Hi Doc

I have recently felt guilty about having fantasies about having two woman, one of which is usually my wife, while we are making love. Fantasies of other woman, were what I used as a defense to deal with my CSA. I would always imagine being with two woman whilst the perp was busy, so that the effect would zone me out of there.
Problem is that this has carried over into my marriage of 22 years, and has finally gotten to the point that it is affecting me.
Because of my healing and recovery, I made a pact with my wife that there would be no more lies. Whilst this can be a good thing, it does backfire sometimes, like when she asks me what I think of when we make love. My first instinct is to lie to her, but we did make a deal. So I told her. She now wants to know who I think of. I don't want to tell her in case I give her a complex, cause they are mostly stick thin, and after a baby, her body is.... well what a mothers body should be. It is not That I don't desire her or don't love her, it is just that for so long I have used this to get through sex.
I cant perform if this is denied me and I don't want to hurt her and lie.
Is there a way, that I can redirect my thoughts to her, and lose the old friends that accompany me to bed? And will I be able to get rid of the performance anxiety?
I hope that this is enough info.

Thanks for your response, I look forward to your answer.

Martin
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Hi Martin,

In all the readings and research I have done, I have not found ways to lose the fantasies which we have and get rid of them. We can, however, add new ones which can diminish the ones we have now.

I would question what is wrong with having the fantasies which you have? It is not uncommon for those who range from healthy sexuality to those with sexual trauma histories to fantasize about other people. I am more concerned with the meaning you have attached to the fantasies rather than the actual fantasies. I hear that you are concerned with the content and that is normally what I hear from my clients.

Men and women have the right to a separate sexuality that does not include a spouse or partner. It isn't pathological, even if it is from sexual abuse, to have various fantasies and desires.

Your concern about your fantasies and your wife's preoccupation with what you are thinking might be what is causing you to be an "observer" in the bedroom and can cause men to not be able to perform as a result.

I recommend talking to your wife and finding out what her concerns are about you having these fantasies. Usually women are worried that if you are fantasizing about someone else it means you are not as interested in her. This is often an erroneous belief with the truth being that what the man fantasizes about is separate from his sexual interest in his wife and has nothing to do with her at all.

Women also fantasize about other men sexually and romantically. Women often watch romantic comedies, read romance novels and imagine they are with different partners or that their husbands were more like the romantic men in the novels and movies. There is nothing wrong with that either.

We cannot be everything to a partner, sexually or otherwise.

Healthy conversations about sex and fantasies demand honesty and for partners to listen with empathy and not try to manage the other.

Novelty is key in sex and can help you add other fantasies and desires by introducing them to your wife and talking about them and then, perhaps, acting them out.

Good books to read about healthy sex lives with a partner are by Barry McArthy.

Warmly,

Dr. Kort

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