Newest Members
dspwilson, Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated
12384 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4gettingthepast4 (32), DougL (53), Jeff38 (48), lfp (27), pats121 (75), Texan (57), zer0sleep (35)
Who's Online
4 registered (crabbott, tbkkfile, bluesky, 1 invisible), 25 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12384 Members
74 Forums
63653 Topics
444536 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#369356 - 09/03/11 04:29 PM Help With Dissociation
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
I have only recently come to terms with having been abused as a child by a priest. I have always known something happened. I would have flashbacks but I always put it away. Never realizing it really is never gone. I am working with a therapist and beginning to feel better as I talk about what happened. But I have loss of time and have learned I was doing things or attempting to do things that put me in a similar abusive position. At times I came back in strange places I wanted to be abused by men and worshipped by womem. I am a heterosexual male and cannot understand why I would want to seek out actions that the abuser did to me. This other part of me scares me. Therapy is helping


Top
#369364 - 09/03/11 05:26 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome KMCINVA,

I can empathize with this post, it is full of frustration and hope, thank you. I celebrate your courage in sharing your confusion with us, well done. Your determination to recover from the abuse controls is powerful, you will achieve your goal!

Loss of time and triggers that overwhelm a survivor, feelings that we impulsively feel the need to satisfy is common, KMC. What we experienced in the abuse was so damaging that our minds and hearts cannot immediately process it. We have found that through the years, the feelings from the abuse can suddenly overwhelm us, and the actions perpetrated against us become somatic, they become physical sensations. Like the feeling of hunger or thirst, we can be driven to satisfy these abuse feelings, as we continue to harm ourselves.

Therapy, resolution, association with like minded survivors, research, these help us understand why we are drawn to thoughts, feelings and actions that repulse us. We are helped to diffuse the "timer", and can safely dispose of the explosive that abuse has left inside of us. Afterward, recovery leads to thriving, a condition where we live in happiness, joy and positive thoughts and feelings most of the time. It's coming, K, and it will be wonderful.

Please consider a Weekend of Recovery, it has and continues to help me keep on the path to recovery,

Welcome,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#369450 - 09/04/11 07:06 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: SamV]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
KMCINVA;

That's a issue/condition many of us here have in our history, reenactments of the abuse in passive rituals where we can control the emotional, physical and mental result. Often mixed with pleasure and afterwards discust/discomfort.

Gald you made it here but sad to read the reason.

Here at MS l found much more than survivorship, many of the men here consider me family, they call me bro and are always right on with honesty and love.

Welcome, l wish for you the peace, understanding and comfort you seek.
Check this, just key word search on google or yahoo; sexual abuse reenactments
or any key word search you might think of pertaining to your journey for survivorship Medical journal/research papers are a good source of info, and google the names of professionals listed is acknowledgements/references or the ne mes of authors of medical/clinical studies on your specific type of abuse.

Yoir bro,



Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (09/04/11 07:33 PM)
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

Top
#369490 - 09/05/11 10:45 AM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Thank you for the replies. Your words are very helpful. I have been making progress. With my therapist I have been able to talk about many of the details of the abuse. I attend a support group and am beginning to feel comfortable speaking about the abuse there-but not in the same detail. What happened should never happen to anyone. I have long had dreams and intrusive memories and could always hold them back. I pushed them to the dark side.

But his dark side began to take hold as I began to feel new abuse, a family member would spit on me and I would begin to feel myself leave. This began about 5 years ago. While this was going on, others would come screaming at me, pointing fingers, throwing things off the desk, calling me names. I was like the kid in the playground being bullied by his family. The feelings of worthlessness grew and this other side would take hold. The flashback of what happened to me as a child would flash before me. I felt like a passenger in my body watching this horrible scene. My poor other side took the brunt of their actions. I was sick to my stomach.

The other side was looking for love from woman and abuse from men, all under pretense of looking for a good time. I lost time and would come back in strange places or being in the car heading to somewhere I did not know. I believe I came back before anything happened with the people, but cannot be sure. I am learning of these memories as I try to connect with this side of me in therapy. It has a voice. When I began therapy it was very angry and we battled. Long nights of angst. My family found some of the writings and assume I am gay. But I cannot explain to them what happened. I have tried and they do not want to listen. But my other side, the voice is calmer now that I am accepting the pain and hurt of the abuse. The therapist believes this is the child in me. I feel he is right. He also believes I have self abused myself because I hold feelings that I am to blame for the abuse and blame myself for putting pain on the child in me. I created a safe spot for me.

I cry for no reason when the thoughts flash through my head. I use to get physically sick when I talked to the therapist about the specifics of the abuse. I still feel mildly sick when talking about it. But I know it takes time, but I want to survive and do not want to let others take me down.

My therapist uses talk therapy and it is working for me. He believes I am beginning to connect with the other side the child I put aside. I also am beginning to understand his hurt and pain. He was trapped all those years. I only gave him the bad and he did not know how to live other than abuse, which he sought. He wanted love, like we all do.

It is a journey. I never realized how painful it would be to face the abuse. But so many other emotions keep spurting out. It is sometimes overwhelming. Thank you for listening to me


Top
#369494 - 09/05/11 11:11 AM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear KMC,

Thanks for posting here. I'm always looking for insight about survivors. I would like to ask you about this part of your posting:

"My therapist uses talk therapy and it is working for me. He believes I am beginning to connect with the other side the child I put aside. I also am beginning to understand his hurt and pain. He was trapped all those years. I only gave him the bad and he did not know how to live other than abuse, which he sought. He wanted love, like we all do."

Does this mean the trapped child sought abuse, but now, is receptive to other kinds, healthier kinds, of human connections? If so, how is that transition made?

Many, many thanks, and stay strong as you continue to heal,
D.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#369499 - 09/05/11 01:06 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: Disappointed]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Good question, i believe that is what my therapist believes. I do not feel the inner anger like I use to feel. It seems I was always trying to cut that part of my life out as though it never happened. The therapist says the more I fought to deny the abuse the stronger the chil became, because it was rea. I thought if I could deny the abuse all would be well. I was wrong. But I am learning it is a part of who I am. I am beginning to accept it and realize I cannot change what happened. I am feeling more internal peace. But I have a long way to go.

The transition is slow, I stumble into old habits of self blame but find I am no longer pushing it to the child in me. Ifeel the pain, before I would go off to a distant place. I know recovery is a long journey but I am beginning to feel better about myself and self worth.

Thank you for your support and I hope your recovery and healing is going well.


Top
#369536 - 09/05/11 09:07 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hey KMC,

Welcome again to MS.org. I am glad that you found us and hope that your recovery is a good one. It sounds like you are on a good path and have a good therapist to guide you.

We spoke briefly in chat today and now that i have read your post, i understand more about what you were speaking about. it would be a good thing for others to find this posting in the introductions or the Male Survivors forums. that is where i check first for the new guys. Just a thought.

i too would self-abuse and dissociate at times. i understand your pain and the way you needed to deal with it at the time. we all had ways to keep ourself alive and a measure of safe. i have learned better ways to handle things now and hope that you will too.

keep up the good fight my friend. it is a difficult and painful thing to do, but well worth the effort. you will begin to see the results in time and be glad that things are going better.

i am really sorry that your family is not on your side. that is an unfortunate thing that happens to some. it can make things difficult and painful. we here and i will care about you and support you in your struggle. that's why i keep coming back.

take care KMC in Va. you are a valuable man here and valued.

peace

paul smile

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
#369581 - 09/06/11 09:42 AM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: pbert53]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Thank you and it was good to talk with you today. I took your suggestion and posted to the introduction section. Each time I hear from someone or read someone elses story I begin to feel I am not alone. Thank you


Top
#369606 - 09/06/11 04:06 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
You are so welcome KMC,

I read your post in the introductions and am glad that you decided to post it there. There will be many who will see it there that may not see it here, and that is a good thing. The more guys that read it will be benefited by your post.

Hang in there my friend. you are worth it. we can help each other in this journey.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
#369620 - 09/06/11 06:46 PM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Dear KMC. Sounds like you are writing part of my life too. Have strangers come up to me and call me by another name. When I ask where they know me from, it's from places I would not go to ( consciously) and evidently did things that are not in my? Comfort zone. But they can describe my car and other things that strangers shouldn't know. (tattoos not visible). Through counseling I learned about dissociation. Struggling with the same issue as you in that i look for attention, from men, even if it involves me, well, doing things. My main abuser was my mother, other an older cousin. Father in the home but as affectionate as a brick. So I learned women aren't safe, and the only love from a man I am worthy of is physical and intimate. Hang in buddy, it's tough but it will get better.


Top
#369650 - 09/07/11 12:31 AM Re: Help With Dissociation [Re: KMCINVA]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
I have only recently come to terms with having been abused as a child by a priest. I have always known something happened. I would have flashbacks but I always put it away. Never realizing it really is never gone. I am working with a therapist and beginning to feel better as I talk about what happened. But I have loss of time and have learned I was doing things or attempting to do things that put me in a similar abusive position. At times I came back in strange places I wanted to be abused by men and worshipped by womem. I am a heterosexual male and cannot understand why I would want to seek out actions that the abuser did to me. This other part of me scares me. Therapy is helping


KMCINVA

It sounds as though you have dissociative identity disorder. The good part is that it is fully treatable. People who have this and who work it through with a T (therapist) can get over it. The difficult part is that yes, it will take some concerted effort and patience. It takes a T who knows how to deal with it.

When my amnesia cleared when I was about 45, I learned that I was also a 12-year-old named Puffer. I went through a journey in getting over it. I have posted a lot about it here in MS.

Some things about it: Guys with it often become quite shy about it. A good source of information is the book: The Fractured Mind, by Robert Oxnam. It is an interesting and well-written book. Some books about it are quite dull. Yes there a bunch of guys here at MS who are working on the problem.




Edited by pufferfish (01/22/13 12:02 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.