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#370123 - 09/14/11 06:55 PM .
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370125 - 09/14/11 07:59 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/29/12 09:50 PM)

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#370128 - 09/14/11 08:36 PM . [Re: ren42]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.


Edited by lady123 (05/30/12 12:44 PM)

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#370131 - 09/14/11 09:20 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
If you are not in this for the long haul (i.e. for a relationship eventually), then I'm afraid that the amount of patience you need is going to exceed what it sounds like you have. It is going to take more than one or two more conversations. That being said, I agree with Ren that you need to decide what is best for YOU. If this relationship would be over, anyway, then definitely consider that.


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#370135 - 09/14/11 10:17 PM . [Re: hopeandtry]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.


Edited by lady123 (05/30/12 12:44 PM)

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#370140 - 09/14/11 11:19 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yes, I feel much the same. Actually, my ex started to open up to me a LOT more in the months just before our last split (very recent). So, I was torn...do I stay because he seems to be opening up, or do I go because he is not getting help and there are other things that are hurting me? I think the important thing is to listen as much as is healthy for YOU, make sure he knows you don't judge him and are there for him, BUT make it clear that you cannot be there for him if he doesn't have professional help (or at least a support group like MS). Anyway, I'm totally feeling my way through everything myself. Like you, it's impossible to tell about the relationship at this point...who knows what will happen.


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#370141 - 09/14/11 11:20 PM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
P.S. Read as many posts of mine as you like...haha.


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#370150 - 09/15/11 01:48 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Lady 123

Well you said it in the last sentence, Break out the tough love NOW.
There is a lot here, but to start with the chap needs therapy or group, It is incredibly tough to do alone. Encourage him to find a support group, so he can see he is not the only one.If he does go for therapy, Make sure the Therapist is specialized in treating CSA. This is very important.
The other BIG factor is that he cannot be abusing any substances when he is trying to recover. HE MUST BE CLEAN. Substance abuse dulls the emotions, and healing isn't possible.


Encourage him to join this site, It is also a good idea.
Mostly don't get to emotionally involved as the victims often use you as their emotional punch bag. It can be emotionally draining for you.
The friend has entered into the first phase of recovery. "Tell someone" It could be years before he moves onto step two.

One thing you must remember is that he CANNOT be forced into recovery. It must be all his own choice.

Thank you for being a good friend and helping him. Be there for him but not at the expense of your own happiness.



Edited by whome (09/15/11 01:50 AM)
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#370156 - 09/15/11 02:53 AM Re: How To Help My Friend [Re: lady123]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Lady123

Its wonderful that you have had the insight and courage to join a site like this so soon after being hit with this news.

It took me many years before I started sharing the pain that this journey holds. My opinions are very similer to what has already been said. Before you start helping him you need to very strong, its like preparing for the Boston marathon, you need to be at a peak fitness level or you are going to injure yourself along the way, possibly even not finish the race.

Get yourself a support system and remain on the tough love track. My understanding of tough love and support is that there is compassion and empathy, but you remain true to yourself and keep your own identity.

You cannot force anything, he needs to do this at his own pace and most of us will tell you its slow, very slow. There are so many aspects to the trauma and deep rooted pain that the victim needs to deal with before standing tall and shouting from the cliffs "I am a Survivor!!"

Show him empathy and understanding and make sure you are filled emotionally else where. When he is ready he will take the next step.

Don't forget to enjoy your life, regardless of the pain and hurt it is a fantastic thing to live life.

Pie


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#370193 - 09/15/11 04:34 PM . [Re: Pie]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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