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#371094 - 09/26/11 12:43 PM The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I'm venting.....proceed with caution.

We go around and around in circles on some issues and...like today...it just feels like the fallout is going to crush me.

Here is an example of a stupid problem that just 'grows legs'.

When we looked into buying a house.....I wanted a condo, he wanted 'property'. Ok, so we go over the issues with both.

I don't want to spend all weekend doing yard work, I don't want to have to worry about exterior repairs, I want to be in a more urban setting so I can more easily work.

He felt very strongly about this particular house. He had to have it. It was very important to him and he'd take care of the yard stuff, exterior stuff, etc. I could work as a consultant and he would make up the lost income.

So since he felt so strongly and was Ok with the extra responsibilities - he won out.

So, fast forward 9 years and he is pissed at me this morning because I didn't help with the yard work over the weekend. Which has pretty much been a regular thorn for about..ooooh..9 years.

Now....he wanted this house (I know NOW) because it was close to his parents - his parents make him feel safe - he needed to feel safe because he had been abused - that was why he was so adamant about it.

It wasn't what he wanted. He lied his *ss off because it was what made him feel safe.

I understand why he lied....but exactly what in that scenario means that I need to now spend every weekend picking up 10,000 leaves from 1,000 trees (I'm exaggerating obviously) I never wanted to have? I told him - cut them all the f*ck down and I'll mow. Nope - 9 years and it never happened. The spray paint marks are still on some of the 'to go' trees.

I told him - get me some stone and I'll make some nice areas we can use in the yard. He bought the stone from local guy....a friggin YEAR AGO....never picked it up.

So this morning - mid fight - he says " I won't be home tonight." Hmm.....fine - f*ck you too.

But always remember (and I didn't say this but I thought it).....I'm not the one who abused you, I'm not your parents that hid their heads in the sand and pretended everything was OK, and I'm not one of the MANY people who still feel free to call when they need help around their house but wouldn't call you in the hospital when you tried to kill yourself.

That wasn't me. I Am the one who helped you paint the outside, I AM one of two people who helped you put on the new roof, I AM the one who helped you put on the decks. I have made enough concessions here.

Unfortunately for me - I think that I AM NOT who he wanted to marry - I am just what made him feel safe.


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#371103 - 09/26/11 02:13 PM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: sugarbaby]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I feel ya, girl.


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#371113 - 09/26/11 04:23 PM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: hopeandtry]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
We are good people to vent to.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371121 - 09/26/11 05:22 PM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I love your post and see myself in your H.
Large house, everything falling down and me moaning that it is just to much to do on my own. I have two flipping gardeners, what more do I need?

And of course the wife just flips me the bird.
I am of course not brave enough to say i wont be home tonight. My darling will help me pack my bags.....with a smile.

Hang in there sugarbaby, it does get better........(specially if the house is insured, and there is a tornado) hehehehe.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371129 - 09/26/11 08:45 PM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
It's funny how the effects of abuse come out in seemingly unrelated things.


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#371136 - 09/27/11 01:54 AM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thats why we call ourselves "BROTHERS"

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371157 - 09/27/11 11:52 AM Re: The fallout is sometimes to much.....VENTING [Re: whome]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I feel better today. We talked a bit last night. He also picked up half of the stone I had been waiting on.

Thanks for listening. Some of the people I would normally talk to don't know about his abuse so I can't say much because then I have to speak in half truths and that just pisses me off more.

I found this yesterday. It is referring to incest victims but I thought this first line was very true for my H.

"..."Marriage is the spark that ignites the time bomb within many survivors...." from: http://www.meredithmaran.com/mag_bride_abused.htm






Edited by sugarbaby (09/27/11 12:19 PM)

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