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#369729 - 09/07/11 11:57 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Quote:
"God, I wish I looked like that." I want to be that person or, by sex, connect with that person.


Yes that is it exactly. I kinda wondered if you would see that. It is not unusual especially after going through all of this to envy those handsome young carefree guys. I used to look at them and so want to be them. No abuse, no hangups, no bad habits and no hurts. It is intoxicating to imagine what they were like, what their lives were like and imagine what mine could have been like. So yeah I do get that. Good that you see that and good that you understand that sexualizing that only makes it worse.

Be happy for them. And really you have no idea what their like and what they deal with too.


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#369761 - 09/08/11 12:59 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
That, I think, is important because for years I struggled with my family's line of "Yeah, he's not so great ..." It violated their sense of propriety to recognize that some people had it better than we did, did things better than we did it, etc. You couldn't build someone up unless it was a means to tear them down.

Maybe it sounds over-simplified and that's why I didn't connect the two. I felt like there had to be more to the story since this was such a strong emotion.


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#369764 - 09/08/11 01:48 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6380
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
EDITED:

Sorry. I did not know you were all speaking metaphorically. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong "sagging" pants thing. Sorry.



Edited by Robbie Brown (09/08/11 10:46 PM)
Edit Reason: correction
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#369785 - 09/08/11 07:51 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Still]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
I once saw a guy across campus, shirtless, low slung pants, playing frisbee with his friends. Got immensely triggered for all the reasons I think you guys are talking about. His body, carefree attitude, casualness with his friends. As Shaun was saying, I think I projected onto him that he had some kind of idealized life, one better than mine, and I wanted, for a moment to be him. It’s a horrible feeling, to be diminished that way, to compare yourself and let yourself feel so lacking. Anyway, the next moment, he calls out my name and comes running over to me. I didn’t recognize him across the quad, but he was a student of mine! And my first thought (I will never forget this) was, “Oh, it’s only Kevin.” (Not that I thought there was anything wrong with Kevin being Kevin. But just that he was another real life human being.) He had questions for me about an assignment. He struggled in the classroom. He had a world of problems all his own. A valuable lesson for me.

I love what Freedom49 (Roger) said about those boys and men we idealize: “Be happy for them... you have no idea what they’re like and what they deal with too.”


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#369788 - 09/08/11 08:17 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Driftwood]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I agree - I think what I've been suffering with is this sexualization of jealousy. When I see triggering images I've been practicing thinking to myself "good for you. It's good that you look that way and I hope to one day look that way myself."

It's been helpful.


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#369794 - 09/08/11 10:04 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
I love that. "Good for you." To honor what's beautiful in someone else allows you to escape feeling diminished by them. And you can reaffirm yourself in your own efforts in that direction (or some other area where you've different gifts). I'm trying to learn that in the arts--when I see someone do beautiful creative work, instead of being jealous, I want to admire them and let their successes spur to me excellence in my own work.


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#369828 - 09/09/11 09:43 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Still]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
@Robbie Brown: You're talking about the same thing, dude. Notice how I've sexualized something that very few other people have. It's like walking into a room and admitting that you're triggered by getting a soda out of the machine. Everyone else is like "What? It's just a soda, right?" For them, it's just a soda, for you it's something else entirely.

Freud was famous for saying "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

It appears I'm not alone on this and I'm grateful for the insight. I'm practicing my little motto that I mentioned above and it's working out okay so far. No major life changes ... just a little more quiet. That's all I can ask for. smile


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#369856 - 09/09/11 07:53 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I seldom post on the threads by way of taking part in the conversation these days but this one caught my attention so thought I would throw in my two cents...

To me it's simply a style of dress. No more. No less. Certainly there are other styles that evoke more of a sexual response in me than this one. I think part of the problem that seems to be common in a lot of survivors (and others to some extent I suppose) is that we tend to over-sexualize our relationships, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, strangers, hairstyles, clothing styles, the list could go on and on. People or styles, etc. take on sexual overtones with us but it does not mean that there is something inherently wrong in having friends, coworkers, or the way we choose to dress, tho I'll grant you there IS a line between decency and decadence.

The point is that just because I react with a sexual response to someone or to the style with which he or she presents him or herself doesn't mean there is necessarily anything wrong with them or with their presentation. It may well mean however that I've got more processing to do if I find myself triggered by them. It's important for me to know where they end and I begin, and in knowing that I'll be able to discern my stuff from theirs.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#369860 - 09/10/11 12:35 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
A friend once said that we do not see the world as it is, we see the world as WE ARE.

Probably a lot of truth to that.


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#369970 - 09/12/11 12:38 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Something in this thread jumped out at me before and rereading it right now, I came across this comment Shaun made: “What I'd like to do is understand why I sexualize things that don't deserve it, understand what the triggers tell me about my own CSA (and, importantly, who it might have been ...) and finally get it processed so it becomes like so many other painful issues that I don't think about now that I've got it straight in my head.”

I also can’t remember my initial abuse or who abused me. Still don’t know what to do about that. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Part of me wants to keep examining, questioning, looking--hoping some memory will appear, and another part of me wants to just let it go. Is it healthier to keep trying to remember or to make peace with the fact that you don’t know and will probably never know?


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