get sucked back in again and again and again..
No matter what you do or don't do
Nothing seems to help nothing really changes

Bullshit Lucas. Bullshit.

You got balls you got brains. You will break away from it all.

Be well.

Remember that your abuse is this big mass in your life with its own gravity. It takes sufficient speed to achieve escape velocity and that doesn't happen without something that can push you there.

I don't know what your situation is but I'm wondering what inventory you've taken regarding: therapy, avoiding self-destructive behavior, avoiding drugs and alcohol, changing your lifestyle to make it more difficult for destructive people in your life.

I don't know the answer but you do ... let us know.

brains.. maybe. But that doesn't help if you don't know what to do with them.
I'm not doing drugs or alcohol or other self destructing things.
If you don't count isolating yourself from real life, I guess.
But eventually if I go outside... with people but esp alone.
Something always happens. Just don't know when. But it does.
It always does. No matter how often you say no or tell me I can change it... Idk why i'm even trying to explain things
It's not gonna change anything anyway

Life happens Lucas and at times life sucks. Then again at other times life can be Effing Great.

It's about hoping for the best and being ready for the worst.

Lucas get outside and stop isolating. You are not even afraid of the worst that can happen. So take the chance will ya.

if it was only that simple
sigh
isolating seems to be the best option to stop these things
but im still going to work
so it doesnt really work
staying safe

Lucas,

I can't say anything that would help you, unless you are ready to hear it. So i wont give you any advice.

Just know that you are cared about and that you matter to me. I will love you in a good and positive way, until you can love yourself. You are worth it, as we all are. You are in a bad place mentally and it seems physically, and so it is difficult to understand the good things the other guys are trying to tell you.

I know the pain and i know the isolation. It is real and you are enmeshed in it right now. Hang on buddy, don't let go. Keep coming back and try to listen to what people are trying to help you with. Oops, that was advice; can't avoid it I guess.

peace

paul

Hey man, just spill it out.
We're listening. Keep talking.
We're here with you.
We are listening.
Keep talking with us. You never know how your words are helping those who cannot express themselves right now.
Keep talking.

it just hurts so fricking much
it overpowers me at times
it hurts to breath
world starts spinning and i HAVE to sit down
Its almost as if it paralyses me
feeling that old shit over and over again
smell it hear it
i see that guy again smiling telling me to keep my mouth shut
'you'll never be free'

the last few days have been like im in a bad movie
or a horror movie
I feel detached from myself
But im usually pretty good at hiding it
Fosterparents know something is up but they think its like normally when i have better and worse days or periods
i guess you can call this a bad period
It still feels like a bad movie though
'it didnt really happen'
But ive been going from panicattack to flashback to bodymemories and back to numb and detached
i really just want to be with my brother right now

supposed to go to work in like half a hour but i really don't feel like leaving my room let alone go outside
I threw up just out of nervousness
ugh

what if you let it happen when ure an adult
paralysed
feel everything

Lucas please try and go easy on yourself. Men here respect you, reach out and talk it out more with any you feel safe with.

I do not buy from you or any here the "as an adult" worry. I know other good men feel that same effect.

Everytime it was abuse. I don't care if it was at 8 or 18, etc. The abuser had control over you each time. It was all abuse.

Keep venting, talking, etc. Keep fighting.

neverending story

Yes Lucas it is a never ending story.

How about it ends "and Drop lived happily ever after..."

it isnt disney

No Lucas is is not. Nor does it need to be a horror movie.

Meet me mid way huh?

It matters, you matter.

to late it already is and its on repeat

im gonna be blunt (deep breath)
I got hurt again this week
i know physically i cant fight them off
cant run them off
it totally took me offguard weird as that is
there was a van with two guys
after work
they seemed to know me but i didnt know them
im not sure how i got home but i did somehow
ive never really been suicidal but
yeh i guess i am now
i gotta go now or i'll do something stupid for real

If I read you correctly, you need to find somebody to reach out to and ask for help.

Puffer

Sometimes some grounding techniques can help. I get down sometimes,too....and I'm 57 and didn't really tell what happened until about 1 1/2 years ago. Even my wife - she just thought I didn't like sex much....that was just the start. Anyway, a grounding technique is something like this - these feelings are all that will ever be - not true. Feelings come and go. I am what happened to me - not true. What happened to us is not all we are. We are fathers, sons, uncles, cousins, co-workers, neighbors, friends. I am unique - to a point you are - but in this sense - not true. Look at the numbers that belong to this site. One thing my T taught me - We have been given a dark gift. Odd, I know. But we can take the healing to others who have had to live like us - something no one else can bring but us.

Drop - I know you're going thru hell right now. Listen to Puffer...if you're having real out of body experiences and missing time and all that stuff, reach out and get some help. A common thread of yours is wanting to feel safe, starting to, but then being lost in absolute danger.

I'm a no bullshit guy, so let me put it this way and this is said with love: Break the cycle, now, no more excuses for not getting help...you wouldn't be here if you didn't have the seed (even the tiniest thought) that you can weather this and eventually thrive. So honor that...NOW. You may strike out a few times with different options until you reclaim your life, but break the danger-cycle...pick up the phone, call and make the appointment, whatever -- but do it.

Listen, you deserve to live; there is a purpose to your life. Imagine if someday you could help others struggling with this same thing. If someone came to you stuck like you sound now, but you could help guide them out. That you started today by doing something different, as crazy as it felt, and were now in front of us all years later to shine as a beacon to those struggling like you are now. Even if you touch just one life...it's the stuff of miracles.

Listen to Puffer's advice please. Get yourself safe...be the first person you protect.

Feeling for you, brother.
Kevin

Well said Alan,

Good advice and wisdom.

clap, clap, clap.

listen to this Brandon.

Let us be your support group.

let us love you until you can and are able to love yourself.

you can do this.

keep coming back.

keep listening.

get some help from a professional who knows how to guide you, also.

peace bro

paul

Well said Kevin!

Listen to it Brandon.

Do it for yourself and for your future and for your brother. He would want the best for you as we all do.

When i am stuck in the problem I am unable to work on the problem. When I am focusing on the solution, I am able to get a solution. You can too. You will be able to make things better.

Get some help man. You need it to be the best you are capable of and you are worth it.

I have read several of your recent posts to others and you have good advice and wisdom that you shared with others. You have it in you bro, and you can make it through this. Do it. Just do it.

peace

paul

right now i circle around between feeling sick, depressed, scared and some kind of numbness where i can joke around but not feel much
ive been to a t before that didnt help
Even they agreed they couldnt help me so *shrugs*
even if i tell on these guys there will be someone else standing up to fill up their spot
gosh its like they are in line waiting for their turn or something

i know i sound dramatic but its how i feel and i dont seem to be able to change it

...right...its how you feel...and simply that...a feeling

and you are also right...you don't think you can change it...but in reality you can. You may not know *how* right now, but you can...and I think you know that.

...final thought...just because one T was unequipped to help you doesn't mean that you are unsaveable. That a load of horse sh*t. Find another. There are good doctors and quacks...same applies to CSA Ts.

all i can think about is how many more times till i get it ´right´ then. And do i even want to wait that long.
in the meantime trying to ignore the physical consequences like i used to do,,

You're worth the work. Maybe no one else says so in our life, but we here do. As IrishDad said - get help. The need you have can't be met unless you make the need known. Call someone and let the need be known....

im just feeling so.. down lately
like its sucking the life out of me
i go to work but thats about it
just no energy for anything else
my mind circles between maybe you're better of death, or alone, the recent abuse and not.wanting.to.go.to.work or do much of anything really to missing my brother so badly it physically hurts

Lucas, men here know you are very strong and you matter.

Talk this out with the men here you trust the most.

It has been unfair to you and you do deserve so much more.

Get what you deserve.

We beleive in you. I wish I had better words but they are all genuine ones....Keith