I have only recently come to terms with having been abused as a child by a priest. I have always known something happened. I would have flashbacks but I always put it away. Never realizing it really is never gone. I am working with a therapist and beginning to feel better as I talk about what happened. But I have loss of time and have learned I was doing things or attempting to do things that put me in a similar abusive position. At times I came back in strange places I wanted to be abused by men and worshipped by womem. I am a heterosexual male and cannot understand why I would want to seek out actions that the abuser did to me. This other part of me scares me. Therapy is helping
It sounds as though you have dissociative identity disorder. The good part is that it is fully treatable. People who have this and who work it through with a T (therapist) can get over it. The difficult part is that yes, it will take some concerted effort and patience. It takes a T who knows how to deal with it.
When my amnesia cleared when I was about 45, I learned that I was also a 12-year-old named Puffer. I went through a journey in getting over it. I have posted a lot about it here in MS.
Some things about it: Guys with it often become quite shy about it. A good source of information is the book: The Fractured Mind
, by Robert Oxnam. It is an interesting and well-written book. Some books about it are quite dull. Yes there a bunch of guys here at MS who are working on the problem.