Lucas please try and go easy on yourself. Men here respect you, reach out and talk it out more with any you feel safe with.
I do not buy from you or any here the "as an adult" worry. I know other good men feel that same effect.
Everytime it was abuse. I don't care if it was at 8 or 18, etc. The abuser had control over you each time. It was all abuse.
Keep venting, talking, etc. Keep fighting.
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.