Unfortunately I have to deal with my husband’s perp more than I would care to (given that it’s his brother, and my husband and I are the only ones who knows the crimes he’s committed). The perp, being total f*ck up in life that he is, got a girl pregnant within weeks of knowing her. Not the first time he’s done it, but she is the first one who has been insistent on keeping it. The child is absolutely adorable, but of course in my mind I’m terrified he’s going to abuse the child.

The other brother remains unaware of everything that happened, and he has children of his own too – so I’m always cautious when the perp is around his niece and nephew. Today the perp walked out of the house with his nephew and I sprinted after him. I don’t think he would of done anything given it was a family event, but I wasn’t willing to risk it.

Anyway, are there strong statistics to show that a perpetrator will repeat such acts later in life with their own children? And given that I know the atrocities he’s carried out in the past, am I obligated to intervene in anyway? Or do I just have to keep a close eye on him like I always do?

love,
Try this resource;
http://www.nsvrc.org/contact/request-assistance

Statistics can show much information, but, let me ask, what would happen if you Did find support that suggested the perpetrator that hurt your husband could possibly hurt your niece and nephew. What would you do? How would you intervene? Could you disclose the abuse to the "other" brother, helping him to understand that his children are in danger? Would he believe you? Could you convince your husband now is the time to disclose to his family the abuse? Chances are they know something is already wrong, but they do not know what it is. Would they trust him?

Preparing to confront and disclose can be a rewarding experience, for the survivor, or it can crush the cathartic experience. There is a wonderful article that details the steps of this stage of recovery. http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

Finally, understand the burden that has been placed upon you, love. As the supporter, you may not have physical proof, and only one witness that can verify the account. This is a "he said, she said" accusation, and it can undermine your reliability if the survivor is not ready to disclose, or should the perp categorically deny it. Intervention is a difficult process, love, I am encouraged by your desire to protect potential targets of the perp, as well as supporting the survivor. Please plan out your steps, this kind of thing is best when the survivor is ready.

Be careful, plan you interventions and support carefully. You will be successful, but it is a process, as a marathon with checkpoints versus an all out sprint. Make sure your are clear about your actions so that you can continue to be a source of safety and encouragement.

Sam

Hi Sam,

Thank you again for another virtuous response. I certainly understand that I could never assume the right to disclose what my husband suffered. Particularly because, I first found out about my husband’s abuse from someone else (who told me a week into our courtship, and did so maliciously). And I was livid that this person had told me information that should have only come from him.
But thank you very much for those resources. I found the ‘preparing to confront and disclose’ article particularly helpful. I have previously asked my husband if he wanted to disclose to his other brother, at this stage he doesn’t, and I think that’s okay. Again, only he can make those decisions.

But the section on ‘confrontation with your perpetrator’ did make me think. Realistically my husband has never properly confronted his perpetrator. When I first asked my husband if he had ever confronted him he explained that years after the abuse had ended (and when my husband grown to be significantly bigger and stronger than his perp) – he threw him through a window. Similarly, he once got drunk and decided to tell his perp the effects the abuse has had on him. But again, not exactly a therapeutic confrontation. Perhaps in time, and under the right circumstances confrontation might be empowering and therapeutic to his healing. But I realise I just simply have to try and be the best supporter I can be.

Thank you again Sam..