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#368883 - 08/25/11 04:33 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Quote:
Hope all is going well, or at least better.



All is well, thank you.


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#368884 - 08/25/11 04:35 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
SB

Glad to hear that, Stay strong girl and don't let it get YOU down.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368886 - 08/25/11 04:48 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Thanks, That was a while ago now- well 2008 but it seems a world ago.

I think if he had been able to get proper help initially that it wouldn't have worked out as it did.


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#369762 - 09/08/11 01:04 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi all

Just bringing this one forward as I would like more replies to help me in group, It helps with a theory I have, and use as an example for families of survivors.

I appreciate all the answers posted so far but would like a wider study.
Thanks all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#369768 - 09/08/11 02:36 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

He disclosed shortly after one of his "episodes". I had no idea what was happening at the time.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

Not prior to that first episode. But after educating myself on CSA, yes, all of his behaviors and acting out made sense.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

No. And after attempting about a year or so later and never returning, things just weren't going to work out.


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#370251 - 09/16/11 04:11 AM . [Re: whome]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370392 - 09/17/11 10:49 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
1. He was in therapy for his sex addiction. Slowly his abuse leaked out. His memories are leaking out still. They just keep getting worse. I wonder how much he can take, how much I can take.
2. No I didn't suspect he was abused. We have been together for 15 years and I recently caught him cheating, but never thought he was abused.
3. Has been very open to therapy. I am amazed at how hard he is working.


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#370417 - 09/18/11 03:22 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
No_intimacy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Mesa, AZ
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
After being together for about 10 years, he told me suddenly and without planning to. We were having THE fight - that same repeated fight we would have once each year: Our son was about 5 years old and he was pushing me to have another child. I wanted a commitment, marriage, an emotional connection, progress in the relationship, SOMETHING before putting myself into a more vulnerable situation. He was responding in the same way he always had before; a volcano exploding, bullying, rageful with no chance of resolution. Finally, he spit it out as an explanation for his inability to commit. In other words, he felt the CSA made him too damaged for marriage. He was as surprised at the disclosure as I was at hearing it. He then instantly regretted telling me, went to bed and buried his head muttering that I'd never be able to look at him the same again. This of course was not the case. I've been though hell and back to stay with this man.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes. Almost from the very beginning of dating him something seemed off. At times I'd get a gay or bisexual vibe from him although he is a VERY manly man. Also, an intimate rapport never developed, although I would tell myself that it would in time. Although we did marry after child number two and we've been together for more than 23 years, that intimate rapport has never developed.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope. Another 13 years have past since he disclosed the CSA to me and he still has not embraced recovery. He has not told anyone else and does not discuss it with me. I goaded him to come with me to my therapist for a few sessions upon discovering an emotional affair and a methamphetamine addiction in 2005, but to no avail. My husband also postpones beginning any recovery work until after finishing this or that project, having more stable finances, etc. The co-occurring mental illnesses of CPSTD/Addiction make taking that first step toward recovery even more fearful.

_________________________
_Mj

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#370563 - 09/20/11 11:32 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
Adam did not tell me until his brother told me how Adam had gone on to abuse his niece. His brother was drunk and doing that kind of random thought association thing and just dropped it in the middle of nowhere and continued to the next thought. I asked Adam later what it meant. He flew into a rage and called his brother a liar. I called his other brother who is the father of the niece who reluctantly told me. I called Adam home early from work and said it was an emergency. He immediately piped in with he did it because he was abused. He remembers none of his abuse. A shrink put it in his head. Said he acted like an abuse victim. Anytime, he was confronted with what he did to his niece, he excused it with that he was abused. As an abuse victim myself, I have blocked a good portion of what happened to me but I can tell you who and the jist (sp) of it. He remembers nothing. It supposedly happened when he was 2. His mother was a stay at home mom. It would have had to have been one of his brothers or his mother. I am not saying it's impossible but highly unlikely. His up until currently shrink said it was bad form that the other shrink would even suggest such a thing. Putting it in his head like that. But Adam flew into a full on rage and never wanted me to speak to his family again, etc. etc. I found out from the brother who told me that Adam was a sociopath. I did not say anything. I just listened and he told me about his life and accomplishments and they were all things that Adam had taken credit for and blended into his persona.

I can tell you as far as when I disclose my own personal sexual abuse. I have certain things I do not let people do to me. So if I get to that level with a person, I do disclose that I have been abused and there are certain ground rules. No going near the butt (I will not get more graphic than that), no tying me up or gagging me, no like slapping around or talking dirty type foreplay (calling me a whore or anything like that), and no having sex with anyone under the influence. I set those ground rules with anybody I sleep with. No pornography. No means no. Stop means stop. I know I am a woman so it's different but I thought you still might find it interesting


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#370595 - 09/20/11 08:17 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
anniec56 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 3
1. My husband of 34 years wrote me a letter after a frightful arguement about religion.

2, Something was wrong, lots of anger, yelling bible qoutes at me, but I never suspected abuse,a very quiet gentle man

3, No, I bought him Victims no Longer, he never told me if he read it or not, and I immediately went into therapy.

It is sad because he is a good man,loving husband and if he talked to someone professionally it would only open up the door and allow him to get rid of the demons that are buried inside of him, by telling me I know it helped but he needs more that just me listening to his story.


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