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#368538 - 08/20/11 04:39 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Czaesar72]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
hang in there henri

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#370117 - 09/14/11 03:47 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Czaesar72]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Henry. My man. You made me cry. It's like you are reading my mind. I feel like every man I meet at work or in a store is either a threat or I feel I have to do him to make him like or accept me. I fight these feelings every day. I understand the obsession part completely. I feel like maybe one more and I'll get it right. Add this into coming home to my wife of over 30 years. Hiding this compulsive need to feel liked,loved, accepted by a man. And feeling like what the fuck am I doing? I could lose it all if I get caught. I love my wife and kids, but I feel like I am trained that the only way the"guys" at work or in the world will accept me is if I end up on my knees. This group is keeping me sane right now because it feels like a safe place to vent. Your video really hit home. YOU are surely not alone. Hang in. We will all make it through together brother.


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#370157 - 09/15/11 02:54 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Dexter]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thx man. This is tough shit but things have been better for me lately. Group helped me so much. I'm glad you have group. Stay with it man.
They say that the severity of PTSD depends alot on wether or not you can derive comfort (non-sexual) from another human being. Finding your allies is important but #1 is self love.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#370164 - 09/15/11 08:37 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
And thats the tough part for me. I am so consumed with self hate I deel like I deserve nothing. I will do anything to help someone else but feel I dont deserve the same. Oh well, as long as I am working on it I feel like it may happen some day.


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#370185 - 09/15/11 03:23 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Dexter]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
It will get better and you know it. I know you know it too, deep down.
And as far as feeling unworthy and undeserving, *eh em* (forgive me)
BULLSHIT! we both know it. I know the feeling too but it's bull.
What's happened to us has made us both more deserving than any other sheltered naiive leave it to beaver type guy.
What happened wasn't personal at all and that's what puts it into perspective. It could have been me or you or the kid down the block, the results would've been the same.
You come first, then others. You're the one who has been through hell and knows suffering. I will always respect that on a level that words cannot express.
Love and respect
Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#370186 - 09/15/11 03:32 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Oh and it turns out that alot of guys are just as scared and confusex as me and you. Theyre human too. It's hard to accept that. Sometimes I just feel like I am inferior or that I have to "do them" and while the drive is still there (for obvious reasons) i've come to realize that if I talk to other guys and try and relate (while noticing the afforementioned "drive" and reminding myself that I don't HAVE to "go there") I can actually relate and identify with them and find allies.
This is something I have only recently begun to accept. (the positive things can be hard to accept when you hate yourself)
You know you deep down and I know you too. We both know you won't give up and you will find happiness as hard as that can be to accept.
PS sorry for the rant
love and respect
Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#370796 - 09/23/11 12:17 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Henri,
God, you got it right, I feel the same fucking way, I'm so sorry, I'm fucking sick of it. I also see men as the exact way you describe them....two ways, sexually, or wanting to integrate into being them...where the FUCK am I?

_________________________
I don't have one

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#370800 - 09/23/11 02:05 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Sailboat92]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
You had it really bad man. That's hard to see sometimes. Alot of times.
You're a man. You're one of "them".
"They" All grew up together and learned to relate to eachother while we got fucked over.
It's not fair when what you really want is in conflict with what you've been forced into and programmed to "want"
There is hope. You know it as well as I do.
The thing is it's hard work. Just make sure not to forget to have some fun along the way.(that's how you win) :-)

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
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