My meds are many. I've just added yet another TWO meds because of ultra-painful sadness. the P does not see as more "depression" but more as radical and severe "sadness."

I now suffer from Virtigo cuz of all my meds. And this is REALLY bad virtigo...so, another med.

With all my co-pays for meds and the requisit therapy appointments, I can't cover the cash.

I no longer qualify for pharma assistance programs.

I truly don't know what to do.

I slithered so low as to mention it to my pseudo-wealthy father who just returned from a month in France. No reaction.

I'm supposed to pay a large percentage for maint on the marital residence (where I don't live). I have to pay child support. I have to pay all the normal bills for living else I'm viewed as an unfit father. If I miss the court-required payments, I go to jail.

The credit industry has my phone ringing ALL day long.

When a house reaches a certain point, they crunch it.

When a car requires too many repairs, they scrap it.

I'm happy to have God on my side cuz he's the ONLY one who can get me out of this.

And this afternoon I recvd a letter from HMO Blue that I'm only covered for 28 T visits per year. I've already used that many.

What's he trying to tell me?

To get busy living? maybe he wants you to stop being sad, he loves you and doesn't like your pain.

God BLess you Robbie. I will pray for you.

Rob,

Another survivor made the comment, "Depression is self anger". That is such a powerful statement. When we are abused, it becomes our fault, but there is apart of us that knows it is not our fault, and it gets louder and more aggressive as time goes on.

We get angry, full of resentment and loss, and embittered. We lash out at, in no particular order, our parents, our siblings, our leaders in faith, our teachers, our bosses, and God himself. Society teaches us through discipline that we cannot act out against any of these, except God. When we attempt to communicate our pain through actions, we are met with stern opposition, discipline and correction.

When we finally learn the lesson, there are just two entities we can be enraged at, God.., and us. So we turn that unrecovered anger inward, and we loath and rile inside of us.

Maybe what you need is to remember that you can be loved, you are valuable, and what you can no longer do to others, you cannot do to yourself. Call it the final lesson in anger, you have reconciled with everyone else, time to forgive you.

S

So I'm not doing so well. Since I "left the site in order to move-on," I'm now out of T appointments, cannot afford co-pays for MD, Psychiatrist or Chiro appointments. Can't pay the co-pay for the ween-off med of Depacote. Can't see the MD from the new Virtigo ride I'm on. Co-pay on Abilify, Effexor, Klonopin, Toperal and Depacote???? $$$$

I went to court today to watch the Probable Cause hearing of a habitual Pedo in my town (see blog). It was interesting that every time I'm in that courthouse, the majority of "houskeeping" cases they hear are of guys IN JAIL whom are IN JAIL cuz they are delinquent on child-support. Why are they "delinquent?" They get laid-off of their job.

So far, I'm able to pay the child support. I just may die while doing it.

My my my...so many ways to suffer when you are broke.

God Bless you ROb.

God Bless you.

I will pray for you and ask some others to pray for you.

Robbie,
I owe you this one bro,

Lord, my fellow brother Robbie is in need; strength to endure your conditioning and understanding to maintain his peace. He needs the Son, Jesus, to touch his pain and sorrow with a healing. Lord only you can fix things Robbie can not, please let his plea for relief be heard, Amen.

Thank you Father and Son.

Robbie, my fraternal brother.

You love God, that much I know. He loves you too. You put your trust in Him.

I offer you as ever, my compassion, understanding & love. That's the only thing that i possess.
It will not help monetarily in paying for your meds, help in therapy, etc. But, I hope it sooths your troubled heart & soul.

I'll offer up my prayers on your behalf. But, I sure hope that the line between HIM and me is still open.

((((((ROBBIE)))))), my brother wishing you some peace & serenity that you so richly deserve.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Thank you guys. I thank ALL of you.

Unfortunately, today, things got a lot worse. I can't write it out again, so here's a letter I wrote to my T:

-------------------

Steven,

I've got to cancel Monday's appointment. I'm emailing now in hopes this email will register with you prior to a call on Monday AM.

I've got some serious issues to take care of as the IRS has just hit me with a rather large financial slam stemming from the divorce stuff.

Just an FYI: I was already in serious emotional defeat prior to receiving this IRS letter today, as I cannot make co-pays for MD appointments I absolutely have to have or the co-pays for the meds that are running-out right now.

I made one final plea to my father for help and it went un-answered. I'm not even going to bother with my sister. The only people who might have helped are gone now. All dead.

I awoke today, in my usual quandry as to who and where I am now. It all became quite clear as to why this has been happenning. I had built such a wonderful mask-life...a wonderful survival-life...so wonderful that I am simply un-able to process nor comprehend that its truly, actually gone. I had built it. I had done it! I was victorious over all the shit from my past. Now I'm back in it...in parts so deep that any swimming would not offer remote salvation.

This truly IS rock-bottom for me. The only trouble is, i don't have an addiction to give-up.

When the addict hits the famous 'rock-bottom,' he works toward giving-up his sources of pain, destruction and ruin. Interesting how the self-inflicted shit can actually be shed-loose, but the splashed paint of someone else's vice will never leave me.

This IRS bill will be it for me. I was already finished. This is simply over-kill. I'm guessing someone, somewhere is getting a good laugh. They always did.

I've got Jesus down here at rock-bottom. He says he won't leave.

(Long spew of cuss words)

(Short prayer in anger)

Robbie,
This news pisses me off...sorry for you bro.
I wonder if this happens to women?

Well, over the past four years l have lost everything and have garnishments on my frkn Social Security Disability, eats my lunch. And l lost a successful business within weeks of disclosure in July 2007. A home and all my equipment followed then by family and dignity...sad stuff.

The good side is that l got an even closer spiritual connection to the Good Lord and His Son the Healer.

As for what l lost, abandoned and used to have...it was all a bunch of artificial run away insecurities. Even the career was a hiding place right in the middle of society.

The change over was very difficult and lasted four years, and like you the shit just never ceased. I still get medical bills l will never pay and so l send them to the garbage. I should send them to the White House and tell them to pay, it was their fault...

Sorry, l should be supportive and here l am ranting on...

I remember when l first got to MS and man, you have always been one of the men here that l truely look up to...and still do. Plus my relatives landed in Liberty Mass. in 1734 and they paid taxes to the King, fought on the Revolutionary War. Ebenezer and Luther Blake kept a family diary with the family names. The writting is very broken and mispelled. My family still has many herilooms and the Ye Ole Blake tall clock in my moms home.

So l can understand your family heritage and how broken you must feel.
(((Doug Hug)))

I always worry about you bro...your in my current thoughts and prayers.

Doug
BBB

OK. So, right now i'm not able to cover Dr visits' CO-PAYS. Meds as well are really bad for co-pays. I can't buy the vertigo meds any longer cuz the co-pays equal $90/month.

I just confirmed that the meds' co-pays are "going up" according to some convoluted table of classification.

Doctor visits, including my GP, T and Psychiatrist will be $50/visit! This is because my ex's company is having "their best year ever." Yeah! They are smoking their financial goals in spades and announced heavy-heavy cuts in health insurance. Though the bigs all got mega bonuses.

If yer confuzzled as to why I have insurance thru my ex, the court ordered it since the state allows like 5-years of ex-spousal coverage under the family plan. It costs her nothing extra. The problem is, I cannot use my Medicare cuz of this insurance. But Medicare covers ZERO of my $3000/months PTSD and Depression/bipolar meds.

In this economy, corporations feel the need to exploit conditions because they can. Turnover, in good times is so heavy that no one will remain to remember this abuse of the situation. Its really too bad so many corporations have no soul.

I'm SO screwed!!!!

Robbie,

I can relate to the inability to pay your co-pays. I am in the same situation.

What to do???? Your NOT alone.

Peace,
Avery