children.
You need to get the tools that you are going to need to help you through the next few months.

Look at things like CODA, and Al-Anon. The wonderful ladies in these groups will support you and give you the tools you will need. You are going to need it.

You are welcome of course to PM me or any other person that you feel a connection to on the site.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371334 - 09/29/11 06:24 PM Re: Help! I need advice wife of surviver or surviver? [Re: whome]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Thank you everyone for your support. I think the hardest thing for me is the secret. I feel like HE unloaded his secret on me. The shame and embarrassment on me. I love him with all my heart and have shown him in every way I could over the last 22 years. Not the shame of the abuse because that power he needs to release. The shame of the sex addiction (if that is what it really is) our therapist says yes. I could never tell anyone what he has done. He NUKED my life. I decided to pick at the scab of the infidelities and counted at least 160+ times he was unfaithful (every way imaginable) but the worst is unspeakable. He admitted to a sexual encounter with my sister. My sister was an addict for years (not that this excuses her responsibility ). She died last year. I went through a horrible year and still coming to grips with her death. The grief was unbearable. He says its "foggy" but is "sure" he did not have intercourse with her. He gave me the typical "I didn't understand him" "She did" blah blah blah. Masturbating to a picture of my life long girlfriend. Flirting with her and becoming aroused. All kinds of horrible things. I couldn't stop asking questions. Even though every answer cut me like a knife. I wanted to know but couldn't believe what he was telling me. I think he just unloaded everything because I didn't respond. I sat there like I was frozen. We separated a few weeks before he told me all of this. I had no idea there was a reason for his detachment over the years. His secrecy about other things. This thing is HUGE! More than any one person should have to deal with alone. My faith has kept me alive. Because more than once over the last few weeks I considered suicide. The pain is so bad I could die. How could he?? Who is he?? I don't know this man at all! I met him for the first time at 16. We're 44 now. My entire life has always been him. We have 4 sons(all 16-24) and 1 daughter (4) she is the joy of his life. I think she is the reason for his "change" . Something to live for. He says it is for me. That he is in awe of my love for him. Our therapist tells him that he has never seen such devotion and unconditional love before. But now I'm beginning to think I must be twisted. How can I still love a man that is capable of doing the things he has done?? How could he have fooled me for so long??? and in so many ways.?? My very foundation has exploded. I have tried to contain my anger and show as much love and compassion. After he finished. I held him and told him I loved that little 9 year old boy who should have been protected. That he deserved someone to protect him. I cried with him. I promised not committed to sticking with him through his therapy. But I can't let him come back. Not yet, I don't know if I ever can. The hurt is beyond anything I have felt before. The betrayal is UNSPEAKABLE. My sister, My best friend. My husband. Its insane. Its unreal. This is my new reality and I'm doubting my every judgement. Every time I think I'm going to blow or go over the edge I stop and pray. I pray to Mary for peace. I ask God to light my path. I ask Jesus to hold my hand. But I am being tested..



Edited by Anniemy4sons (09/29/11 06:25 PM)
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
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