get sucked back in again and again and again..
No matter what you do or don't do
Nothing seems to help nothing really changes

Bullshit Lucas. Bullshit.

You got balls you got brains. You will break away from it all.

Be well.

Remember that your abuse is this big mass in your life with its own gravity. It takes sufficient speed to achieve escape velocity and that doesn't happen without something that can push you there.

I don't know what your situation is but I'm wondering what inventory you've taken regarding: therapy, avoiding self-destructive behavior, avoiding drugs and alcohol, changing your lifestyle to make it more difficult for destructive people in your life.

I don't know the answer but you do ... let us know.

brains.. maybe. But that doesn't help if you don't know what to do with them.
I'm not doing drugs or alcohol or other self destructing things.
If you don't count isolating yourself from real life, I guess.
But eventually if I go outside... with people but esp alone.
Something always happens. Just don't know when. But it does.
It always does. No matter how often you say no or tell me I can change it... Idk why i'm even trying to explain things
It's not gonna change anything anyway

Life happens Lucas and at times life sucks. Then again at other times life can be Effing Great.

It's about hoping for the best and being ready for the worst.

Lucas get outside and stop isolating. You are not even afraid of the worst that can happen. So take the chance will ya.

if it was only that simple
sigh
isolating seems to be the best option to stop these things
but im still going to work
so it doesnt really work
staying safe

Lucas,

I can't say anything that would help you, unless you are ready to hear it. So i wont give you any advice.

Just know that you are cared about and that you matter to me. I will love you in a good and positive way, until you can love yourself. You are worth it, as we all are. You are in a bad place mentally and it seems physically, and so it is difficult to understand the good things the other guys are trying to tell you.

I know the pain and i know the isolation. It is real and you are enmeshed in it right now. Hang on buddy, don't let go. Keep coming back and try to listen to what people are trying to help you with. Oops, that was advice; can't avoid it I guess.

peace

paul

Hey man, just spill it out.
We're listening. Keep talking.
We're here with you.
We are listening.
Keep talking with us. You never know how your words are helping those who cannot express themselves right now.
Keep talking.

it just hurts so fricking much
it overpowers me at times
it hurts to breath
world starts spinning and i HAVE to sit down
Its almost as if it paralyses me
feeling that old shit over and over again
smell it hear it
i see that guy again smiling telling me to keep my mouth shut
'you'll never be free'

the last few days have been like im in a bad movie
or a horror movie
I feel detached from myself
But im usually pretty good at hiding it
Fosterparents know something is up but they think its like normally when i have better and worse days or periods
i guess you can call this a bad period
It still feels like a bad movie though
'it didnt really happen'
But ive been going from panicattack to flashback to bodymemories and back to numb and detached
i really just want to be with my brother right now