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#369032 - 08/28/11 04:50 PM Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
The following is a letter to the editor of the NY Times and was not written about CSA, but in response to an article discussing privacy vs. secrecy. I read it an immediately thought of us in the CSA family (supporters and survivors).

To the Editor:

Metaphorically, secrecy and privacy meet at a door: on one side is dignity, and on the other, fear. Secrets always live in fear. More practically, the body never lies: if one holds a significant personal secret, the body will experience tension wherever we somatize our fears.

We need only pay attention to our bodies when contemplating the withheld material: if we have a “cramp,” a tightening of the breath, a churning of the stomach, a headache, for example, we are likely motivated by fear. We may have to hold secrets, since our fears may be realistic, but we are better served knowing why we do it in case they are not.

REGAN McCARTHY
Truro, Mass., Aug. 21, 2011

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#369035 - 08/28/11 06:23 PM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: GoodHope]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
This is interesting because in the last few years, I've really learned to listen to my "gut," which often means listening to my body. If something made my chest tighten, made me sick to my stomach, etc, and no amount of reasoning would make it better long term, then I knew there was something definitely wrong about whatever made me feel this way. It's important that we listen to our bodies.


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#369052 - 08/29/11 01:49 AM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Eldee

Gee you are relentless, all the info you post on this site, it is great don't stop. Knowledge is power, and power is victory.
I love this letter it is so true. Secrets do reflect in our bodies. I carried my secret for so long, that I have to Physically will myself to relax all the time. If Im sitting watching a movie and I stop and focus, my shoulders are hunched and tense, so I have to breath and relax them. It has for me become such a habit, its horrible.

Thanks for the post Eldee, it is great.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#369058 - 08/29/11 02:53 AM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
LOL! I figure if I'm reading it anyway, and it may help someone, may as well post it. Plus, I try not to inundate my husband with what I am reading since I tend to be obsessive in the initial stages (you should have seen our bookshelves and even our DVR list when I was pregnant with our first child!). At least in forums, you have a choice to click, read on and/or ignore. He is not as fortunate since our interactions are mostly face to face!

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#447089 - 09/13/13 09:06 AM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: GoodHope]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3131
Loc: O Kanada
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447107 - 09/13/13 10:42 AM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: GoodHope]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I found it intersting what one of the letters said about secrets being one of the first ways a child can assert individuality from others. "I know something you don't know."

After I was raped 4 years ago, I kept it a secret from my wife, and from everyone else who hadn't already known (medical personnel, law enforcement)

When every conceivable sense of control is taken from you during a rape sometimes a secret is the only control you have left. It's the only thing you can keep to yourself, that is yours, and no one can take from you. It is no wonder survivors hold on to secrets for years, sometimes decades.

In literature aimed at survivors and their spouses, often secrets are thought of as a Very Bad Thing. Of course disclosure can be a very good thing, it can build bridges of understanding and intimacy but unfortunately the reality for many survivors is that it can create even more alienation and animosity. It can burn bridges when you tell people who can't handle the truth. Not everyone you tell is going to know what to say. Once you tell someone, you can't control who tells. My wife swore up and down she would never tell anyone, and you know what? I heard her telling her best friend over the phone what happened to me. I was angry at her for weeks.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#447119 - 09/13/13 01:39 PM Re: Privacy vs. Secrecy--NY Times letter to the editor [Re: CruxFidelis]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3131
Loc: O Kanada
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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