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#368065 - 08/13/11 04:20 PM Book Review: After the Affair by Janis Spring
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Michael Spring and Janis Abrahms Spring Ph.D.

This book is not about sexual abuse. I am writing a review of it because from what I've gathered from this site, affairs are something that will have to be addressed by a good portion of us as part of the acting out of the man we love.

This book was AWESOME for me. I read a few others that were not. The other books I read asked me to take on an inordinate amount of the blame and responsibility for the affair(s) (you know, the one(s) I DIDN'T HAVE!!) Anyway, this one offers practical insight into reclaiming or stepping away from your marriage. Dr. Spring is clear in explaining the feelings that accompany the betrayal (a relief because I thought I actually considered I might be crazy and physically felt the sickest I've ever felt while still being able to stand).

Many of the exercises she prescribes may not be do-able depending on where your spouse/partner is in their recovery process.

What I liked about the book is the clear, level headed, practical approach she takes to restoring a severely damaged relationship.

Because it isn't written for CSA partners, it does not address the unique challenges we can expect to face, but for a solid overview of rehabilitating a relationship, with concrete steps to move forward, if your spouse is willing to do the preliminary work, this is a good start.

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#368468 - 08/19/11 01:32 PM Re: Book Review: After the Affair by Janis Spring [Re: GoodHope]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
What is some of the preliminary work a spouse should do?


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#369056 - 08/29/11 02:29 AM Re: Book Review: After the Affair by Janis Spring [Re: surflife2007]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Sorry, I'm just now seeing this. I gave the book to a friend but preliminary steps include, renouncing the affair, honesty from this point forward. Where I feel my husband and I are most stymied is that he is not emotionally honest with himself. He can't bring himself to face any conflict, he withdraws into himself. His guilt is overwhelming (from the abuse and from the cheating on me) and it impacts his ability to share with me what he needs from our relationship - he doesn't feel like he deserves to be able to ask. Building trust is a huge part of moving forward in this book and so for our purposes, we are in a holding pattern. He is not in a place ot be able to take the steps necessary to engage with me in a healthy way. For the CSA person, this is not the fix it for your marriage, what made me appreciate it most is its validation of my experience. As my husband progresses, I hope to implement more of the strategies.

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