made sense to me. thanks for the feedback.

trigger warning.....

loss of innocence & control?

I've been practicing making youtube videos. One day you're going to hear the things I wanna say right from my ugly face.

But yeah, those are very interesting thoughts. I have always had trouble with the phrase "losing my innocence". I mean, do I have to be guilty now, somehow? It had always been my understanding that it's criminals who should be guilty, and feel guilt, and stop qualifying for "innocence". Do I deserve to be grouped in with criminals just because I got raped? I don't think so. At the very least you could say that the English language isn't promoting healing there. They should really call it something else.

Aaaand.. power. I'm hesitant to talk about a raped child as having somehow more power than he or she appears to have had. I know that's what abusers tell each other. That although they control the sex thing, the child controls whether they end up in jail or not. Which only makes sense if you completely ignore the psychological level of control the abuser has over the child.

But I recognize the thoughts you're having and I've had them plenty of times myself, sometimes accompanied with mad laughter.. I'm not sure whether it's true that we eventually become somehow empowered by our rotten experiences, but I'm sure trying to make it true!

And yes, I believe I'm capable of manslaughter. Not the innocent, but give me genuine evil and a perfect opportunity and... But of course the tricky part is that evilness is hard to measure in practice, and no opportunity to strike is completely perfect. In reality they'd have to directly oppose me to make me want to consider the risk. Otherwise I'll coexist peacefully, even with people who score high on evilness.

i've been seriously thinking of ending the vlog series...

been doing this for several months now... not sure on which way to go, if it is even helping....

idk... been feeling really lost lately....

thanks to anyone who has replied... it's appreciated...

I think that we, as survivors, are more prone than non-survivors to react to positive feedback by feeling that somehow we become obligated. It's the result of a very typical way of how many of us have been psychologically manipulated as children. We had to make them happy, you know? And that pattern tends to spread, like a disease, infecting all kinds of parts of our life.

A lesson I value enormously is that some things just have to grow out of themselves. Making vlogs is an excellent example, I think. It's about expressing yourself and your thoughts. If someone happens to like the end result, well that's great, but that doesn't have to be the prime focus. In fact, oftentimes the result is better when pleasing others is not the prime focus! Personal expression is funny like that.

There's really no need to commit to making videos regularly, nor to commit to a definite halt. Just make vlogs whenever you feel like, Obi. If you happen to have little inspiration, that's perfectly OK, those phases are part of the journey too. And if you do happen to have inspiration, we'll be here to enjoy the end result. It's that simple.

just got back from a trip to disney world. here are my thoughts on how it affected me...

Glad to hear you had a good time Todd. We all need indulge are selves from time to time even if it means eating ramon noodles for a couple of weeks.

I love hearing about you and grumpy. I enjoy hearing what sort of characters people relate to.

here is the link to my newest video. for some reason i can't get it to post a thumbnail. anyway, i'm sharing my pain in this one...



TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


[video:youtube]http://youtu.be/vFQd1ofCowM[/video]

My fraternal brothers,

Todd (obi) & I have talked about this issue off and on for the past 9 months.

But, i'm of no practical help for him on this issue about female relationships.
Sounds rather odd isn't it? Here is a gay boy/man. A boy of 8 yrs old who always wished that his "mom" was dead.

A boy who never had an emotional/mental connection to girls
or women. How could he? He hated all women, never having anything to do with them. With the exception of a very few in his youth. Still never ever bonding with them.

A gay boy/man who always knew that he was never ever meant to have been married.

But, he did have an affair with the married woman that he got pregnant. He eventually married her. She gave him 100% of herself.
I gave her nothing in return. I just didn't know how.

So how does a gay boy/man who gets married, has kids & grand kids in an emotional, mental bond with them? But gets into an emotionless marriage?

Then here is an individual who has feelings for females. But just can't seem to be able to overcome his issues described in his video.
A decent person, a kind person, a person who sees his siblings in marriages and having children. And a strong desire to have that kind of life too.

How do these things happen? I can feel his pain. But i cannot help him in any way, with the exception of offering him my....
Compassion, understanding & hope.

I hope this makes sense.

Wishing you well in healing & life, my brother, obi.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.