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#37025 - 06/04/03 04:13 PM Inducing hope
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Hello

I am new to this forum, and am not sure whether to be glad to be here or not.

I moved to Minneapolis 2 years ago for job and school, and last spring took a 2 month workshop that dealt with male survivor issues. It was the first formal help (other than a couple short therapy stints that basically served as pressure release) that I encountered. After finishing the "course" I felt more "okay" than I had in a decades, but a year later, find myself wondering, wandering, and beginning to feel as if I have been, like the Israelites, circling in the desert for 40 years, sans manna.

I have beat/survived many self defeating behaviors over the past 18 years, but frankly, feel that something is not quite right ; that something of my life does not ring true. It seems that I have spent most of my life attempting to induce it. It is depressing that none of my "fixes" have worked, as if all these years I have been inducing a climate of hope in order to survive. What's next when the faith in the "fixes" falters?

What I hate the most, is having to admit my need for this forum. I don't want to look eternally into the mirrors of all your painful stories and see my own pain and incurable, unsolvable, irretrievable, immutable mystery of ithe "ism" that is my life, screaming back at me. I want to have graduated, dammit!

I can't believe I allowed myself to go there................. but then again, I never realized that anyone would want to listen to what this part of me needed to say. They taught me real, real good..................

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#37026 - 06/04/03 04:33 PM Re: Inducing hope
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I am new to this forum, and am not sure whether to be glad to be here or not.
Ron,

Be glad that you found it, but not that you needed to come looking for it.

Quote:
I have beat/survived many self defeating behaviors over the past 18 years, but frankly, feel that something is not quite right ; that something of my life does not ring true.
I substituted self defeating behaviors, one for the next, in a kind of serial self abuse. It sounds like you managed better than that. Good.

Quote:
What I hate the most, is having to admit my need for this forum. I don't want to look eternally into the mirrors of all your painful stories and see my own pain and incurable, unsolvable, irretrievable, immutable mystery of ithe "ism" that is my life, screaming back at me. I want to have graduated, dammit!
We've talked recently about how nice it would be to have a "magic pill" that does all the work for us. We've also talked about the need to live our own lives as best we can despite the abuse and its effects. I have wondered what the "goal" for me should be, and now I'm wondering if there needs to be a "goal" (as in endpoint or graduation) at all. Maybe just doing the best I can as I go is enough.

Quote:
I can't believe I allowed myself to go there................. but then again, I never realized that anyone would want to listen to what this part of me needed to say. They taught me real, real good..................
I have been amazed at how much we have in common. I read about my life and my story here every time I login; it just happened a little different to someone else.

I'm still "unlearning," recovering from the lies. I have the rest of my life to work on it, and I hope I don't have to work that long. But if I do, well, it beats the alternatives.

Stick around a while. There are a lot of good people here. And occasionally a few good jokes. \:D

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#37027 - 06/04/03 05:15 PM Re: Inducing hope
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Ron,

I know what you mean. I read that it takes 3-5 years to recover. I do not know what that means yet as I have not finished the book ;\) ("Ghosts in the Bedroom" by Ken Graber.)

Lately, I have been observing how much of my life is taken up by this issue. I asked myself what would I fill the time with if it was not this. I do not know, yet.

I want to find out. I hope it will help me move on. I am tired of feeling stuck.

Peace,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#37028 - 06/04/03 06:31 PM Re: Inducing hope
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Hello

I am new to this forum, and am not sure whether to be glad to be here or not.
Hi Ron. We're not glad for why you're here but we're glad you're here for why you're here.

Quote:
...last spring took a 2 month workshop that dealt with male survivor issues...After finishing the "course" I felt more "okay" than I had in a decades, but a year later, find myself wondering, wandering.
Last spring I took a weekend retreat and last January a week long healing workshop for men. They helped yet in doing so brought out a lot of bad memories & pain to grieve and to heal. I also tend to have kind of a letdown after such events.

Quote:
What's next when the faith in the
"fixes" falters?
Faith in yourself, and for me, faith in my Higher Power.

Quote:
I want to have graduated, dammit!
Ron I know the feeling; probably we most all do. But recovery of ones life at least for me is a lifetime process. However I don't think that's all bad.

Quote:
I never realized that anyone would want to listen to what this part of me needed to say. They taught me real, real good...

Ron
We're listening Ron...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#37029 - 06/04/03 06:57 PM Re: Inducing hope
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ron
I think our "graduating" is gradual. And I don't belive it ever goes away completly. But I does get better.

You seem to have done a better job than many of us of healing yourself with minimal outside help. But possibly the damage done still affects you in the way it did me. I tried to do it myself for over 30 years, and found myself trying the same 'cure' for the same 'problem' and getting the same 'results'. Eventually I had to admit defeat and get help.

That's what it felt like at the time, defeat, the sort you seem to feel.
Quote:
What I hate the most, is having to admit my need for this forum.
But it isn't defeat at all, it's the bravest and strongest thing I ever did in my life.

Knowing we're not alone, by coming here and sharing our lives, adds to that strength as well. And sometimes that's all it takes, the ability to share a problem.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37030 - 06/13/03 09:50 AM Re: Inducing hope
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Dear Friends

Thank you for responding to my post. As I look back over the past week and review how far I have come since first arriving here at NOMSV, I feel somehow that a miracle has occured, though I am not sure how to describe it. Your concern for me and my feelings has injected me with such a new power in my inner life. I literally feel like I have "thrown down the crutches".

Blessings

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#37031 - 06/13/03 12:47 PM Re: Inducing hope
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Ron, Welcome, we are glad and grateful to have you are here with us. We are all in the same boat trying to find our answers which do not come easy. You are not alone in you journey. Nothing you say here is stupid, no one here will critize, no one here will judge. I know that I have found the finest group of men, the most supportive and encouraging in my journey through this SA. It only took me 40 years to come forward with all the issues. Come back often, we all are part of a pack of wolves teamed together to help each other and hopefully allow others to come forward with their SA and each day gain strength.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#37032 - 06/13/03 04:53 PM Re: Inducing hope
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ron:

Quote:
I feel somehow that a miracle has occured, though I am not sure how to describe it. Your concern for me and my feelings has injected me with such a new power in my inner life. I literally feel like I have "thrown down the crutches". ;\)
Isn't it a great feeling. Release and comfort all at the same time. You are not alone and never will be again. We are all here doing the same thing.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#37033 - 06/13/03 07:10 PM Re: Inducing hope
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ron
there's a big pile of crutches - at the door of MS !

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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