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#369286 - 09/02/11 11:31 AM Porn
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Sometimes I'm slow. Today I just "got it"(I think) that the porn is not about sexual gratification. It's about anesthetizing. I needed to understand this distinction because I wanted to offer myself as a sexual outlet for him (which would be OK if it were about sex) but I KNOW I don't want to be a way for him to numb himself from whatever normally torments his mind (anymore than I probably am?). Survivors, is this a correct assessment?

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Wife of a survivor

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#369373 - 09/03/11 07:47 PM Re: Porn [Re: GoodHope]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((eldee)))

Sex, and porn, are a way for survivors to reenact the abuse triggers that impulsively control our bodies. Porn, imho, is a sick, degenerate medium that tears at the very fabric of love and respect. That it is such an addiction to survivors is testament to the extreme nature of the attacks perpetrated against us. It may take a non abused person several encounters with porn to begin to be overwhelmed by its depravity, while it takes a moment for a survivor to not only be absorbed in it, but to act out previous abuse acts by ourselves or with a partner.

Porn is unhealthy.

For gratification, for abuse controls, for anesthetizing or "numbing", for whatever reason, enabling acting out behavior that damages the survivor for whatever reason only serves to keep the survivor controlled.

Eldee, the survivor may be confused, feel rejected and destroyed by your not wanting to have sex with him. May I suggest securing an agreement between you and the survivor as to what you can both can be comfortable with in sexual relations? The act of sex may not be the issue, but certain positions with the sexual encounter may not be comfortable for you, not healthy for either of you.

As the supporter, know that any abrupt changes without speaking to the survivor may cause repercussions that can damage the relationship, and cause timidity or recession in the recovery.

Please consider any changes carefully, you have the right idea, please make it right for both of you, and thank you for supporting a fellow survivor.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#369394 - 09/04/11 03:57 AM Re: Porn [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Horraaay

You are one of the bright stars. You got it
I often lamented myself for sitting in front of the computer, doing my thing. Dealing with all the guilt made it worse. things like I'm such a sinner, I'm weak, I'm a little perv, why cant I be with my wife. a hundred things running through my mind but being in that moment, I could not stop.
I think there was a little self sabotage there to, the risky behavior of doing it while my wife was on the couch and I am just next door, she could walk in at any moment. Wanting to get caught but not wanting to be caught. Weird science this.

I hope your Husband is working as hard as you are at his own healing.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#369429 - 09/04/11 02:41 PM Re: Porn [Re: whome]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Eldee

Your post was very enlightning!

I need to agree with Sam. Regardless of the reason, in my opinion, porn retards the healing process. Its another secret to hold the survivor hostage.

I have found that porn that is viewed without the partners knowledge or consent becomes distructive in the relatioship (even a healthy one). Again regardless of the reason for viewing it, it forms a negative self image in the partner.

In order to rebuild my life I destroyed all his dvds, mags and computer images. It was so empowering!

His addictions and acting out don't need to become my illness.

Martin, I wish you well in connecting with your wife and leaving porn behind you.

Respect ourselves
Pie


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#369435 - 09/04/11 03:26 PM Re: Porn [Re: Pie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Ooooohhhh you all got me wrong.

I agree that porn is harmful and once I came out as a survivor, I left all that along with the rage behind me.
I agree with Eldee in the sense that, it is not the partners fault and she should thus not feel worthless or any less attractive because her spouse is a porn addict. It is an addiction just like Alcohol or drugs. If someone is addicted to those we don't let it impact on the wife's beauty or sexuality, do we? So why should his addiction to porn.

I think what Eldee meant "my interpretation" was that she used to let it make her feel less attractive and less sexual. She (or others) felt that they were not "worthy" of the husbands affection. BUT it is not that, It is the husband that is the problem here.
I agree that as long as the husband is still acting out, he cannot heal. It is the same if he were still drinking. He would not be able to heal if he were still an active alcoholic.
I do apologize if I got the post wrong, but I hope I got it right now?

Heal well all

martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#370873 - 09/23/11 08:47 PM Re: Porn [Re: whome]
zraver Offline


Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 31
Loc: Conway, Arkansas
I started looking at porn at age 10.... in the following 28 years porn, CSA, fear, splitting and other things have left my sexuality broken. When i think of porn now all I feel is revulsion for it. I know addictions don't give up easy and its going to be a fight, but I am tired of the false ideals.

_________________________
How can some stuff last so long and be so fresh and yet I can't have that memory for good stuff.

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