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#370123 - 09/14/11 06:55 PM .
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370125 - 09/14/11 07:59 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/29/12 09:50 PM)

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#370128 - 09/14/11 08:36 PM . [Re: ren42]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.


Edited by lady123 (05/30/12 12:44 PM)

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#370131 - 09/14/11 09:20 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
If you are not in this for the long haul (i.e. for a relationship eventually), then I'm afraid that the amount of patience you need is going to exceed what it sounds like you have. It is going to take more than one or two more conversations. That being said, I agree with Ren that you need to decide what is best for YOU. If this relationship would be over, anyway, then definitely consider that.


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#370135 - 09/14/11 10:17 PM . [Re: hopeandtry]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.


Edited by lady123 (05/30/12 12:44 PM)

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#370140 - 09/14/11 11:19 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yes, I feel much the same. Actually, my ex started to open up to me a LOT more in the months just before our last split (very recent). So, I was torn...do I stay because he seems to be opening up, or do I go because he is not getting help and there are other things that are hurting me? I think the important thing is to listen as much as is healthy for YOU, make sure he knows you don't judge him and are there for him, BUT make it clear that you cannot be there for him if he doesn't have professional help (or at least a support group like MS). Anyway, I'm totally feeling my way through everything myself. Like you, it's impossible to tell about the relationship at this point...who knows what will happen.


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#370141 - 09/14/11 11:20 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
P.S. Read as many posts of mine as you like...haha.


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#370150 - 09/15/11 01:48 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Lady 123

Well you said it in the last sentence, Break out the tough love NOW.
There is a lot here, but to start with the chap needs therapy or group, It is incredibly tough to do alone. Encourage him to find a support group, so he can see he is not the only one.If he does go for therapy, Make sure the Therapist is specialized in treating CSA. This is very important.
The other BIG factor is that he cannot be abusing any substances when he is trying to recover. HE MUST BE CLEAN. Substance abuse dulls the emotions, and healing isn't possible.


Encourage him to join this site, It is also a good idea.
Mostly don't get to emotionally involved as the victims often use you as their emotional punch bag. It can be emotionally draining for you.
The friend has entered into the first phase of recovery. "Tell someone" It could be years before he moves onto step two.

One thing you must remember is that he CANNOT be forced into recovery. It must be all his own choice.

Thank you for being a good friend and helping him. Be there for him but not at the expense of your own happiness.



Edited by whome (09/15/11 01:50 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
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#370156 - 09/15/11 02:53 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Lady123

Its wonderful that you have had the insight and courage to join a site like this so soon after being hit with this news.

It took me many years before I started sharing the pain that this journey holds. My opinions are very similer to what has already been said. Before you start helping him you need to very strong, its like preparing for the Boston marathon, you need to be at a peak fitness level or you are going to injure yourself along the way, possibly even not finish the race.

Get yourself a support system and remain on the tough love track. My understanding of tough love and support is that there is compassion and empathy, but you remain true to yourself and keep your own identity.

You cannot force anything, he needs to do this at his own pace and most of us will tell you its slow, very slow. There are so many aspects to the trauma and deep rooted pain that the victim needs to deal with before standing tall and shouting from the cliffs "I am a Survivor!!"

Show him empathy and understanding and make sure you are filled emotionally else where. When he is ready he will take the next step.

Don't forget to enjoy your life, regardless of the pain and hurt it is a fantastic thing to live life.

Pie


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#370193 - 09/15/11 04:34 PM . [Re: Pie]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370248 - 09/16/11 02:33 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I call that "pressure"! WOW! He makes a big step in his life, and you respond with an ultimatum? What if the abuser told him "drop your pants or else...."? Is the pressure you're putting on him good for him in that case? Surely NOT.

If he trusted you enough to tell you, I think he might actually LOVE you. For you to care this much, I believe you LOVE him too. Just love him through it with no pressure, and know that the relationship you abandon may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to both of you.

Signed, the Hopeless Romantic...LOL!!!


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#370249 - 09/16/11 03:34 AM . [Re: overcomer4life]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370256 - 09/16/11 08:26 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
I think we a massive amount of understanding needs to be given in each situation.

Supporters and loved ones should never be enablers, allowing the survivor to self distruct. When needed we need to be tough and being tough is harder on us, as it kills us that we can't just erase the devastation that our loved ones have been through.

My experiance is that because my husband is an addict (due to killing the emotional trauma) he is extremly manipulitive. If I do not use the ultimatums or so called tough love approach he slides back into his hole and poisons the entire family.

If I did not love my husband and little ones as much as I do. I would not bother putting myself through this and I am sure most friends and family feel the same. Survivors have therapists, supporters and share groups. What do the family have??


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#370276 - 09/16/11 02:17 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: Pie]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I'm on the fence with this one. Not in a bad mood at all. I am one who is fed up with ultimatums and pressure. I guess that came out in my reply. Sick of it dot com. I'm not sure how he feels, but as a man all I want you to do is listen, understand, and walk beside me in the midst of all the drama. I don't need ultimatums, tough love, or any of that. There's enough of that in life. What I need from you is love and understanding (but not to the degree of becoming an enabler).


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#370287 - 09/16/11 05:06 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@overcomer4life, I was in a similar situation as lady123. My ex started sharing more and opening up, but the problems between us (because he wasn't getting therapy) were so great that they were majorly dragging me down, plus it really wasn't helping him in the long run because as long as I stuck around without him getting help, he had no reason to...he had what he wanted! I think you need to see that we are not trying to give ultimatums to be cruel or bossy. There is a difference between giving unnecessary pressure and maintaining boundaries. While I do agree that PERHAPS lady123 can give it more time, SHE has to protect herself. Trust me, it is no fun being called a "security blanket" (and those are my ex's words). That makes me feel less than human, and just like a thing that he needs rather than a person he loves. However, I do also understand that survivors often feel too much pressure (then again, so do us supporters!!). I have put too much pressure on my ex before BECAUSE I STAYED. Because staying was not working due to me being drug down, and then he'd end up feeling pressure. It was BETTER for me to leave and say "I love you but things are not going to work unless we BOTH get support." That is not a cruel ultimatum. That is in our best interest.


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#370289 - 09/16/11 05:10 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Also, I just gotta add...maybe it's not us supporters always abandoning the relationship. I feel my ex abandoned ME...he didn't want to, but he did. I didn't walk away, I just quit chasing him. I don't hold it against him in a personal way because of his pain, but it was not ME who gave up.


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#370295 - 09/16/11 05:44 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I am going to add one more thing...hey, I haven't vented in a while. :-)

I don't believe in running out on someone who just spilled their guts to me. I agree that this survivor doesn't need added pressure. HOWEVER, I think any supporter has a right to say "Look, I am here for you but I am no therapist and so I can only get involved up to X point." That is different for everyone. If a couple is recently broken up, that is way different than a couple still together. A survivor disclosing to his ex is great...that he disclosed...but that puts the supporter in an extremely awkward position. It's honestly like being trapped. We want to help, but if the relationship was already ending or over, then we don't know what to do. We feel like jerks for not being able to help, but we don't know how many weeks, months, or YEARS (in my case) we can stay. So, if the survivor discloses, wonderful. It truly is. But then what for the supporter? Is our life defined by the survivor? Is that what we are here for? None of us WANT to give up on these relationships. Obviously we were with the man to begin with for a reason. I, for one, have gone through hell trying to "be there." When do I get the right to maintain my boundaries?

All this being said, I will agree with you on this, overcomer...I do think things need time. How much time? That depends on the situation.


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#370324 - 09/17/11 03:36 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
PERFECT!!! "We feel like jerks for not being able to help, but we don't know how many weeks, months, or YEARS (in my case) we can stay" is saying a LOT and I can definitely empathise with that.

The way I read it initially, it seemed as though he was being given an ultimatum (as you said) from a "bossy" standpoint, which is why I responded the way I did. I get it now. You're saying that you feel trapped because an issue has been thrown in your lap by someone you love that you don't feel totally equipped to handle. GOT IT!!!

I hope he gets the help he needs and I APPLAUD you for being there. That's one less suicide or other random act in this country from someone who was violated and didn't know how to process it. KUDOS to you!!!


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#370325 - 09/17/11 03:50 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
To a degree, I guess I was playing victim's advocate based on what I read AND a few things I've seen in my hometown. At this point, the one thing a man does NOT need is someone giving up on him...and you're not, but it will SEEM like you are. In my own situation, I've been two seconds short of giving up on myself...so when another person "found out what happened" and abandoned ship, it made me feel more worthless than I did before anyone knew. I was in love with a young lady. After 3.5 years of dating, I finally let the cat out of the bag. She shared it with a friend in confidence and the friend warned her that "most men who were molested turned out gay". She jumped ship. Nine bottles of pills later (which obviously didn't do what I intended), she's been married 3 times and I'm still putting pieces of my life's puzzle back together. SO I guess I was putting him in my shoes, so to speak.

Either way, I SALUTE YOU for being there for him. *big hug to you*


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#370330 - 09/17/11 07:58 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I understand. I can't imagine the pain a survivor has to go through, nor the fear. And I hate that she did that to you. Then again, when I think of how little I knew about abuse a little over a year ago (before MS), I see why people believe crazy things. (Okay, I never believed a myth that crazy, but I definitely didn't understand the effects totally.)

Sorry if I sounded overly emotional yesterday...been a long couple weeks.


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#370349 - 09/17/11 12:59 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I can imagine how hard it is from your side. The original post painted the picture for me that the love between the two of you is DEEP (something I only WISH to be able to share with a woman some day). So my prayer is that in the end, LOVE will win, and you both will overcome this hurdle together.


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#370379 - 09/17/11 06:29 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Well, the original post wasn't from me...but yeah I hope the right thing works out for everyone here.


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#370399 - 09/18/11 12:05 AM . [Re: hopeandtry]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370402 - 09/18/11 12:32 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
*big hug*


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#370409 - 09/18/11 12:55 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61


I think its great that we have a safe place to get our emotions out.

Keep going.... Heal well.... There is something positive in everything...

Pie


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#370492 - 09/18/11 11:36 PM . [Re: Pie]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370494 - 09/19/11 12:09 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
The happy ending I was waiting for (Well, that AND the wedding in due time)! ;-)


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#370495 - 09/19/11 12:16 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Glad you have some good news. On my end, things are ending, I'm afraid. Bad night and what started as me trying to be supportive ended up blowing up in my face. I'm so heartbroken right now and have been crying buckets.


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#370615 - 09/20/11 11:36 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Hopeandtry...I am SO SORRY to hear that. I really hope it gets better. It's a process and I am not giving up on you two...


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#370618 - 09/21/11 12:07 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: overcomer4life]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, overcomer. I feel better right now after a bad day...feeling stronger. I had to have my "down" time as is natural, but I will get better. There will still be very down times in the months to come as I heal, but I will make it.


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