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#370079 - 09/14/11 05:32 AM not sleeping 2nite
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
close the computer, darkness, silence, fear sets in, im being watched, i can feel it, maybe the dead fills the room, i can feel something here, just an energy, like tension in the air idk, phone keeps ringing, its 5am, too many rings wont stop, just in my head but i can hear it, think of the bad, corners, shadows, lay with my eyes open, compelled to sing the barney theme song over and over, creepy feeling gets me up, walk to moms room, door squeaks loud when i open it, she wakes up, tell her im scared, sit on the floor near the bed, she goes back to sleep, put my head down barney song again and i cant help it. freaky freak she thinks im a freak, she falls asleep, i leave, back alone darkness, ringing, and the dead, barney song over again, till i turn this back on, wtf am i doing, why do i think like this sumtimes. somethings watching, somthings always been watching

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

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#370103 - 09/14/11 01:01 PM Re: not sleeping 2nite [Re: illbedat]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I wake from dreams of hands touching and ravishing my body, mouth in places it should not be on a child's body, the piercing pain as he enters me and all I can seem to do is cry. I think I have my life under control but the child who has been trapped for so long has become a visible part of me. He had been there all along, at times taking over because of all the pain I buried within him. He knew nothing but abuse, to him love was abuse and abuse was love. When I was weak he was able to control as I left my body behind. I would arrive hopefully in time to stop his need to be loved through abusive deeds like those done by the priest.

My dreams take my imagination to places I do not know if I have traveled. But the child says I always returned before he could fill his need to be abused as he was as a child. Not knowing for certain has created fear in me, it stops me from moving forward at times. Then there are the days when the child and I are laughing and enjoying our time together. The pain and hurts are now mine and no longer the child's. My heart is piercing with hurt and my soul has been torn to shreds. A feeling I hope no one else ever knows. Why I ask was I so naive to have created this child, why was I not man enough to take hold and stop the abuse. I know I was a child but the shame and guilt still haunt me each and everyday.

But I know facing each day is part of my journey to healing. What has been done I cannot change, but I work with the child, once so angry with me, for a better life. The anger once so consumed the child because he knew nothing but the pain and deeds that ravished and robbed his childhood. That childhood is lost and we now need to work together to build a future. Many around us do not understand our journey, they only see the hurtful deeds I may have done. But the child says, the obvious is not always that obvious because we were two and not in sync.

I have loss of time, and the triggers let the child free who only thought love was abuse and abuse was love. And acted in a way to numb the pain through what he thought was love. The child became angrier when I would return to stop the deeds because all he knew was pain. The spiraling of emotions are sometimes out of control as I feel those hands on my body and his command that I do the same to him. The deeds I did to him have left me lost of who I am. I know I did not do freely but he said it brought pleasure to me because of the way my body reacted. I feel shame because my body betrayed who I was, a child. I felt so helpless as he pierced my inner tunnel with his screwdriver. Turning and laughing as I fell to the ground a lost child without hope. The pain touched my body and soul. I left and the poor child absorbed the pain like a sponge in water. But we became oil and vinegar and our lives did not mix together in harmony.

Today I try to heal, with help of everyone here and a wonderful therapist. My family believes the obvious is the obvious and have not tried to understand the pain of one abused. I have accepted and move forward with strangers who have become my family. I thank you for being here for your love and support. So I understand your pain as you did not sleep tonight.



Edited by KMCINVA (09/14/11 05:25 PM)

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