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#369656 - 09/07/11 01:59 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey we love our VUVU's, dont mess with them. lol. They might look phallic, but once the horn sounds all desire leaves.



Edited by whome (09/07/11 02:01 AM)
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#369657 - 09/07/11 02:04 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey we love our VUVU's, dont mess with them. lol. They might look phallic, but once the horn sounds all desire leaves.

Our youngsters also hang their butts out for the world to see, but hey Plumbers have been doing it for like forever, and I think that the underpants are a better option. Perhaps we could start a new trend for Plumbers? lol







Edited by whome (09/07/11 02:05 AM)
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#369672 - 09/07/11 09:02 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Quote:

Could it be satisfying a need to be noticed, accepted, a need to be seen as desirable?

Just a thought.


Probably ... My personal history is such that I never really put together what kind of CSA I experienced, only that I exhibit the signs of a person who was abused based on my behavior. It took years before I was ready to admit that.

With all my acting out (when I was acting out ... :)) I did a lot of armchair self-analysis and came to the same conclusion. I wanted to be accepted and/or desired. I can think of a lot of shame-based discipline that my parents gave me growing up but it wouldn't have been considered sexual abuse. They were more about emotional, verbal and occasional physical abuse.

So if I'm seeing sagging as this sexual thing and if I'm looking to be noticed, accepted and seen as desired - what does that mean? What does that tell me about my personal CSA? I'd really love to understand this better for my own personal journey.

P.S.: I hated vuvuzelas - first time I was introduced to them was watching the World Cup last year. I could hear this weird droning sound on the TV and nobody could tell me what they were.



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (09/07/11 09:03 AM)

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#369681 - 09/07/11 11:42 AM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Quote:
So if I'm seeing sagging as this sexual thing and if I'm looking to be noticed, accepted and seen as desired - what does that mean? What does that tell me about my personal CSA? I'd really love to understand this better for my own personal journey.


Well, I for one think it means you are human. It is natural for a boy/man to want to be desired, accepted, a part of something bigger than themselves. If that need gets met in a healthy way then we develope a healthy self image of ourselves and are not so susceptible to the grooming and seduction of others for their purpose.

If on the other hand we do not get what we need, we will seek it out wherever and however we can find it and that can leave us vulnerable I suspect to unsavory attention. This has been indeed true in my life even at my age. I have done a lot of work on that lately to seek out healthy ways to satisfy that need without making myself vulnerable to those with hidden agendas.

Roger


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#369683 - 09/07/11 12:27 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Quote:
It is natural for a boy/man to want to be desired, accepted, a part of something bigger than themselves. If that need gets met in a healthy way then we develope a healthy self image of ourselves and are not so susceptible to the grooming and seduction of others for their purpose.

If on the other hand we do not get what we need, we will seek it out wherever and however we can find it and that can leave us vulnerable I suspect to unsavory attention.


For whatever reason - that's resonating with me. I think I have a real issue with acceptance and, for some reasaon, I've sexualized it. I'd really love to figure out what that means and why it exists.

Assuming my CSA happened when I was too young to remember it, why would I be so specific about it being tied to acceptance? I feel that it's like a mental splinter just under the surface, or a scratch that I can sand out if I can just get to it.

Now that I'm older - on one hand, I want to be accepted - on the other I've gone for years being so ashamed of my body and freaked out at the thought of being seen that I go out of my way not to attract attention. For the gym rats, I'm sure you know that doing different weightlifting moves means that your butt is shoved out while you do a squat rack or something. I've been so self-conscious about this that I've injured myself trying to lift the same weight without feeling 'exposed.' Additionally, for a long time I was way, waaay too conscious of being taken advantage of so that I'm watching every guy trying to figure out who the pervert is. Who wants to go through life feeling like they're the one straight guy in the prison shower room?

I've gotten better at that on my own - slowly dealing with the idea that, people may be looking but they probably aren't. And even if they are, that's their problem, not mine. Additionally, if there are predators, I'm a lot stronger than I was and I can dismantle them pretty efficiently.

Clearly there are a lot of body issues, shame and sexualization of things that don't deserve to be sexualized. I've found a partial answer in coming to understand that my thoughts aren't dialed in correctly and adjusting for that. I feel like my head is a compass that's been pulled off by a nearby magnet. I can correct for it and remind myself what 'north' is but I think I'd like to get rid of the magnet - if that makes sense.

Thanks for reading. cool

~S


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#369690 - 09/07/11 02:49 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Quote:
Clearly there are a lot of body issues, shame and sexualization of things that don't deserve to be sexualized. I've found a partial answer in coming to understand that my thoughts aren't dialed in correctly and adjusting for that. I feel like my head is a compass that's been pulled off by a nearby magnet. I can correct for it and remind myself what 'north' is but I think I'd like to get rid of the magnet - if that makes sense.


It is an interesting way of describing it and it makes perfect sense. That is why I have a sponsor and accountability partners in my life's walk now. I describe it this way. I have grown up with a set of lies that I have tested over the years and seem to be true because of the way I was raised. In reality they are not true and have caused me great shame embarrassment and discomfort that I have had to deal with and like you recognize and compensate for in different ways. These guys that I have in my life now are like mirrors that help me see blind spots the lies have produced. They help correct my compass if you will till I can lose the magnet. They help me see what I can be totally blind to.

I did not have that years ago. I fumbled around making mistakes and bad choices because I did not get or receive those corrections that I needed to keep me on course. By doing that I now have a much straighter course and you know what? It really takes a lot of pressure off me. I suspect we were not meant to do this alone. I am glad you are here getting feedback and help in correcting your course. Sometimes though we may need a professional navigator in the person of a therapist or counselor to course correct. Don't be afraid or hesitant to look for one from time to time.

Just some thoughts

Roger



Edited by Freedom49 (09/07/11 02:53 PM)

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#369693 - 09/07/11 03:07 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Oh totally - found a great therapist who normally only works with abused kids. She took me on, convinced me to get on some meds and the results have been like night and day.

Would that I could continue - waiting for insurance to kick in - meanwhile I have a lot of caring friends and family. Some of them are accountability partners (I like that idea ... I think I was doing that with some people without realizing it) and some of them just like me for me and they aren't part of 'recovery'.

Going back to the original topic though - what does the triggering tell me? Putting all these pieces together - what am I saying to myself?


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#369696 - 09/07/11 03:15 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I suggest you answer that last question with the first thing that pops into your head. It is usually right on and see what you come up with.


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#369702 - 09/07/11 03:57 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Freedom49]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I've done that - beyond 'I've been abused and this is me responding to my abuse' - I don't get any closer. I was hoping that someone else's experience could help me get some insight.


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#369722 - 09/07/11 09:34 PM Re: Sagging is a sexual thing, right? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Let me add some thoughts because I've been mulling this over all afternoon:

1. Since you asked - the first thing that pops into my head is a mix of emotions surrounding "God, I wish I looked like that." I want to be that person or, by sex, connect with that person.

2. All I get is 'that emotion'. Nothing else. Any time I've acted out by myself, it's amazing how quickly I go from "I feel connected" to "I hate myself ... this was stupid." I've never been able to reconcile how quickly and completely I can go from one idea to the other. Weird.

All that being said, I've watched what triggers me carefully and I haven't acted out in years. Having gotten myself to a certain level - I'd like to take that forward by understand what is throwing me off. All I can narrow it down to is:

  • Sagging
  • Ideal Male (guy with 'ideal body type' - swimmer's build, etc.)


I project on this person that they will have an easier life than mine, a better life than mine and I wish I was that person. I want to be that person or be connected with them somehow. I liken it to that archetype you get when someone is so into a famous person and makes the decision to stalk them. That famous person represents everything that other person isn't, but wishes that they were and they want to be around them in every imaginable way. At the bottom of it - the want to be that person. It's creepy to recognize that you could easily fall into that behavior if you didn't commit yourself to recovery.

When I take a step back, I realize that I like my life a lot and, stresses aside, I would't want to be someone else. What I'd like to do is understand why I sexualize things that don't deserve it, understand what the triggers tell me about my own CSA (and, importantly, who it might have been ...) and finally get it processed so it becomes like so many other painful issues that I don't think about now that I've got it straight in my head.


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