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#371100 - 09/26/11 02:05 PM How do we change 1 out of 6?
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Since finding out the details of my husbands abuse I feel a call to action. Of course I want to help my husband but what about the others? How do we STOP this from happening to innocent children or make the number 1 out of 7. If we save 1 child from this, just one...

P.S. I realize that my husband is not willing to go public with this type of information and may never be. So for now I will need to work on the down low.


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#371108 - 09/26/11 03:33 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I am a writer. I asked one of the publications I write for if I could do a story about it. I sent queries to others. I told my husband that I will be crushed if I am rejected. I am usEd to getting rejection letters, but this story is soooooooo important. I know why people don't want to hear about it. It is awful. But it happens. Everyday. And it persists because of silence, secrecy and shame. Anything I can do to reduce that, I'm all over it.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371109 - 09/26/11 03:35 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: GoodHope]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I am trying to change things in my own corner by educating people when I hear them adhere to a "myth" or something like that.


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#371110 - 09/26/11 03:36 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: GoodHope]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
One thing I have done is to put MaleSurvivor.org pamphlets in my waiting room. Some have been picked up, and have started conversations between myself and some clients of mine about CSA.

I've also emailed the WOR brochures to someone I know suffered this.

I've been thinking about contacting some psychologists I know, to see if they would be willing to put some WOR brochures out at their offices....

_________________________
Female.

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#371114 - 09/26/11 04:30 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Disappointed]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
hate to say it.... BUT that # of 1 out of 6 is not correct... that is the #'s that have been reported and with the way society dictates that men/boys are to suck it up and take it, plus told to be quiet about it and never mention it, well..... it's sad, but true that the #'s are worse... i would venture to say at least a 3rd... more like 2 out of 6 or 1 out of 3....

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#371115 - 09/26/11 04:52 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Obi]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
It is true, Todd, which is all the more reason for us to try to lower the number...whatever it is.


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#371119 - 09/26/11 05:10 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gretta

In My mind there is only one solution, and that is to talk about this so damn much and be in peoples faces all the time.
Create awareness of this scourge and people will watch out for it.

CSA thrives on secrecy. If we put it out there and are extremely vocal about CSA, it can no longer be a secret and people will HAVE to do something about it.

Talk to schools, talk to parents, go on radio and television, be in the papers and talk talk talk about it.

I have just started helping and counseling victims of csa, and I am already getting tired of the number of survivors.
Did you know that research in the UK showed that 79% of the people in therapy for addiction were sexually abused......79% people,.... that's a helluva a lot of people.

Thanks for your eagerness and willingness to jump in and help. It is always inspiring.

BTW all very inspiring ideas. In Africa we say, How do you eat a whole elephant?...........One bite at a time.
Keep going, nothing better than pissed of ladies taking on a problem.!!!



Edited by whome (09/26/11 05:15 PM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371126 - 09/26/11 06:46 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Martin you are so right! We are pissed off and it's not a bad thing to harness. I agree. My children are all in different schools, I will contact each administration to find out how they are addressing this, I will also contact the home and school associations and see what kind of information they can get out. I guess I need to find out about the resources in my area. We are fortunate we can afford counseling but what about those that can't? Where do you go if you can't afford counseling? (which has been a God send for my husband). I have to imagine there are organization out there ready to go, I just need to find them.

Whatever the disturbing number is...one bite at a time!


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#371139 - 09/27/11 02:21 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Gretta
Love the entusiasm

Please arm yourself with all the tools you need before you go forth to conquer.

There are resources all over the web. If yu want some contact me.

Schools are a great place to start, talk to the kids and the teachers.
Teachers are the ones that see the changes in the children, and can initiate investigations etc.

My theory is rather be wrong, and offend someone, than be right and loose a child.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371140 - 09/27/11 03:54 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Be careful talking to under aged kids without parental knowledge and permission. l never had any conflict but here in America under 18 is still a juvinile. I have provided peer support and referral to a 16 year old, but his Father brought him over and we did a three way conversation the the young man opened up on one on one.
I do a lot more work educating non-victims and by doing that l meet lots of silent survivors.
So when l hear a first disclosure l need to have resources, referral to local support and materal for the secondary victims.
Be sure if you do join the crusade you must remember to be of service to the non-victim, silent victim and survivor.
Never open a wound you can't administer first aid.
The rewards are well worth the tears, l know.

Doug



Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (09/27/11 03:56 AM)
Edit Reason: Spell ck
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#371144 - 09/27/11 08:37 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
Originally Posted By: whome
Gretta
Love the entusiasm

Please arm yourself with all the tools you need before you go forth to conquer.

There are resources all over the web. If yu want some contact me.

Schools are a great place to start, talk to the kids and the teachers.
Teachers are the ones that see the changes in the children, and can initiate investigations etc.

My theory is rather be wrong, and offend someone, than be right and loose a child.


there's a problem with falsely investigating/offending someone. i agree that there needs to be ways to find out before another person becomes a victim, BUT my parents were accused/investigated for sexually abusing me, my brother and sisters... i'm here to tell you that those accusations were totally FALSE...

however, word spread quick through town that they were being investigated. even though the investigations came back to prove they were wrong and never hurt us the social stigma that was left on my parents was so damaging that we ended up moving away. society believed that they were child abusers/sex abusers even though the RUMORS were proven wrong....

i agree something needs to be done but i don't want any family to have to go through what my folks went through.

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#371158 - 09/27/11 11:59 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Obi]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 338
Quote:
Since finding out the details of my husbands abuse I feel a call to action. Of course I want to help my husband but what about the others? How do we STOP this from happening to innocent children or make the number 1 out of 7. If we save 1 child from this, just one...


I'm with you. IMHO - talk,talk,talk,talk,talk. Open dialogue gives men and boys a voice to tell. Voices to tell will let out the 'secrets' of the perps and limit (I should hope) their number of victims.

I post links to this site and others on my web sites, my social network sites, anywhere I see an opportunity. One of my forum posts had over 600 views. No comments - but a cr*p load of people looked at it. That, to me, says something.


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#371162 - 09/27/11 01:40 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Obi]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Good points all

I think that a lot is said from an Immediate emotional stand point.
Once these things are thought through, a decent plan of action can be brought to bare (Or is it bear, or bere, or, oh hell with it)
Thing is that the emotional ladies (and we love em) want to do something to raise awareness.

We are not asking them to go out and do one on one, rather they should be allowed to go to schools and tell people that it is not the perv in the long coat handing out candy, That is the only one to be afraid or "cautious" off, but it can also be your daddy, step daddy, priest, uncle or cousin, hell these days anything goes and it could be an Auntie.

There needs to be a program that tells kids, that if X is happening to you,YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT, tell us and we will help.
Your family will not be thrown in jail, or killed or even ostracized.

I don't know how the law works in the USA, but here if there is suspicion of CSA, the child is taken for counseling and only if something positive comes of it then further investigation is done

To start splitting hairs before it begins, is going to sow doubt and cause people to back out.
Whilst there is still a passion to do things let the eager ladies start working on the program.

We survivors, All of us need to get out from behind our keyboards and confront the world loud and healed.

If I need to listen to another story of a 7 year old child being raped by her uncle in this country, and I have sat quietly by and done nothing, then, am I not guilty of perpetrating that crime.

Remember that evil abounds, where good men do nothing.

Are we good men?



Edited by whome (09/27/11 02:07 PM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371165 - 09/27/11 03:01 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I promise to tread carefully. I imagine and hope there is something already set up in our area and perhaps I can lend some support to an existing organization.

Eldee I love what you are doing! My prayers are that your article gets written!

My husband is not ready for the world to know what happened to him, and I can't blame him. It's not that he actually cares it's the way people that do know tiptoe around him, waiting for him to blow up or melt down. He doesn't constantly want the heaviness of this to hang over him. Still new in his recovery so many more miles to go. We both know that from this something good must come.


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#371227 - 09/28/11 11:40 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
To all of you wanting to make a difference in the life of a child,

Thank you for caring enough to want to make a difference. If we all do a little it ends up being a lot. As a survivor I applaud and respect you and thank you. No child (male or female) should ever have to experience abuse, No child should ever cower in fear, No child should ever go to bed hungry. Children are innocent by definition and all children should be free to experience the joy of just being a child. I don't have the power to make it all stop for every child, but together we have the collective power to make a difference. The goal should always be to stop it completely, the reality is that can only be accomplished one step at a time.

Matt

_________________________
“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.”
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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#371275 - 09/29/11 12:11 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Obi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Gretta

I just watched on PBS the Nova programs on the Tsunami in Japan. It crept in at first. The effects were time-delayed. Because of that many didn't heed the warning signals. The devastation was great. By this date they have studied the effects and have a lot of understanding as to what happened.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/earth/japan-killer-quake.html

I am comparing the 1 out of 6 problem to a Tsunami. The damage that is done is unseen at first. Many go in ignorance of the warnings. Then it wreaks great havoc on the adult lives and marriages and families of the victims. The secrecy that surrounds csa contributes greatly to its destructiveness.

Puffer


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#371278 - 09/29/11 12:36 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
zraver Offline


Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 31
Loc: Conway, Arkansas
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Since finding out the details of my husbands abuse I feel a call to action. Of course I want to help my husband but what about the others? How do we STOP this from happening to innocent children or make the number 1 out of 7. If we save 1 child from this, just one...


Start at home, train your kids to be good people, to seek out good people becuase you sought out good people.

_________________________
How can some stuff last so long and be so fresh and yet I can't have that memory for good stuff.

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#371307 - 09/29/11 11:46 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
pinky Offline


Registered: 09/05/11
Posts: 4
I worked as a counselor at an elementary school and part of their curriculum was to have a few sessions on the issue. At this particular district the kids were exposed to it in K, 2nd and 4th grades. We talked about good touches and bad touches, good secrets and bad secrets. I find it such a difficult issue to educate children on mainly because it is so not black and white. In other words, it can be so subtle and "enjoyable" and often from those that the child loves and care for. I'm finding it tricky teaching my own children of the issue as well. How to protect them? How to make them understand? How to provide them with that trust that will allow them to come to me no matter what?


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#371321 - 09/29/11 04:02 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: pinky]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Pinky, for kids ages 3 to 8 there is a book called "my body belongs to me". I don't do good touch, bad touch. I teach no one touches private parts (theirs or anyone else's). I tell them doctors are allowed if mommy is there, and I can look down there if they hurt or itch. I pray they would tell me but my husband says his perp never told him "don't tell". He just didn't. He felt like he shouldn't tell. That makes me less sure.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#371346 - 09/30/11 12:16 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: GoodHope]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
My opinion is that the "Good touch, Bad touch" approach allows adults to avoid being the ones responsible for protecting kids. I've also read research saying it just often fails because the child is just not powerful enough against the word of an adult. Most likely a parent, teacher, relative or person the child "should listen to".

It's not a bad attempt of course. (good touch/bad touch)

Many stories of abused kids I've heard had clues the kids offered that adults could have picked up on and investigated. I'm convinced children show clear signs of sexual abuse but adults just so unwilling "to go there". So basically, they miss it. They ignore it. Here again, I think it's the responsibility of adults to ask questions, investigate even though it's very uncomfortable in our culture to wonder and inquire and "research" into the possibility a teacher, aunt, uncle, ..person you like... is abusing a child sexually.

Stop It Now has a great brochure I give out a lot to people about how to do this. For adults to talk to adults when you get "a funny feeling".

http://www.stopitnow.org/files/Lets_Talk.pdf

We have to do this though. Good thinking here!!!

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#371355 - 09/30/11 01:40 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: zraver]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Landofshadow

You are right the good touch bad touch thing works on kids below say 7. After that with boys at least, the touch can be pleasurable, so whats bad about pleasure.
What we need to get across to Children of a specific age is, that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO touch you there, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable you MUST TELL.
No we can get into the Mother sometimes touches you there, Daddy sometimes, Doctors sometimes, but mom must be there. There are few reasons why an adult must touch you there, one is sickness, and one is to ONCE or TWICE teach you how to wash there.

We are so busy protecting peoples "right to do" That we are missing the ONE BIG PICTURE, 1 IN 6.

I read interesting research from the UK
79% of all people in recovery programs for addiction, were sexually abused. That is huge.

Keep up the good fight all
We will save children

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#371472 - 10/01/11 09:13 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: whome
Landofshadow
I read interesting research from the UK
79% of all people in recovery programs for addiction, were sexually abused. That is huge.


And very often I hear, "They told me not to talk about that, and work on my drinking (addiction) first." Except, if you're coping with the abuse memories by drinking, it's hard to talk that away without providing a new way to cope.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#371486 - 10/02/11 03:00 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: LandOfShadow]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Land of Shadow
I distinctly told the Veterans Mental Health that if we treat the sexual trauma the drinking and marijuana will no longer be a problem. They all wanted to treat the end result and not the source. So l did it all on my own.
Doug

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#402136 - 06/29/12 10:38 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: whome]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: whome
Landofshadow

You are right the good touch bad touch thing works on kids below say 7. After that with boys at least, the touch can be pleasurable, so whats bad about pleasure.


My Mother and I think we have worked out I was about 5 when i had my first unwanted sexual experience from another little girl being abused, I am female too. It felt pleasurable, I went back for more, I wasnt told not to tell as far as i can remember, but the body language and whispering would have been enough to tell me I was being "naughty". At 5 I wouldnt have known it was "naughty" (seeing this through 5 year old eyes - the term naughty fits), unless she was able to convey that to me in some form, but im pretty sure it wasnt verbal. I just knew not to tell. Its possible i was older, im not certain, but i think i as a little girl was able to feel pleasure at that age, my psychologist agrees.

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#402141 - 06/29/12 11:52 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
To all of you who have replied,

This is one of the main reasons children targeted are generally 6plus....The pleasure element... They know it will reel them in... I have looked at a great deal of research by the NSPCC who are pioneering for more therapeutic services and piloting a programme whereby they are going into schools and targeting children in year 5 & 6 so around the 10yrs mark (personally I think this is too late , however there has been a great response and a marked increase in referrals for Child Sexual Abuse)I have had the opportunity t.o join the scheme however dont think this will be possible due to commitments at University. Which has upset me a bit as I'm very passionate about the subject (hence Social Work degree!!)

The issue of counselling and services my partner has also embarked upon... he abuses substances to block out and effectively function on a daily basis.... and believe me he is able to function surprisingly... he has been able to hold down a job, get on with day to day living in general...

Therapy services has stated that he needs to abstain from substances in order to receive counselling for the abuse he endured for over 8yr. But how can he abstain when he relies on these to be able to cope with the abuse and the aftermath.... surely it would be better to start counselling and work on a reduction programme for the substances... then when he begins to heal he will no longer be relient on them.... you need to treat the problem first that causes the behaviour!!

I have spoken to my son (now 7) for the past 2 years about touching, who is allowed to touch, when he should tell if someone has touched him in a way that is wrong or shown him things that are wrong. This mainly came about from the James Bulger incident and wanted to ensure he was as aware as he could be but in an age appropriate way. Also through working in children's services and seeing the volume of children currently suffering abuse.

And then theres my partner...who has completely opened my eyes to the long term effects suffered by victims of these vile and despicable crimes! The pain and suffering, constant living in limbo, feelings of worthlessness and inability to hold down a relationship due to the issues caused by the abuse.

The government and the Law need to readdress the sentencing and punishment of perps and the services and support available to survivors.

I am seriously contemplating writing to the current MP's (as there is a coalition in England at the moment) in order to bring these issues to light.... in a non jargon fashion and lay bear the effects of sexual abuse!

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#402143 - 06/29/12 12:00 PM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
The UK schools are currently all required to undertake PSHE (Physical Health and Sexual Education) in secondry...so 11 upwards... as well as SEAL (Social and Emotional Awareness lessons) these tackle different subjects on different levels from bullying, healthy eating, sexual identity, and some touch on safe relationships....

I completely agree with everything said.. I want to move into therapeutic services when I qualify as a Social Worker and provide possibly independent services for children and adults who have been abused (emotional, physical and sexual. I live in a relatively medium town in the UK and there is one service that is tailored... for sexual abuse! ONE SERVICE!!

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#402186 - 06/30/12 12:41 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
ahyden Offline


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 12
I'm so grateful there are people who are willing to take action to address this problem. It gives me hope for humanity.

I just want to remind you that SA also happens to infants as in my case, and they cannot be educated or tell anyone what happens to them.

But any increase in awareness of SA should be helpful.

Thanks again for caring.

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#441029 - 07/16/13 08:30 AM Re: How do we change 1 out of 6? [Re: Gretta]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I can only think of one way to fight the problem. For me that will mean speaking in public about what happened to me and how I got help. I'll start at my church and then go anywhere I'm invited to speak to adults there about the signs that I showed during all of that and how no one seemed to notice. Maybe speak at schools (colleges). I'm not quite ready yet as still have stuff to work out in T, but I see speaking as a way to take the bad and turn it to something good. It won't be fun or comfortable, but I think it'll get easier with practice. If I can stop even one kid's life from being what mine was and is, that will make the public embarrassment of crying on stage worth it. I did speak once and only had to stop for a few seconds because of the tears, but people told me what I said made a difference. One guy told me...wow, that happened to me too. Now I know I'm not alone and can get help. That made it worth it.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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