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#370394 - 09/17/11 11:10 PM I can't believe I am here
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Early this year I discovered that my husband was cheating on me. Once I was able to collect enough information I confronted him. In the process it was much worse than I had suspected. He had been visiting prostitutes for many years. He was looking for random sex partners on the Internet, and as well as spending countless hours watching porn and masturbating.

I can't believe it. We have since discovered that he was sexually abused by both his grandfather and father (age 4-12). This abused spiraled into him being the sex toy of the neighborhood. He shakes and breaks out in old sweats when reliving these memories. Many of his memories are very violent. Each recovered memory is worse than the last. I love him and my heart is breaking. We have three children and keeping my family together is important to me.

I just don't understand how his abuse went undetected and why he went back to many of his abusers. They hurt him. This journey is so daunting.


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#370395 - 09/17/11 11:41 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Gretta]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
Gretta,

First, I hope you don't mind a survivor's reply to your questions and issues. Second, I'm very sorry you and your family have to go through this.

You are asking questions surrounding some of the very most fundamental factors of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). Given this, I urge you to put all reactions and decisions on hold until you recv ample knowledge about it.

Your post is chaulk-full of common issues, all of which can be fully explained and addressed through reading here and in the books in our bookstore (accessable through the front page).

two aspects I would urge you to tread carefully (avoid verbalizing) are these:
Quote:
I just don't understand how his abuse went undetected and why he went back to many of his abusers.


1) Some of the people who were tasked with detecting his abuse were his abusers. Please don't blame the little boy for complying with the adults in his life. They began 'normalizing' CSA into his life from the beginning of very formative years.

2) Why he went back: Again, he was trained, rasied and normalized into this. For someone SO young, it became a lot like learning his first language. He was given and trained into a roll in life. He truly knew nothing else. It WAS and maybe still IS his ROLE in life (in his own mind).

Yes, this is a daunting journey. Yes he went through hell and back a million times. And you; You are being drawn into this world no matter how much you object. We were ALL drawn into it regardless of our objections.

I posted videos on my blog that depict horror and issolation. Watch them if you need a view to this hell. Else, I suggest you get to ordering books tonight.

The support and expert material here at MS is vast. Good reading until books arive.

Some will say 'getting a good therepist is paramount.' I dissagree. You need to get a good fundamental understanding of CSA before either of you can choose a 'good therepist.' Therepists that are 'lesser' can be devastating to individuals and families. Been there, done that.

Welcome to the site...very very sorry you need to be here.

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#370397 - 09/17/11 11:59 PM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Hang in there, girl. There is a lot of support here. I am sorry you are going through this, and I am sorry for your husband for what he's been through. Try to remember to take care of YOU and your kids, too. Keep reading and learn what you can about CSA. PM me anytime.


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#370398 - 09/17/11 11:59 PM . [Re: Still]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370400 - 09/18/11 12:18 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks for your responses. We are both in therapy and my heart breaks for the little boy inside my husband. I am lucky that he trusts me enough to tell me what has happened, but it's hard. I am not even sure I am getting everything.

I am so angry at his mother for missing this and not protecting her beautiful little boy. I will check out the reading material. His father and grandfather are dead and he told his family. His mothers response was good. She believed him and is offering as much support as possible. He has one sibling that is in denial but she may have been abused as well.

Thanks for listening.


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#370401 - 09/18/11 12:20 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: lady123
Robbie, I have a follow up question regarding therapy. I don't even know if this is true, but I imagine that telling others the details of abuse is a necessary part of healing. For a person talking about it for the first time, or recovering new memories (as is Gretta's husband) - what is the best venue for telling those stories?


Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT share details with your spouse. I'll say that again: DO NOT share details with your spouse. It can cause trauma by proxy at a minimum. It can lead to huge problems in any 'understanding.' Proper venue would be with a GOOD therepist (T) who really knows what he's doings. Church staff, even doctors, family members...none need to hears details.

"Details" are one of those hells we have to endure as a child. Things that cannot even be spoken of in adulthood, have to be carried and kept silent as a child. It IS PURE HELL. I cannot even share the horrors with my T yet. Can't share something with an adult, that I, as a boy, experienced and then covered-up. Great stuff!!! HUH? Yeah.....I can't even allow my mind to drift toward the details without body spasms and triggering flashback tapes that can kill.

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#370403 - 09/18/11 12:35 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: Still]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My husband does not seem to have a ton of control when he has his flashbacks. I think he pushes them down until they just can not stay down anymore. I catch him at night in cold sweat, crying. I just hold him and tell him I love him. They seem to be getting worse and worse. Robbie, His experience seems much like yours. Thanks to his father's abuse he became routinely abused by older neighborhood boys. Brutally raped and humiliated.

Does anyone recommend treatment facilities. He seems to feel better once he shares his experience but it's never long before I can tell the memories slowly start to drag him under.

I love him so much, but I wonder has he told me everything about the infidelity? Besides the countless prostitutes who else has he slept with? Has he ever been with another man and has he ever thought of doing this to another child, my children. I asked them in a round about way but we all know how difficult it is to break that silence.


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#370405 - 09/18/11 12:37 AM . [Re: Still]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370406 - 09/18/11 12:44 AM Re: I can't believe I am here [Re: lady123]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks Lady, one day at a time. We have a life that needs to keep moving. So we try to walk and function in between the land mines.


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#370407 - 09/18/11 12:46 AM . [Re: lady123]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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