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#36852 - 01/24/03 12:36 PM Violence and addiction
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I dont know if I am doing this right, but I have a real issue that I do not know how to deal with nor do my doctors. When I was a small child I was repeatedly beaten by on umcles and grandfathers. My father was overseas during WW2. When he came home he did the same. I ran away from home many times. When I was 16 my father sent me to military school. I was abused by 3 upper classmen for 9 months; this included rape and a whole lot of violence. My body betrayed me then. I purposely flunked out and went to live on the streets in our nations capital (Ottawa) I did not know who to confide in. At 17 I went to a counselor at the YMCA and he told me to get over it and that it was probably my fault anyway. This is what my abusers also told me. I decided then that if his was my lot in life I might as well get into it in a big way and I became a male prostitute in Ottawa catering to the violent element. I also turned to drugs including HEROIN. I must say that I was attracted to the violent part of it. I have been clean since being 22 years of age; now 63. I have a wilfe of 35 years and a beautiful daughter who both know my past. Dduring my marriage I have constantly had a craving for violence and tha pain that came with it; and i suppose the humiliation too, and to not be in control. I would seek it out until it left me. To compensate for this I took up mountainbiking, inline skating, inline hockey etc. I get a rush from the pain that happens on occasion. It is however, not the same. The rush is diferent. How do I cope with this. It is driving me totally around the bend. It seems the longer I go without it the more it beckons. I am currently on 300mg of Welbutrin and 74 of Effexor. Has anybody dealt sucessfully with this issue. Please help, Thanks . PS I have been in AA since I was 36. \:\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#36853 - 01/24/03 12:47 PM Re: Violence and addiction
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
welcome, and thanks for sharing. i understand, because there is part of me that likes being humilated and punished as part of sex. as for a solution, well i am afraid i can't offer much. for me i identified such things as unhealthy, and i simply don't allow myself to dwell on it. if i catch thoughts of those things in my mind, i change to subject of my thinking to something else. i remind myself that it isn't healthy for me, and just keep doing those things until i get my mind on something else. as far as any way to errase those things from inside me, i dont know of any. it has been more learning to live the best i can, and adhere to things that are good for me.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#36854 - 01/24/03 12:57 PM Re: Violence and addiction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike
I was also an adreniline junkie, although I got mine from acting out dangerously - in very public places.
And I have often said that the build up, the acting out, was a better rush than cocaine and I had perfected the technique of making it last for 10 or 12 hours.

And I'd be a liar if I said I dont miss that kind of rush.
But I don't miss the acting out with other men.

I'm 49, and like you still need the rush of some kind. So I do Off Road 4x4 Trials, it's a competitive thing, extreme driving in modified vehicles. I'm on my roof in rivers more times than I can remember.
But the rush doesn't come close.

You also mention the need for humiliation, which is where my high risk acting out came from.
I took such risks, and the humiliation of getting caught giving BJ's in public places is huge.
It was like a wave, with the risk at the peak and the humiliation at the bottom.
Thankfully my wave is barely a ripple now.

I believe my calm has come about mainly through therapy, and the realization that I was going to crash and burn if I didn't do anything.
In the end I just scared myself shitless with the way I was acting out, and I knew that if I did get caught I would lose everything. Some kind of 'sudden rush of common sense' told me I was completly out of control with two choices, sink or swim.

I took swimming lessons.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#36855 - 01/24/03 09:08 PM Re: Violence and addiction
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks for the advice. I feel very comfortable being here. I try to not let the feeling build up but it seems I cannot control it. It comes in my mightmares my daydreams and gets bigger and bigger. I can control it now by doing things that will give me a total rush. Sometimes I drive way too fast. Other times I punish myself inline skating or crashing down a hillside through the bush. I know I am not that 16year old boy but a part of me wants to be him. I feel cheated and robbed. But instead of having fun like I really want to I attack anything that gives me a rush in almost a destructive manner. The feelings just overwhelm me. Logically I know I am putting myself at risk but my reaction is always the same no matter how hard I try to avoid it or ignore it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#36856 - 01/27/03 02:22 PM Re: Violence and addiction
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Thanks for the post, Mike. I just started here Friday, And this is me me me. If you find a solution tell me I am freaking out.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#36857 - 01/27/03 06:09 PM Re: Violence and addiction
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I have been trying to find a solution for 6 years and it is driving me crazy too. I do know that I talk to my doctor a lot about it. It is really just one more addiction I have to overcome. Just like drinking, heroin, cigaretts and food. I have taken up dangerous sports, snowboarding mountainbiking and iline hockey. I need the rush it gives me. When I get hurt there is an incredible rush but I have found another one that is less destructive. When I make it down the trail on my bike, seemingly against all odds, I get a rush too but it is a different one. The rush is that I did it. WOW. I will keep you informed. I also have adhd and am getting some new medicine that will sort of give me the ability to concentrate that I really need to have.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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