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#370433 - 09/18/11 11:47 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
Thank you for sharing the other side--the family that is around the survivor. It is easy to loose perspective with the flashbacks and hurt. Good luck and you are definitely wonderful women.


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#370447 - 09/18/11 02:47 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Gretta, I haven't been at this long at all. Everything came to a head when he confessed to cheating with four different women on May 22, 2011. I've known about the abuse since 2007 but he told me he was abused and wouldn't discuss it any further. He also promptly dropped out of the therapy for porn addiction--which ultimately led to the disclosure to the therapist of the abuse --the first person he EVER told. When he told me in 2007, I had just had our third child. I was overwhelmed with that and he made it seem like no big deal, for him the porn was the real issue. I told him then I didn't think that to be the case, but I didn't follow my normal MO of researching the crap out of whatever issue is presented. I feel like kicking myself looking back on it. If I had found out even half of what I've learned on this site since the end of May, I'd have made the exact same demand I made this time, last time--get help or I'm out of here.

Like your husband, my husband is a mess after therapy sessions. I'll take that any day over secrets, pretending and lies. I, too am angry at his perpetrators, but I'm pretty pissed at the hubby too for the cheating. I get it. I understand he didn't/doesn't feel like he can share his torment with me and in turn he acts out. But I can honestly say that finding out about his abuse didn't change how I see him one iota. Even finding out the meager but gruesome details I do know of what transpired with his primary abuser hasn't changed how I see him. I find his porn habits repellent, but it hasn't changed how I see him.

What has changed how I see him, and this frustrates him to no end and I understand completely why, is the cheating. His point, which I understand intellectually, is that it all stems from the abuse. So his abuser used porn throughout the abuse. Why do I not have a problem empathizing with the porn addiction, but not the cheating. The only thing I can come up with is that sleeping around has endangered me. I got tested for everything I could and came up clean (for now). Every time we have sex, I think about him with those other women. Every. Single. Time. He ruined what he knew was precious for me, even if it didn't mean the same to him.
My prayers are answered slowly but answered. God has softened my heart towards my husband so that I could stay. I prayed for the anger to go away and while it flares up, it isn't the homicidal rage that ravaged my stomach for weeks on ends.
I pray for my husband daily, but I work on me. His work is his work. I have an obligation to create an environment conducive to healing and I've fallen short a couple of times on that, but I'm human and I'm working my butt off every day to fulfill that requirement I made for myself.

It's painful, but if God allows me an upfront seat to see this man actually become what he appears to be to everyone in our community, that will be the biggest hallelujah gift EVER.

I appreciate that he is willing to work on it. If I left, he'd have another wife in no time, and he had a good run with me--took me 9 years to find out all this stuff, he could do it again with the new wife. But he said he wants me. He said he wants our children. He said he wants our family. And given what a sucky road this is for him, I'm choosing to believe him. If he keeps working, I'll keep working.

I cry almost every day. Right now, it's down to minutes. I hope it will dwindle to seconds and eventually it will evaporate before a tear even hits my face. The pain still feels like a kick in the gut, but now it's only once a day, maybe it will be once a week, once a month, once a year, once every two years, and so on.
The thing I have been focusing on is one day at a time. I try to do my best, one day at a time. It's all we get anyway.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370454 - 09/18/11 03:36 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Our stories are very similar I had our third child in 2007 too. His father died the following yr. The cheating bothers me less today than it did before. When I suspected he was cheating, I had it in my mind that he was having some major love affair. He was paying for it! When I think of the money the spent on sex, I want to cry.

I have always felt like he was my soul mate. After many years of marriage and three kids later I knew for sure that we had grown apart. I thought it was probably pretty typical. Busy with life, kids, work. But he always had a dark side when he drank, not often but sometimes verbally and rarely but sometimes physically abusive.

I will no longer tolerate the drinking and I agreed the secrets are the worse. And honestly he would love to sit and talk about the cheating,it easier than the abuse. We can only deal with one issue at a time so that has taken a back burner.

Will I ever trust him again? I can only take one day at a time. We both have a strong faith and very supportive clergy. As long as he is committed to getting better I am here. But if he regressed can I handle that. I am not sure. Our sex life is a mess, somehow the abuse and prostitutes seem to creep in both our heads. We are Learning to be close without sex.


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#370470 - 09/18/11 06:14 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Reading the last couple posts on here made me sick at my stomach. I removed the rest of my post just because I am trying not to be too angry or post more details than I should.



Edited by hopeandtry (09/18/11 07:09 PM)

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#370479 - 09/18/11 08:53 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Hope I am so sorry. I read your previous posts and realize you are going through a terrible break up. I've had a broken heart and it sucks! I am not sure where this is going for me but I may very well be right where you are now. Stay strong and take care of yourself.


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#370483 - 09/18/11 09:13 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Gretta. Tonight just sucks.



Edited by hopeandtry (09/18/11 10:09 PM)

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#370488 - 09/18/11 10:16 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
As hard as it is you need to respect his wishes and know in your heart that you have done everything you could. You need to work on making yourself happy. He knows where to find you if he needs you and this back and forth is not healthy for you. I am sure a survivor could give you better advice but these are my thoughts.


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#370705 - 09/21/11 11:17 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
Melz Offline


Registered: 09/21/11
Posts: 4
Loc: BC
Hi Robbie,
What about with a parent? Is this something I should push for...would it help my son or hurt him? He has a therapist...he disclosed it to her last week. He did not tell us cause he thought we would be furious with him. Should I leave it and let him decide what to tell when? I know as a urvivor it helped me to tell but like you I stopped telling my husband details a long time ago.
Melz


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#370707 - 09/21/11 11:27 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Melz]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Melz,
I am confused why my husband shouldn't tell me details? Who else is he going to tell. I don't love him less, actually more. I definitely understand him more. I am sad and trying to process but that is all natural.

I am new to all this so hopefully this isn't a terribly stupid question.

Gretta


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#370709 - 09/21/11 11:35 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
Melz Offline


Registered: 09/21/11
Posts: 4
Loc: BC
Hello Gretta,

it may be different when it is the husband is the survivor..I am not sure. But for us...every time I told my husband something it was like he was being abused. I don't mean the generalites but the details. He took it personally and ended up having to deal with the abuse himself...kind of like a secondary abuse victim. It also changed our relationship instead of my husband he became the caregiver, therapist, counselor and in same ways parent. We were not equal and our relationship suffered. I came to resent his 'constant intrusion' and 'caretaking' and felt like I had no where to be me the woman not me the sexual abuse survivor. We needed to make that separation so that our relationship and love could survive.

I hope this makes sense!

Melz


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