Newest Members
jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady, uvagrad4
12501 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
innocence (60), pablo999 (53)
Who's Online
4 registered (myrlin, 3 invisible), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12501 Members
74 Forums
64185 Topics
447890 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#369053 - 08/29/11 02:03 AM Emotional pain addiction
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
I have spent some time discovering myself and the part that I play in my husbands progress or lack thereof in his healing. I have also been searching my heart for the reasons that I choose to stay in such a distructive relationship. Could there be the possibility that I am emotionaly addicted to the pain I allow him to inflict upon me? Does this come from co-dependancy? I am still researching this idea but I was wondering if anyone else has some thoughts on emotional addiction? It then also opens up the thoughts to and this is meant in love and concern, could our partners be so entrenched in the pain inflicted onto them as children that they to are addicted to the emotional turmoil in their lives? Could this be a key in healing? Do we non survivours, or just myself, not see ourselves worthy of love and an emotionaly fullfilled life? Does the survivor not see themselves capable of been loved and cared for by those that have no intention of hurting them? Is it at all possible to let go the pain and embrace the here and now?

These are just some thoughts and questions that I am trying to understand. Any feedback would be great.

Wishing all on the site love and peace along your journey! smile


Top
#369055 - 08/29/11 02:06 AM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: Pie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pie

Quote:
Could there be the possibility that I am emotionally addicted to the pain I allow him to inflict upon me? Does this come from co-dependency?

Well yes!! The thing about codependency is that you are beaten down (verbally and mentally) till you have lost all sense of self. This then makes you feel worthless and unloved, but trapped in a relationship that you cannot get out of. The only thing you then have left is that you "LOVE" your husband, and do it for the children.
As long as you remain submisive to him he has no reason to change his behaviour.
I have found that a survivor will seldom turn to physical violence with HIS FAMILY. He might box other men for fun but wont hurt the family. So If you get some courage and learn to love yourself again, you will remove one of the tools that he uses to control his environment. He will then be forced to reevaluate his life and look at his abuse as a possible problem.
Quote:
could our partners be so entrenched in the pain inflicted onto them as children that they to are addicted to the emotional turmoil in their lives

No, in order to deal with the pain we feel, we need to control our environments,and that is why we behave like such assholes, and treat our families badly. This is a simplification, but more or less how it works
Quote:
Does the survivor not see themselves capable of been loved and cared for by those that have no intention of hurting them? Is it at all possible to let go the pain and embrace the here and now?

Survivors are afraid that if the loved ones know the truth they will think less of them. If you know what happened you might think I am a perv, or a child molester or gay or whatever, it is usually all crap but this is the truth that we have based our lives on.

Hope this helps, you need to start controlling your life and take back yourself.

Heal well
Martin



Edited by whome (08/29/11 02:24 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#369095 - 08/29/11 10:31 PM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Originally Posted By: whome
could our partners be so entrenched in the pain inflicted onto them as children that they to are addicted to the emotional turmoil in their lives

No, in order to deal with the pain we feel, we need to control our environments,and that is why we behave like such assholes, and treat our families badly. This is a simplification, but more or less how it works

Martin


Not to steal your thread, but this comment by Martin fascinates me. Martin, please expand on this!!!

Thank you!
D.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#369121 - 08/30/11 11:05 AM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: Disappointed]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
I would also appreciate an expandtion on this comment. Interesting point of view.

I would like to clarify that I have done so much growth that a lot of people admire the new, confident person I have become. But I am still only human and fall into the victim role once in a while. I do feel that even though we are partners and supporters of our loved ones who have suffered abuse, it does not mean that we do not deserve love and understanding from our partners. That afterall is one of the reasons we chose to marry.

Keep moving forward to a bright future, refrain from dwelling in the past.


Top
#369123 - 08/30/11 12:22 PM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: Pie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pie

I am glad that you are healing well and building the self confidence, keep it up you will need all the strength you can muster.
In explanation:
I found that I had several different persona's. There was the work me, the party me, the friend me, the sporty me, etc. I would do whatever I thought I had to, to fit in and be liked.

Problem with "playing" all these different persona's was that I needed a break sometime.
The only place I could do this was at home, in the environment that I controlled.
In this environment I was in charge and able to let the hair down and be the real me. The me that was angry, and pissed of with the world. The alcoholic me, the raged me, the porn addict me, the withdrawn and non intimate me.
So I controlled this place by manipulation fear and psychological and financial abuse.

Once my wife, the courageous one, started to get her act together, and get tough and self confident, she started to threaten this environment. I had two choices, pack up, or fix up.
I did not want to loose my wife, whom I trusted. she was the only one I felt safe with, (crazy way to show it) and I most certainly didn't want to loose my daughter, who always will mean the world to me.
So it was at this juncture that I finally decided to seek help, and heal
Hope this explains a little of what I meant and that it helps you a little

Heal well all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#369153 - 08/31/11 01:53 AM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: whome]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
That explains some of his behavior, but it does not explain why after two years of therapy and bookselves filled with referance books, he still uses his history as an excuse for everything that happens. The stronger I get the more he tries to hash up how bad it was and that its going to take many years to get over it. I don't expect healing to be completed in a matter of months, but he does seem to be holding on to past hurts. A couple of examples; he can't hold and hug me. He can't open up to me. He can't be intimate with me. He can't trust me. He has no relationship with the little ones. Yet he claims he loves me more than anything in life. He still takes any oppertunity he can to make our situation my fault. It makes no sense as to why I don't see progress in his mental state other than he is addicted to the pain and misery he has endured and kept secret most of his life. -f I tell him he is the only person that has to and can embrace the help and knowledge, he gets mad and says I have no clue what its like. He claims I am cold and heartless and yet I have sacrificed my exsistance to give him everything he could possibly desire.


Top
#369191 - 08/31/11 06:13 PM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: Pie]
4grace Offline


Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 6
Pie,
I am clearly new to this. Since the time of becoming aware of my husband's acting out and abuse, almost seven months ago, the two boundaries I have requested from him is "be faithful to our marraige vows" and "go to individual therapy". I have no promises of what our future might be, and was told by my therapist that recovery could take two to five years - that we may begin to see some healing take place within a year - but that changing behaviors and reconnecting to feelings is a slow uphill climb. I know how hard this is - I have great admiration and empathy for those, like myself, who love and support a survivor. It takes great patience which you have clearly shown, and although all relationships take work, being in a relationship with someone who is finding themselves, working through anger and hurt takes tremendous fortitude. I love my husband, I pray for healing, and hope for a future with him, but reading "sacrificing your existence" is a wake up call to me. I appreciate Martin's insight. And I hope you find ways to take care of while supporting him.

Blessings and Strength, 4grace


Top
#369223 - 09/01/11 09:08 AM Re: Emotional pain addiction [Re: 4grace]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pie

It could also be that he is batteling with the concept of recovery, or hasnt accepted that the abuse is part of the problem.
Situation sounds to me like he is not facing the past or embracing the healing of therapy.

Let me know how it goes

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.