Comments please. Yesterday I took my daughters car to the shop for service. 2-3 hour wait. Turns out it is two blocks from one of my old stomping grounds when I felt the need to try to control a man's attention,affection,love, like? Anyway I thought of staying away. Then I thought let's see if it's still the same. I spent many lunch hours tricking at this park in hopes that this time I'd get it right. I would control HIM! Then I would go back to work for 4 hours, go home and live my Ozzie and Harriet life, homework with kids, bathing, story and bed, then make love to my wife like nothing happened. Meanwhile just hours ago I find myself in some form of undress with one two or three people like a madman and laughing while they think they got what they wanted. And I feel like I got what I wanted. Until I get off. Then it's like what the f did I just do??? Anyway, I went hoping to not meet someone all the while NEEDING to meet someone. It had been a long time. The park looked run down. Memories flooded back about some of the insanity I participated in, in a public park, where I could have been caught by passers by or worse police. Lose my job, my wife my kids. Long story short. Met no one. Part of me relieved, part of me disappointed. Someone once said that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Guess that makes me certifiable. Anyone feel this way. Any feedback pos or neg appreciated. I am so conflicted right now.. Help me guys

Dexter,
Not sure I understand the idea of “getting it right” and “controlling HIM,” but I know something about furtive sexual activity in public places, the high that it brings, the hiding of a part of your life, the feelings afterwards. For me it was compulsive, finding places like public parks, having anonymous, even dangerous, sex. The thrill of it did something for me. Took me out of myself? Made me feel alive? I don’t know, I only know I wasn’t feeling anxious or lonely or numb or any other bad thing when I was intimately involved with a stranger. Afterwards, another story entirely.

If this is an ongoing, addictive thing for you, there’s help out there in the form of therapy and 12 step groups. You can get a handle on it, come to understand what’s going on inside you, and eventually break its grip on you.

If it’s not an addictive, but rather just an occasional thing, it might help if you gave us more information. For example, what you mean by looking to get it right this time, or control the other guy (?).

I think it is an addictive thing. The idea that I had no control as a boy, yet came to know or at least feel that the only way to get attention, or have a male friend like ME, I had to do xyz. If I didn't I was ignored,excluded, and intimidated. In these situations, I feel liked, loved accepted and when they leave they say, boy I wish my wife could do that. That gets a bit confusing. But

Dexter,
I'm reading your post thinking this guy is my identical twin brother and we were separated at birth. Whatever other ways we're different from each other, in this we're identical. For years the only way I knew to get attention was offering myself for sex. Maybe I didn't believe I deserved any other kind of attention, or wasn't capable of taking it in on the rare occasions it came my way. But sex always worked for me, always made me feel loved, wanted, good for something. But I was hiding this part of myself from others, lying to people, etc. It's a wretched way to live.

SAA (Sexual Addicts Anonymous) is a great way to get help from addiction. There's probably a group somewhere near you. Patrick Carnes book "Out of the Shadows" outlines how sexual addiction works and includes lots of examples of other guys in the same shoes as you and me.

Good luck, Dexter. PM me anytime.

Sorry wife came in. Anyway, for that short period I feel that I am in control. And ,sick I know, when they tell me how great it was I guess that's what it feels like to get a touch down. They like me they really like me. But never did sports to feel that accomplishment. Felt the need to do the whole team to be accepted. But then going to my married with children life, the guilt is overwhelming. Get/got suicidal a lot. My cousin taught me well that the only way to get his attention started with sex. Thanks for the reply.

I get that, the control thing. Sick? I can see why you'd want to characterize it that way, but what I'm seeing is a guy who learned from past abuse one way to get attention (which everybody needs) and recognition and affirmation. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself for falling into that. It makes perfect sense. On the other hand, I also think you owe it to those who love you to be honest and clean with them. A dilemma, for sure.

Again, SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and/or therapy can help you get a handle on this. Anyway, i'm thinking about you, Dexter (my secret twin). Would love to get an update on how you're doing when you get a chance.

Wish I could find a SAA near me, there is none. Things, internally are getting much worse, can't sleep without pills, can't focus, feel like crying and suicidal. Then this Penn State thing happens (i live in NJ and my son in law went there and bleeds blue) . anyway, I have been sliding downhill for a few months and seeing and hearing what this guy did to the boys is making me lose my mind. I can't get my cousin out of my head, flashing back to when he spent the summers with us sleeping in my room. I haven't spoken to him at all in the last 6 months. Afraid to tell him its because of the shit you did to me and what you had me do to you to get you to spend time with me. Every time I close my eyes, I see him rolling over me with a 9" uncut penis in my faceI I literally want to scream. Yes, he only had to tell me over and over how big it was and can you take the whole thing? Oh sure, Im an 8 year old sword swallower. Afraid that if i disclose this, what my wife will say knowing that we have remained in touch all this time. ( though nothing has happened for 30 years) What his 4 kids would say, my aunts, cousins. so confused. If my daughter wasn't pregnant with my 1st grandchild, I would call it quits. Shrinks ask the standard, "do you have a plan?" no you say even though I have at least 4. So confused, so sad. Feeling much pain, guilt and sadness. Sorry to spew, but I've no one to talk to. I haven't been to a shrink in over 10 years. Taking 3 antidepressants, and one for anxiety and obviously not working. what to do, what to do.

Dexter,
I feel your pain. It has been really tought this past week for me. The Penn State events have brought up the feeling that I want to be dominated. After all the years of therapy, I am really not ready for this. I spoke about this in my survivor group and I am trying to work it out. I can relate to the flashbacks you have about your cousin. My uncle did the same thing to me starting at the age of six and it is "burned into my memory". Hang in there, brother. You are on your healing path. It is difficult, but as a grandfather of three boys, I owe my recovery not only to them but also myself.

Dexter, your story is almost the identical to mine. My cousin, public sex, going home to my wife..I was afraid to telling anyone. Slowly I managed to get my words out, first to my family Dr, then a councellor, survivor group and friends made in recovery. It has been a long journey but one I am glad I made. It gets better. This site helps huge...
Move forward my friend, and know you are not alone.

Dexter , my heart cries for you when i read your story that is so common so so many of us( i too am a twin). Even more triggering today was the interview on the radio with the penn state guy( i can literally feel my heart start to race as i write this) as he spoke of how he was innocent. His tone told me, not a chance. We would all hear that tone and know.

When i watched a video of kids in india scrounging for food in a dump in Delhi, i though how horrible they had to do that. But it is all they know and they need to survive its a human directive. Dexter you needed contact and love and caring to survive. I dont know if you got it when you were younger but not likely. So the touch and contact that ALL humans need was unfortunately for you and many of us, of the worst kind. But your young nervous system so undeveloped did not know that. There was an imprint not just on your mind but really mostly on your body. It was not you, you are NOT a bad person, even though sometimes your soul feels so black and dead you cant even muster a scream, it was your body responding. It had to.

Please understand there are things you can do to help and not live in pain. You are not ready to deal with so much, cuz there is just too much conflicting feelings. Its overwhelming. There are a group of therapist who do whats called somatic healing or attachment re-patterning. You are tired of the guilt, shame, not sleeping, images that are both terrifying and to your body arousing. Its part of what happened and your young mind coped any way it could. You're tired of the mood shifts, the panic and rage, the anger that boils up from a place you don't even know.

You long for real intimacy but are deeply afraid to let anyone close. In fact the closer anyone gets the more scary it is. Why can't we feel like everyone else, why cant we break free?

Its partly because our body's response is married to so many conflicting images and emotions. It's not you Dexter it's anyone who has experienced this. You are not a person that wants to end it yet sometimes thats what seems like the only solution. How tragic would that be to the kind soul that will be a wounderful grandparent to a child that will have a hero and protector that you never did.

Having wasted so much time on useless T, i know your frustration. I know that you want to try SAA and truly it helps with harm reduction and that is great but it doesnt help with the underlying cause. You can talk til the cows come home but unless your body re-learns, it's an endless chat.

The work of dianne heller and The Somatic Experiencing group has helped so much in the understanding how we can truly heal from Trauma. This is from the body out, the scared little boys need not be frozen in fear. Thats why its so tough for most T's , they dont know how to really safely untangle this mountain of shit. Experienced S.E. therapists will help you safely discharge some of the over-activation that makes you see red without knowing why.

I know there are other ways to a place of peace, this is one of the most remarkable in that it heals both the body and the sense of self to find a place of core intactness. The cool thing is , it does not take a long time to make huge changes you thought were not possible. When you come from a safer place you will know what to do about your cousin.

http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing-trainings/practitioner-directory.html

Dexter, you are not alone bro, we all read your heartfelt posts and share your experience. You are us as we are you.

Dex,

I am this way. I do not want to be this way, but what you describe is me. I have not acted on this for more than 17 years now. I almost never do. Almost. I wish I could just get rid of the nagging memories that bring this up from time to time.

Thanks for your honesty, I don't feel quite so alone.

My experiences with looking for anonymous sex in parks seem to be more an issue about shame. Shameful about my confused sexuality. Feeling shameful that whatever life I chose (sex with men in parks or at home with my fiance) still made me feel ashamed of myself. Being able to have a sexual encounter that made me feel as shameful as the abuse I had experienced when I was young was what I was looking for (although I didn't know it at the time). Having a normal relationship with a man was shame inducing in itself (ashamed of being gay or bi or whatever), so I couldn't stay in a relationship too long because those feelings felt so awful and overwhelming.

The abuse made me feel shame that my perpetrator *wanted* me to feel so they did not have to carry the guilt for their wrongful and destructive behavior.

But yeah, I would go home to my fiance at the time and living a secret life of lies about cruising parks and adult bookstores. But I noticed when I left the relationship I also noticed I stopped looking for sex in parks and bookstores. I didn't stop having anonymous sex, but I continue to have in a way that wouldn't get me in too much trouble or no trouble if I "got caught". Slowly the acting out stopped all together.

Looking back, yeah, it was about shame and about being able to live a double life in which I thought keeping each side of my life secret from the other could make me happy. The ironic thing when I left both lives I found that neither really made me happy to begin with, however at the time I did think or feel that.

I once met a young man at the park, and we were attracted and did what we did, and after, he asked if i was married. I said i am, you? He was engaged and said that he loved her and didn't know how he was going to handle " this" after he was married. He said that he felt that he was gay. I told him to really think about if he was or wasn't gay, and if he thought that he was, to break it off. Even though it would hurt for a while, it is nothing like the hell i have lived with, Happily married but NEEDING this other part of me to be HERE. I met him again about 2 years later, same place, and he said he had broken it off, and though she was upset, naturally, she eventually saw it was better off knowing. He also said that he was happier because he figured out that he was gay and was just trying to be hetero because he couldn't face being gay. He thanked me, and yes we did it again. He walked away happy, I walked away guilty and more confused than ever. ME GIVING ADVICE? I can't figure out me but I helped him figure out him. I am so fucked up.