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#369411 - 09/04/11 12:02 PM Okay, I reposted this (modified)
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I modified the post and added it as a comment below.



Edited by hopeandtry (09/04/11 01:42 PM)

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#369412 - 09/04/11 12:16 PM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was just reading that !!!!! LOL

Martin

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#369421 - 09/04/11 01:24 PM Re: post removed [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Haha...I may post it again, Martin, but I needed to think about some things first. Don't want to sound vindictive or anything. You are welcome to comment on what you read, though, if you want.


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#369423 - 09/04/11 01:41 PM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Okay, I had to think about what I wrote before to make sure I wasn't being totally unreasonable. Here is a modified version:

My ex told me five days ago that he couldn't talk to me anymore and for me to let him go...for me to take care of myself and just let him go. It took me a few days to be able to do it, but I managed to gather my resolve and wrote him a short email saying that I loved him, but for him to please not contact me unless he was getting help (as I would be doing myself) because we'd just go in circles with the hurting. It felt terrible to let him go, yet at the same time, all week I did really well because I was concentrating on myself. Working hard at grad school, got a new therapist to treat one of my biggest problems (I am OCD and have never been formally treated), etc.

I let him go on Monday morning. Friday afternoon, he called me. I didn't answer, but found out yesterday why he called because as usual, his call shook me up and so I asked. His car had broken down in my city.

To some that may seem like a legitimate reason to call. For me, when a man says "I can't handle you being in my life anymore because I'm a wreck. Please let me go, move on, etc" then that is a very big deal and feels long term, if not permanent. So, for him to call me for any reason short of him bleeding to death, etc, I felt jerked around in this big "push - pull" that is our relationship.

This time, I told him how I felt about it. I told him how his behavior like this affects me. Sure, it's true that people only drive us crazy if we let them, but I will never believe that that means a person's behavior shouldn't have ANY effect on us.

When he pushes me away in such a permanent way, it hurts for him to pop back into my life.

This time I told him how it hurts. This time I told him how it can throw me off of the balance I've worked so hard to maintain in my life. I told him it hurt that he made such a big deal out of me letting him go, and then contacts me a few days later. This time I told him maybe he doesn't get what a big deal letting him go was to me...how much he means to me (probably doesn't get it since he doesn't value himself). This time I told him how him popping back up rips the wound open again. This time I told him that while I understand his behavior, I will not put up with it anymore...this cutting me off, shoving me away, etc. This time I told him HE HAS TO DECIDE WHETHER HE WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE OR NOT. No more halfway. No more keeping one hand on me when to me it feels like I lost him forever. (Can anyone here imagine what a cruel joke it would be if you saw the love of your life die before your eyes, then had a doctor say "Oh he's coming back...oops nevermind." THAT is what it feels like.) This time I told him how unfair it is to me. Unfair. UNFAIR. This time I told him he may be able to treat the split as trivial and go back and forth, but I cannot...when he walked away from me, he took my heart with him.

Now that I have that all out, I will say, maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe it's my fault for not blocking him when he told me to let him go. But you know what? I just can't take all the blame for this. I thought he was done with me and I only left a route of communication open in case one day he got help. I guess I am going to have to change that at least for several months until I feel better.

If I sound totally crazy in this post, I apologize. :-/


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#369436 - 09/04/11 03:29 PM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hope

I think you know where I stand on this one, so kudos for you.
Stick to your guns till YOU are ready to tackle this again, and this time it will be on your terms.
Well done

Martin

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#369437 - 09/04/11 03:31 PM Re: post removed [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
BTW

You are not all that crazy, well I don't think so, ummm not sure, well, uummm NO I agree with myself, you aren't crazy at all.

Martin

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#369438 - 09/04/11 03:40 PM Re: post removed [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Martin. :-) Kudos to you for being here and working on your recovery.


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#369468 - 09/05/11 01:09 AM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Tonight I just feel shitty about the whole thing. I start to second guess myself...maybe not my decision but what I say to him. I don't know. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but that doesn't make his actions okay, either.


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#369472 - 09/05/11 01:47 AM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Remember that you being with him may enable him, as you are a good support, understanding. He can continue his bad behavior.
Without you he needs to face reality, and hopefully recovery. Remember that it isn't forever.
Hope you feel stronger soon.

Martin

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#369473 - 09/05/11 01:52 AM Re: post removed [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Martin. That's what I was trying to do...not enable him, take care of myself, etc. I just got so upset that he treated it like "forever" and then called me...it messes me up when that happens. I guess I second guess myself in my words to him...telling him how he makes me feel when he does that, etc. I think I'm just down, and hate feeling "mean."

As for forever...sometimes I wonder. It is scary.

I'm trying to keep my head up. Thank goodness for the distraction of school right now.


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#369507 - 09/05/11 02:06 PM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I felt shitty again this morning because of second guessing myself (as usual). Thankfully my best friend reminded me of some things (about him and myself):

1) It was fine for me to tell him how his actions affect me. He needs to know that.
2) Though he needs to know how his actions affect me, I also have the ability to not respond to him whatsoever...even if I respond to tell him how I feel, the point is that I responded AT ALL and that tells him that contacting me is okay (even if I say it's not).
3) Though it is normal for me to worry about how my words affect him due to his shaky state, I am not responsible for 1) how he feels 2) what he does an 3) how he responds. That is, if he gets all depressed due to me standing up for myself, it is not my problem.

It is really hard to let go of worrying about him because (as Martin said) I try to be understanding...too much so sometimes.

Anyway, I thought I'd post this for the benefit of other supporters or anyone else. We have to make people treat us the way we want to be treated, not by our words, but by our actions. If we let them push us around, they will.


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#369532 - 09/05/11 08:37 PM Re: post removed [Re: hopeandtry]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hope,

Your first answers are right, make them the only answers. When the "other" answers come in, shoo them away with validating the first answers.

No second guessing, you are making right decisions, choose the first answer again and again and again,

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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