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#370408 - 09/18/11 12:54 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Yes I am. My husband has given me full access and permission to talk to his therapist and I plan on going to his next session to discuss our children. But given the circumstances I think it's pretty normal to be concerned. I do know that most victims do not go out and abuse. I think I read that on this web site. I feel bad because the victim is once again victimized with this stigma.

But my husband is a fantastic liar and has been for a long time so it hard to trust what he says.


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#370421 - 09/18/11 08:17 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
Gretta I hope you are getting therapy. I am a survivor and unfortunately my wife has the children in the middle of what is happening. Like your husband I pushed it down and down. It came back and took over who I was. I lost time and did not and still do no know everything that happened. My wife had the children spying on me, going through papers, computer, cell phone. They found stuff which they splashed all over to the rest of my children and her family. She did not ask or want to understand, part of me was self abusing, looking for men to re perform the acts the priest had done to me as a child. They say I am gay, if I was that would be ok, but I only want to be in a loving relationship with a woman. The new pains from being spit on, living in fear as doors were kicked in, ganging up on me and screaming in my face, throwing things at me, locking me in the office and having to climb out the window for freedom by my family was too much. My other side took over and I left. So please make sure you are getting help and do not share too much anger and pain with the children, they do need a father and bringing them into the mess may be too much for them. It will not only destroy the marriage but the child. But your and the children's safety is paramount. I commend you on your support of your husband. I wish you well as well as the children and your husband.


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#370422 - 09/18/11 09:04 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Gretta, im sorry to say I, too, know how you feel. Fear of the future, anger at betrayal (that by people close to my boy husband who raped him and didn't protect him) and deep distrust of the man I committed to for life who is the best liar I've ever seen. I don't trust myself to spot signs, of affairs or anything else. Details are an awful thing to know. It had made me borderline paranoid about everyone who has contact w my children. EVERYONE. I know disturbing things About my husband but very few. It is the cesspool drew of stuff in my mind that I've learned from obsessively researching CSA in an attempt to help my husband and myself get through this awful crisis. I thought women were less likely to abuse so until a few months ago, I felt safe when they were w women. No longer. Cousins? Forget about it. Siblings? Nope. My husband wanted to be immune from my scrutiny. Nope. Can't do it. We had a massive fight. I would not stay if I thought for one second he was abusing our kids, but I don't know. I don't know anything anymore about anyone. After he cooled off he said he wished his parents were as vigilant but they didn't KnoW to be suspicious of a step brother. I wouldnt have known 4 months ago when my journey began.

Your pain is real and justified. You have been betrayed. The reason explains why but does not take away the pain. I don't know, so survivors please correct menif I'm speaking out of turn, dbut it seems like someone telling him, "well your abuser was probably abused." explains it, but it's still wrong and traumatic. If that made everything ok, we wouldn't be spending thousands of dollars on therapy would we?

So research, grieve, cry, love and support. I try to keep my kids out of it though they have caught me crying. This is the domain of adults.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370423 - 09/18/11 09:17 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I know the pain is real and it does not go away. To feel betrayed is horrific. I know the feeling because I feel betrayed by my abuser, the one who I was to revere, a priest with the word of God. Dutifully I complied. Why the shame and blame. So I know my wife feels betrayed by my actions. Actions I still do not understand--why would I do. Betrayal is an awful thing. I am sorry for it, but I have my therapy is helping me--I am feeling better about myself and the child in me seems to be less angry. Seek help, my wife is going to psychiatrist who does not believe anyone dissociates or experience loss of self worth from the abuse. It is a convenient excuse she said the doctor said. But now it is for me to heal and hopefully those around me will heal. I agree these events are the domain of adults- Best wishes on healing and I do hope the pain does subside for everyone.


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#370424 - 09/18/11 09:29 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Tell your wife to switch therapists! I did.'they are not created equal. I sought a therapist to walk me through the healthiest way to leave. Aftr 3 sessions, I knew she wasn't equipped to deal with the intricacies of CSA. I found a therapist who specializes in CSA so that she could synthisize his abuse issues with what I am going through. It's beneficial and much more helpful. I'm staying in my marriage as long as my husband is seeking well ess through treatment. A good therapist illuminates things for us non CSA folk. Last week, I was recounting some somewhat minor issue and she interrupted me to explain the way CSA interrupts the normal process. What I am expecting, is not gonna happen at this point. What I expect is normal, but his development is not. That kind of knowledge changes how I interact w my husband for the better. It's worth the search.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370425 - 09/18/11 09:32 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
Thank you and I will encourage her to change. I have tried, but your words may help. Thanks again.


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#370426 - 09/18/11 09:38 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Also, many therapists will allow you to "interview" them on the phone. You can ask what is their experience w CSA, disassociation, etc. Those questions can give you an inkling of their perspective. I hate I wasted $300 on the first one but Immglad I realized she was not capable of meeting my needs and leaving before taking any of her advice. I can see where a bad therapist can do a lot of damage to an already fragile situation.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#370427 - 09/18/11 10:16 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: eldee
... You have been betrayed. The reason explains why but does not take away the pain. I don't know, so survivors please correct menif I'm speaking out of turn, dbut it seems like someone telling him, "well your abuser was probably abused."


[please read in as only my explaination of condition...not as a fight. I wrote this in a calm voice, but sometimes such things can be read as combative]

Many of us emerge with horrid secrets about what happened to us. We, like most people, do the best we can with what we have been dealt. CSA imposes a rather huge list or exceptional challenges. We know that the public and individuals have wrong pre-conceived notions about us, by the nature of the abuse. For example; if I tell my spouse I was in a car accident as a kid and fear ANY travel on the highway, that proclamation is met with complete understanding. However, tell my spouse that older boys used me like a warm pot-roast every time they got horny and that I hated my self then, and that it evolved into a love-relationship after 5 years and that I have generated a few extra personalities along the way, and that I never told anyone, and that my body physically responded, and that my first orgasm was from one of those guys doing ‘that,’ and that we hear the public scorn us for all the myths and that we heard you and your parents have myth-based opinions about CSA and survivors….

We wanted a shot at life. We were kept out of life during childhood. Much of our early adulthood may have been spent dusting ourselves off and standing-up from the worst beating possible short of murder.

We wanted a shot at life. We thought that’s what men do: Dust yourself-off and get on with life.
What’s the alternative? Maybe we ought to sandal-shuffle through the city streets seeking the next meth rock? Maybe we ought to be left out of life.

I chose not to be left out of life, but I was eventually kicked out and covered with sticky-notes warning of myths…condemning with lies.

Were my abusers probably abused? No. tHey were undisciplied jocks whom had a sence of entitlement insalled in them by overly zeallous sporting programs and virtually no parental supervision. They also had ample access to porn that they practically used as 'how-to' manual. (they were 12 when it began)


_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#370430 - 09/18/11 11:32 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: KMCINVA]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I am not angry at my husband I am angry at the non abusive adults that missed the signs. I am FURIOUS at my animal of a father in law. I hope he rots in hell. My husband is from a large family with much extended family. My husband had hemorrhoids! He had several issues with his testicles that his mom took him to the drs for...no one caught it?

My children know little to nothing. I am sure my oldest senses something since I have been drilling him about inappropriate touching. Actually since my husband got caught he is home more and more engaged with our family. He originally stopped drinking, Fathers day he was a mess. I fully realize that I am a co dependent and tolerated bad behavior for way too long. He wasn't a bad father before but he is much better now. I have a great therapist that originally saw both of us. She mostly sees me know. I know we are very lucky to have good therapist. They communicate from time to time to get a pulse.

I am so appreciative of all the comments and advice. It's good to know that you aren't alone. I am mostly thankfully for my husband who is working so hard to become whole, but it doesn't keep me from being terrified of what he is capable of...


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#370432 - 09/18/11 11:45 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Absolutely this is for adults. And good luck with your journey eldee can I ask how long you have been at this? I am not going anywhere but keeping it together and keeping my kids shielded from his flash back attacks is getting hard. The day after therapy he is a mess. When he talks he doesn't make sense, but usually in that non sense there is sense, if that makes any sense?

I know more than I wish to know but my husband feels better after he has shared... I feel worse but he feels better. In a way I do feel like I am helping him carry his burden.


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