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#370394 - 09/17/11 11:10 PM I can't believe I am here
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Early this year I discovered that my husband was cheating on me. Once I was able to collect enough information I confronted him. In the process it was much worse than I had suspected. He had been visiting prostitutes for many years. He was looking for random sex partners on the Internet, and as well as spending countless hours watching porn and masturbating.

I can't believe it. We have since discovered that he was sexually abused by both his grandfather and father (age 4-12). This abused spiraled into him being the sex toy of the neighborhood. He shakes and breaks out in old sweats when reliving these memories. Many of his memories are very violent. Each recovered memory is worse than the last. I love him and my heart is breaking. We have three children and keeping my family together is important to me.

I just don't understand how his abuse went undetected and why he went back to many of his abusers. They hurt him. This journey is so daunting.


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#370395 - 09/17/11 11:41 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Gretta,

First, I hope you don't mind a survivor's reply to your questions and issues. Second, I'm very sorry you and your family have to go through this.

You are asking questions surrounding some of the very most fundamental factors of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). Given this, I urge you to put all reactions and decisions on hold until you recv ample knowledge about it.

Your post is chaulk-full of common issues, all of which can be fully explained and addressed through reading here and in the books in our bookstore (accessable through the front page).

two aspects I would urge you to tread carefully (avoid verbalizing) are these:
Quote:
I just don't understand how his abuse went undetected and why he went back to many of his abusers.


1) Some of the people who were tasked with detecting his abuse were his abusers. Please don't blame the little boy for complying with the adults in his life. They began 'normalizing' CSA into his life from the beginning of very formative years.

2) Why he went back: Again, he was trained, rasied and normalized into this. For someone SO young, it became a lot like learning his first language. He was given and trained into a roll in life. He truly knew nothing else. It WAS and maybe still IS his ROLE in life (in his own mind).

Yes, this is a daunting journey. Yes he went through hell and back a million times. And you; You are being drawn into this world no matter how much you object. We were ALL drawn into it regardless of our objections.

I posted videos on my blog that depict horror and issolation. Watch them if you need a view to this hell. Else, I suggest you get to ordering books tonight.

The support and expert material here at MS is vast. Good reading until books arive.

Some will say 'getting a good therepist is paramount.' I dissagree. You need to get a good fundamental understanding of CSA before either of you can choose a 'good therepist.' Therepists that are 'lesser' can be devastating to individuals and families. Been there, done that.

Welcome to the site...very very sorry you need to be here.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#370397 - 09/17/11 11:59 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Hang in there, girl. There is a lot of support here. I am sorry you are going through this, and I am sorry for your husband for what he's been through. Try to remember to take care of YOU and your kids, too. Keep reading and learn what you can about CSA. PM me anytime.


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#370398 - 09/17/11 11:59 PM . [Re: Still]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370400 - 09/18/11 12:18 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks for your responses. We are both in therapy and my heart breaks for the little boy inside my husband. I am lucky that he trusts me enough to tell me what has happened, but it's hard. I am not even sure I am getting everything.

I am so angry at his mother for missing this and not protecting her beautiful little boy. I will check out the reading material. His father and grandfather are dead and he told his family. His mothers response was good. She believed him and is offering as much support as possible. He has one sibling that is in denial but she may have been abused as well.

Thanks for listening.


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#370401 - 09/18/11 12:20 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: lady123
Robbie, I have a follow up question regarding therapy. I don't even know if this is true, but I imagine that telling others the details of abuse is a necessary part of healing. For a person talking about it for the first time, or recovering new memories (as is Gretta's husband) - what is the best venue for telling those stories?


Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT share details with your spouse. I'll say that again: DO NOT share details with your spouse. It can cause trauma by proxy at a minimum. It can lead to huge problems in any 'understanding.' Proper venue would be with a GOOD therepist (T) who really knows what he's doings. Church staff, even doctors, family members...none need to hears details.

"Details" are one of those hells we have to endure as a child. Things that cannot even be spoken of in adulthood, have to be carried and kept silent as a child. It IS PURE HELL. I cannot even share the horrors with my T yet. Can't share something with an adult, that I, as a boy, experienced and then covered-up. Great stuff!!! HUH? Yeah.....I can't even allow my mind to drift toward the details without body spasms and triggering flashback tapes that can kill.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#370403 - 09/18/11 12:35 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My husband does not seem to have a ton of control when he has his flashbacks. I think he pushes them down until they just can not stay down anymore. I catch him at night in cold sweat, crying. I just hold him and tell him I love him. They seem to be getting worse and worse. Robbie, His experience seems much like yours. Thanks to his father's abuse he became routinely abused by older neighborhood boys. Brutally raped and humiliated.

Does anyone recommend treatment facilities. He seems to feel better once he shares his experience but it's never long before I can tell the memories slowly start to drag him under.

I love him so much, but I wonder has he told me everything about the infidelity? Besides the countless prostitutes who else has he slept with? Has he ever been with another man and has he ever thought of doing this to another child, my children. I asked them in a round about way but we all know how difficult it is to break that silence.


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#370405 - 09/18/11 12:37 AM . [Re: Still]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370406 - 09/18/11 12:44 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks Lady, one day at a time. We have a life that needs to keep moving. So we try to walk and function in between the land mines.


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#370407 - 09/18/11 12:46 AM . [Re: lady123]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370408 - 09/18/11 12:54 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Yes I am. My husband has given me full access and permission to talk to his therapist and I plan on going to his next session to discuss our children. But given the circumstances I think it's pretty normal to be concerned. I do know that most victims do not go out and abuse. I think I read that on this web site. I feel bad because the victim is once again victimized with this stigma.

But my husband is a fantastic liar and has been for a long time so it hard to trust what he says.


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#370421 - 09/18/11 08:17 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Gretta I hope you are getting therapy. I am a survivor and unfortunately my wife has the children in the middle of what is happening. Like your husband I pushed it down and down. It came back and took over who I was. I lost time and did not and still do no know everything that happened. My wife had the children spying on me, going through papers, computer, cell phone. They found stuff which they splashed all over to the rest of my children and her family. She did not ask or want to understand, part of me was self abusing, looking for men to re perform the acts the priest had done to me as a child. They say I am gay, if I was that would be ok, but I only want to be in a loving relationship with a woman. The new pains from being spit on, living in fear as doors were kicked in, ganging up on me and screaming in my face, throwing things at me, locking me in the office and having to climb out the window for freedom by my family was too much. My other side took over and I left. So please make sure you are getting help and do not share too much anger and pain with the children, they do need a father and bringing them into the mess may be too much for them. It will not only destroy the marriage but the child. But your and the children's safety is paramount. I commend you on your support of your husband. I wish you well as well as the children and your husband.


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#370422 - 09/18/11 09:04 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Gretta, im sorry to say I, too, know how you feel. Fear of the future, anger at betrayal (that by people close to my boy husband who raped him and didn't protect him) and deep distrust of the man I committed to for life who is the best liar I've ever seen. I don't trust myself to spot signs, of affairs or anything else. Details are an awful thing to know. It had made me borderline paranoid about everyone who has contact w my children. EVERYONE. I know disturbing things About my husband but very few. It is the cesspool drew of stuff in my mind that I've learned from obsessively researching CSA in an attempt to help my husband and myself get through this awful crisis. I thought women were less likely to abuse so until a few months ago, I felt safe when they were w women. No longer. Cousins? Forget about it. Siblings? Nope. My husband wanted to be immune from my scrutiny. Nope. Can't do it. We had a massive fight. I would not stay if I thought for one second he was abusing our kids, but I don't know. I don't know anything anymore about anyone. After he cooled off he said he wished his parents were as vigilant but they didn't KnoW to be suspicious of a step brother. I wouldnt have known 4 months ago when my journey began.

Your pain is real and justified. You have been betrayed. The reason explains why but does not take away the pain. I don't know, so survivors please correct menif I'm speaking out of turn, dbut it seems like someone telling him, "well your abuser was probably abused." explains it, but it's still wrong and traumatic. If that made everything ok, we wouldn't be spending thousands of dollars on therapy would we?

So research, grieve, cry, love and support. I try to keep my kids out of it though they have caught me crying. This is the domain of adults.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370423 - 09/18/11 09:17 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
I know the pain is real and it does not go away. To feel betrayed is horrific. I know the feeling because I feel betrayed by my abuser, the one who I was to revere, a priest with the word of God. Dutifully I complied. Why the shame and blame. So I know my wife feels betrayed by my actions. Actions I still do not understand--why would I do. Betrayal is an awful thing. I am sorry for it, but I have my therapy is helping me--I am feeling better about myself and the child in me seems to be less angry. Seek help, my wife is going to psychiatrist who does not believe anyone dissociates or experience loss of self worth from the abuse. It is a convenient excuse she said the doctor said. But now it is for me to heal and hopefully those around me will heal. I agree these events are the domain of adults- Best wishes on healing and I do hope the pain does subside for everyone.


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#370424 - 09/18/11 09:29 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Tell your wife to switch therapists! I did.'they are not created equal. I sought a therapist to walk me through the healthiest way to leave. Aftr 3 sessions, I knew she wasn't equipped to deal with the intricacies of CSA. I found a therapist who specializes in CSA so that she could synthisize his abuse issues with what I am going through. It's beneficial and much more helpful. I'm staying in my marriage as long as my husband is seeking well ess through treatment. A good therapist illuminates things for us non CSA folk. Last week, I was recounting some somewhat minor issue and she interrupted me to explain the way CSA interrupts the normal process. What I am expecting, is not gonna happen at this point. What I expect is normal, but his development is not. That kind of knowledge changes how I interact w my husband for the better. It's worth the search.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370425 - 09/18/11 09:32 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Thank you and I will encourage her to change. I have tried, but your words may help. Thanks again.


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#370426 - 09/18/11 09:38 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Also, many therapists will allow you to "interview" them on the phone. You can ask what is their experience w CSA, disassociation, etc. Those questions can give you an inkling of their perspective. I hate I wasted $300 on the first one but Immglad I realized she was not capable of meeting my needs and leaving before taking any of her advice. I can see where a bad therapist can do a lot of damage to an already fragile situation.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370427 - 09/18/11 10:16 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: eldee
... You have been betrayed. The reason explains why but does not take away the pain. I don't know, so survivors please correct menif I'm speaking out of turn, dbut it seems like someone telling him, "well your abuser was probably abused."


[please read in as only my explaination of condition...not as a fight. I wrote this in a calm voice, but sometimes such things can be read as combative]

Many of us emerge with horrid secrets about what happened to us. We, like most people, do the best we can with what we have been dealt. CSA imposes a rather huge list or exceptional challenges. We know that the public and individuals have wrong pre-conceived notions about us, by the nature of the abuse. For example; if I tell my spouse I was in a car accident as a kid and fear ANY travel on the highway, that proclamation is met with complete understanding. However, tell my spouse that older boys used me like a warm pot-roast every time they got horny and that I hated my self then, and that it evolved into a love-relationship after 5 years and that I have generated a few extra personalities along the way, and that I never told anyone, and that my body physically responded, and that my first orgasm was from one of those guys doing ‘that,’ and that we hear the public scorn us for all the myths and that we heard you and your parents have myth-based opinions about CSA and survivors….

We wanted a shot at life. We were kept out of life during childhood. Much of our early adulthood may have been spent dusting ourselves off and standing-up from the worst beating possible short of murder.

We wanted a shot at life. We thought that’s what men do: Dust yourself-off and get on with life.
What’s the alternative? Maybe we ought to sandal-shuffle through the city streets seeking the next meth rock? Maybe we ought to be left out of life.

I chose not to be left out of life, but I was eventually kicked out and covered with sticky-notes warning of myths…condemning with lies.

Were my abusers probably abused? No. tHey were undisciplied jocks whom had a sence of entitlement insalled in them by overly zeallous sporting programs and virtually no parental supervision. They also had ample access to porn that they practically used as 'how-to' manual. (they were 12 when it began)


_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#370430 - 09/18/11 11:32 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I am not angry at my husband I am angry at the non abusive adults that missed the signs. I am FURIOUS at my animal of a father in law. I hope he rots in hell. My husband is from a large family with much extended family. My husband had hemorrhoids! He had several issues with his testicles that his mom took him to the drs for...no one caught it?

My children know little to nothing. I am sure my oldest senses something since I have been drilling him about inappropriate touching. Actually since my husband got caught he is home more and more engaged with our family. He originally stopped drinking, Fathers day he was a mess. I fully realize that I am a co dependent and tolerated bad behavior for way too long. He wasn't a bad father before but he is much better now. I have a great therapist that originally saw both of us. She mostly sees me know. I know we are very lucky to have good therapist. They communicate from time to time to get a pulse.

I am so appreciative of all the comments and advice. It's good to know that you aren't alone. I am mostly thankfully for my husband who is working so hard to become whole, but it doesn't keep me from being terrified of what he is capable of...


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#370432 - 09/18/11 11:45 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Absolutely this is for adults. And good luck with your journey eldee can I ask how long you have been at this? I am not going anywhere but keeping it together and keeping my kids shielded from his flash back attacks is getting hard. The day after therapy he is a mess. When he talks he doesn't make sense, but usually in that non sense there is sense, if that makes any sense?

I know more than I wish to know but my husband feels better after he has shared... I feel worse but he feels better. In a way I do feel like I am helping him carry his burden.


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#370433 - 09/18/11 11:47 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Thank you for sharing the other side--the family that is around the survivor. It is easy to loose perspective with the flashbacks and hurt. Good luck and you are definitely wonderful women.


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#370447 - 09/18/11 02:47 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Gretta, I haven't been at this long at all. Everything came to a head when he confessed to cheating with four different women on May 22, 2011. I've known about the abuse since 2007 but he told me he was abused and wouldn't discuss it any further. He also promptly dropped out of the therapy for porn addiction--which ultimately led to the disclosure to the therapist of the abuse --the first person he EVER told. When he told me in 2007, I had just had our third child. I was overwhelmed with that and he made it seem like no big deal, for him the porn was the real issue. I told him then I didn't think that to be the case, but I didn't follow my normal MO of researching the crap out of whatever issue is presented. I feel like kicking myself looking back on it. If I had found out even half of what I've learned on this site since the end of May, I'd have made the exact same demand I made this time, last time--get help or I'm out of here.

Like your husband, my husband is a mess after therapy sessions. I'll take that any day over secrets, pretending and lies. I, too am angry at his perpetrators, but I'm pretty pissed at the hubby too for the cheating. I get it. I understand he didn't/doesn't feel like he can share his torment with me and in turn he acts out. But I can honestly say that finding out about his abuse didn't change how I see him one iota. Even finding out the meager but gruesome details I do know of what transpired with his primary abuser hasn't changed how I see him. I find his porn habits repellent, but it hasn't changed how I see him.

What has changed how I see him, and this frustrates him to no end and I understand completely why, is the cheating. His point, which I understand intellectually, is that it all stems from the abuse. So his abuser used porn throughout the abuse. Why do I not have a problem empathizing with the porn addiction, but not the cheating. The only thing I can come up with is that sleeping around has endangered me. I got tested for everything I could and came up clean (for now). Every time we have sex, I think about him with those other women. Every. Single. Time. He ruined what he knew was precious for me, even if it didn't mean the same to him.
My prayers are answered slowly but answered. God has softened my heart towards my husband so that I could stay. I prayed for the anger to go away and while it flares up, it isn't the homicidal rage that ravaged my stomach for weeks on ends.
I pray for my husband daily, but I work on me. His work is his work. I have an obligation to create an environment conducive to healing and I've fallen short a couple of times on that, but I'm human and I'm working my butt off every day to fulfill that requirement I made for myself.

It's painful, but if God allows me an upfront seat to see this man actually become what he appears to be to everyone in our community, that will be the biggest hallelujah gift EVER.

I appreciate that he is willing to work on it. If I left, he'd have another wife in no time, and he had a good run with me--took me 9 years to find out all this stuff, he could do it again with the new wife. But he said he wants me. He said he wants our children. He said he wants our family. And given what a sucky road this is for him, I'm choosing to believe him. If he keeps working, I'll keep working.

I cry almost every day. Right now, it's down to minutes. I hope it will dwindle to seconds and eventually it will evaporate before a tear even hits my face. The pain still feels like a kick in the gut, but now it's only once a day, maybe it will be once a week, once a month, once a year, once every two years, and so on.
The thing I have been focusing on is one day at a time. I try to do my best, one day at a time. It's all we get anyway.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370454 - 09/18/11 03:36 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Our stories are very similar I had our third child in 2007 too. His father died the following yr. The cheating bothers me less today than it did before. When I suspected he was cheating, I had it in my mind that he was having some major love affair. He was paying for it! When I think of the money the spent on sex, I want to cry.

I have always felt like he was my soul mate. After many years of marriage and three kids later I knew for sure that we had grown apart. I thought it was probably pretty typical. Busy with life, kids, work. But he always had a dark side when he drank, not often but sometimes verbally and rarely but sometimes physically abusive.

I will no longer tolerate the drinking and I agreed the secrets are the worse. And honestly he would love to sit and talk about the cheating,it easier than the abuse. We can only deal with one issue at a time so that has taken a back burner.

Will I ever trust him again? I can only take one day at a time. We both have a strong faith and very supportive clergy. As long as he is committed to getting better I am here. But if he regressed can I handle that. I am not sure. Our sex life is a mess, somehow the abuse and prostitutes seem to creep in both our heads. We are Learning to be close without sex.


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#370470 - 09/18/11 06:14 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Reading the last couple posts on here made me sick at my stomach. I removed the rest of my post just because I am trying not to be too angry or post more details than I should.



Edited by hopeandtry (09/18/11 07:09 PM)

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#370479 - 09/18/11 08:53 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Hope I am so sorry. I read your previous posts and realize you are going through a terrible break up. I've had a broken heart and it sucks! I am not sure where this is going for me but I may very well be right where you are now. Stay strong and take care of yourself.


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#370483 - 09/18/11 09:13 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Gretta. Tonight just sucks.



Edited by hopeandtry (09/18/11 10:09 PM)

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#370488 - 09/18/11 10:16 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
As hard as it is you need to respect his wishes and know in your heart that you have done everything you could. You need to work on making yourself happy. He knows where to find you if he needs you and this back and forth is not healthy for you. I am sure a survivor could give you better advice but these are my thoughts.


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#370705 - 09/21/11 11:17 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
Melz Offline


Registered: 09/21/11
Posts: 4
Loc: BC
Hi Robbie,
What about with a parent? Is this something I should push for...would it help my son or hurt him? He has a therapist...he disclosed it to her last week. He did not tell us cause he thought we would be furious with him. Should I leave it and let him decide what to tell when? I know as a urvivor it helped me to tell but like you I stopped telling my husband details a long time ago.
Melz


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#370707 - 09/21/11 11:27 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Melz]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Melz,
I am confused why my husband shouldn't tell me details? Who else is he going to tell. I don't love him less, actually more. I definitely understand him more. I am sad and trying to process but that is all natural.

I am new to all this so hopefully this isn't a terribly stupid question.

Gretta


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#370709 - 09/21/11 11:35 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
Melz Offline


Registered: 09/21/11
Posts: 4
Loc: BC
Hello Gretta,

it may be different when it is the husband is the survivor..I am not sure. But for us...every time I told my husband something it was like he was being abused. I don't mean the generalites but the details. He took it personally and ended up having to deal with the abuse himself...kind of like a secondary abuse victim. It also changed our relationship instead of my husband he became the caregiver, therapist, counselor and in same ways parent. We were not equal and our relationship suffered. I came to resent his 'constant intrusion' and 'caretaking' and felt like I had no where to be me the woman not me the sexual abuse survivor. We needed to make that separation so that our relationship and love could survive.

I hope this makes sense!

Melz


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#370722 - 09/22/11 01:39 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I know this will be an unpopular response but my fear is that he acts out and that you have children. When I reported Adam to a court mandated reporter though the statute of limitations had expired, there is a case record on him. And people with no boundaries, have that, no boundaries, so that is my concern. Your children. While some of men on here have acted out, you will find most have not. They have just lived in their own personal hells. It is the ones that act out that concern me. Also, I am with Robbie on this one. You do not need or want in your subconscious everything that happened to him. I went to Adam's initial therapy just to establish how I found out and my concerns. After that, I did not go unless the therapist requested it because really it was in my case enough just to the basics to send me to the doctor to pop valium for several weeks. The family started wanting to talk about it and I was like NO. He has one brother who went to college to become a librarian (sp) and has a permanently revoked real estate license who I have spoke of before who is a partical jerk (sp) and as the oldest brother felt it was his place to tell me everything and how I should deal with it and though I am half his size, I literally got in his face (mind you he is also 21 years older) and said IN HIS FACE "LOOK LIBRARIAN BOY WITH THE REVOKED REAL ESTATE LICENSE, WHEN YOU GET YOUR MFCC SPECIALIZING IN SEXUAL ABUSE GIVE ME A CALL. UNTIL THEN, SHUT THE HELL UP!!! WE HAVE A THERAPIST!!" and I walked out of his house. Really seriously, think of your children and let the professionals take care of what the professionals need to take care of. Really truly and I say this thinking of you, there are things you do not need to have the images of stuck in your mind that the therapist needs to help him process.


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#370749 - 09/22/11 08:56 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Melz]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Melz

Wow there is more truth to that then you know! I am so depressed right now knowing everything that was done to him, the fact that his childhood was robbed from him. I am hoping he can get a support group and maybe share with them but I am his best friend and safe place. I don't want that to change. It's taken his little boy a long time to trust me.

I think he wants a break from this too and if I am constantly depressed, sad and crying the poor guy doesn't get a break. He's only recently shared some horrific memories so I am still processing.


Thanks for taking the time to explain.


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#370760 - 09/22/11 11:42 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: katie1205]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My husband has given me full access to his therapist and he and I have spoken and he does not feel that my children are in danger. My instinct was they were safe...just nice to have it confirmed. My husbands acting out was drinking, porn and prostitutes. He is working so hard to be healthy I can't tell you how proud I am of him. I know it's a long road and can't say I signed up for this but he didn't either. His father signed us up.

My husband is very lucky to have some incredible people who love him and are looking after him. He is very close to his pastor who has some experience with his and that is also helping him get through. I am feeling slightly optimistic today and I haven't felt that is some time.


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#370762 - 09/22/11 11:54 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
He is lucky to have you by his side.


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#370802 - 09/23/11 03:01 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Gretta

Its only with support that we get through this. We all have good and bad days.

On good days, enjoy and relax, take time to just love him.

On bad days, don't take it personaly, and take time to do something special for yourself.

Strength
Pie


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