I have been dreading this step, but honestly I feel as though God is calling me to it. There are some resentments, allot of resentments which I have held on to for so many years. I know there are faults which need to be addressed and I am ready to review them also, my fears are something which I feel I have a good grasp on, so going over them won't be hard for me. The sexual injury is where I dread going through. Sexually, I have been screwed up since I can remember.I already know what wrong I did in my marriage nearly 2 years ago was wrong, but its a secret I have held onto and don't want to let go of. What I did could not only end my marriage, but it could also seriously mentally tear down my wife as well. I know what I did was wrong even if it wasn't an ongoing thing. I also know that if I hadn't have been drinking and using I would have never done what I did either, but that doesn't make it any better and it won't make it any difference to her either.
What did I do you ask? I acted out sexually with other men. Something which I would have never done sober and something I will never do again.
Again, I know none of this excuses what I did, but revealing what I did will not only ruin my marraige, but also hurt my wife greatly.
I want to make amends to my wife by being the husband she needs and that means living sober and giving her love and support as well as being someone she can always count on. Besides what I've done I have always been those things to her and never want to break that.
I don't want to tell her and don't plan on telling her what I did. I have had a life of disappointments and lows and since being with her beisdes my period with addictions, life has been good and I have for the first time experienced joy that I never knew would ever exist in my life.
Thanks for letting me rant. Please feel free to comment as I could use some support right now. I have been bearing this secret for too long and needed to get it out.

Dont be so hard on yourself man. Acting out is a normal part of survivors lives. I was sexually abused by my father and suffered emotional incest by my mother and I have been acting out with women for years. No protection..just pure lust and sex...its a path that leads to destruction. Are you in theraphy? if not its a good idea to start! It will be up to you if you want to tell your wife or not...nobody is in your shoes but you. I know firsthand how lies and decption can ruin a relationship. My wife found an email I sent to a friend bragging about the women I cheated on her with. She found it and left me. I was the asshole so I deserved it but unconciously I hate women because of my mother so I hurt them before they can hurt me. You obviously love your wife so do what you can to keep her man! PM me anytime you want!

Not to take lightly what you said at all but you're on the 4th step and not the 9th step. We do the steps we're on. The reason that they are in order is that each step prepares us for the next step so that we are ready to do the next step.

What you've written out here today is your fears and they should go on your fear inventory. Don't worry about step 9. If you do these steps as you are doing, you will be a different, changed person when you are ready to make amends. You're view of your amends will change.

Write this stuff out as fears. I did a very thorough 4th step, dug deep down, got it out and made changes. I have over two years of sobriety and I keep working at getting better. I believe my higher power helps me recover in all areas of my life including my sexual abuse.

One more thing: are you putting more on her than she deserves? Meaning, are you adding in your shame of acting out with men to your guilt about cheating? If it was with other women, would you feel different? Its not simple but continue to do your 4th step searchingly, FEARLESSLY, and thoroughly and you will gain greater clarity and that will help a lot.

Good advice from Ed. Keep writing. I think you are right in saying that God called you to do this work and He will show you the way. Just trust in Him and take it one step and one day at a time. If you continue to do the work you will receive the fruits of your labor. I think the 5th step will help you a lot as well but be thorough with your 4th step. Being honest with yourself and another and with God (who already knows everything anyway) is your path to freedom. The truth shall set you free and God will reveal more to you each day. Be patient with yourself, the process and with God.

Sironsea:

I have just completed step one and congratulate you for moving through step 4. It takes a lot of courage to squarely face ourselves and perform a truthful, accurate assessment.

If it helps, I too struggle with the future point of disclosure with my wife. At the present time, I park this on the shelf.

However, for step 4, it is my understanding that you disclose to someone who understanda the step process. It would be unfair to disclose to our wives with out them having the context of our abuse and the resulting struggles, fear and
shame which we numb through acting out.

It would be a great help if you got some coaching from professionals who have experience in dealing with men suffering from sexual abuse.

Hang tough,

Peter

Hey Man:

You are doing courageous work-it is the hardest thing most of us ever do, in my experience=face ourselves and our failings.

and it is one step at a time: what you are building with this Step Four is a foundation that will serve you the rest of your life. Don't worry about disclosure or amends now: those steps come later and there is a lot of guidance out there, particularly in AA literature.

I hid from practicing this level of honesty and inventory for a number of years after I got sober. My sex conduct spun out of control-fear did not serve me well at all, and almost cost me my marriage and family years into sobriety.

Eventually it all blew up and I had to face my sexxual issues as well-I found that the truth will set you free; but it usually takes a lot of courage or pain to face the truth.

Keep posting your work and experience with recovery here, men care for you and need to hear from your example.