I am a heterosexual male who was abused from
The age of 5 to the age 15. Ive had a porn addiction for as long as I can remember and I do not like watching straight gay porn. It's a serious turn off. I like watching guy on girl, and girl on girl. But I really like watching shemale porn. That is my favorite type to watch. However after I orgasm I feel like crap and promise myself I'll never watch it again because of the way it makes me feel, but I do it again and again. I am so attracted to them. I was wondering why and this is leading me to question my sexuality. Should I be worried as a married man that this may cause me to actually act out with a transsexual.

I think its pretty well established that people don't turn gay or lesbian. They just are or they aren't. That said, sexuality isn't as compartmentalized as society leads us to believe either. Rather, it is on a spectrum or a continium, so even though you identify as heterosexual there's a chance that the needle isn't completely off the scale concerning your "straightness", so to speak. I believe such absolutes to be rare for anybody, whether they identify as completely straight or gay I mean. I think the real question for you has nothing to do with with your orientation but rather a sexual behaviour that you find shameful and feel the need to keep a secret. I don't think viewing porn in itself is shameful per se. However, if your hiding a side of yourself from your wife for fear that she wouldn't accept it then that's an issue. JS

Jls, if I can sate an opinion? Your saying two things at the same time. Your saying either your gay or not and that sexuality is on a continuum and everyone is somewhat bi. I agree with your second statement. That being said I def believe conditioning and imprinting come into play big with our sexuality, you cN create homosexual imprints if you masturbate non stop to gay porn and keep making positive associations to that kind of sex or men. It's what you focus on and give power to. Especially for those of us sexually abused as children by caregivers. Those imprints last forever. If that kind of porn worries you then stop watching it and try spending more romantic nights with the mrs

ask yourself why do you feel guilt and shame for watching the porn. sexual lust are never satisfied it wants and desires more and more . it will have you looking and doing things you never thought possible. it always gets deeper and deeper sexual lust never is quenched . if you would like to chat about it message me i will be able to explain more . why the porn is a problem for you and for so many others . after over 10yrs of being addicted to it and watching myself getting deeper and more sick and twisted into it my deliverance came a year ago. if you are interested in how let me no

this is a struggle and i still wan to fall back into the temptation i wrote this the other day it can also be found in the poetry section , it was not just about porn it was also about the same sex attraction i have it is called

confliction in my flesh




WARING FOR MY SOUL TO WIN THE BATTLE WITHIN
THE STRUGGLE SO DEEP AND DARK
WARING THIS BATTLE OF FORBIDDEN LUST
I NO WHAT SIDE NEEDS TO WIN
I NO THAT THIS WAR RAGING INSIDE IS FOR MY SOUL
THERE IS SOME SENSE OF PEACE BUT IT IS A FALSE PEACE
THE CONFLICTION BETWEEN THE 2 SIDES IS A STRENGTH
AND A WEAKNESS CONFLICTING
RAGING WAR AGAINST ONE ANOTHER
THE BATTLE RAGES DAILY THERE IS NO ESCAPING THE BATTLE
I SUITE UP DAILY MY MIND CARRIES THE THOUGHTS
THE THOUGHTS WANT TO MATERIALIZE SO THE BATTLE RAGES
THE FIGHT CONTINUES FOR MY SOUL FOR MY PEACE
THE STRUGGLE THE ENEMY KNOWS MUCH HE HAS MUCH TO EXPLOIT
THERE HAS BEEN GIVEN MUCH AMMUNITION HE KNOWS THE LAYOUT
HE KNOWS THE WEAKNESS YET THE BATTLE STILL MUST BE WON
SO I SUITE UP YET AGAIN EXPECTING VICTORY
THE THOUGHTS MAY COME BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT
I WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE MY LUMPS
I AM WORTH IT I AM WORTH THE FIGHT MY SOUL IS WORTH IT
FOR THIS IS ONLY A SHADOW OF THE THINGS TO COME
FOR I WILL STAND VICTORIOUS AT THE END OF THE WAR
YES SOME BATTLES LOST BUT THE WAR FOR MY SOUL
ULTIMATELY WON IN THE END

thoughts do tend to materialize so in my opinion it is only a matter of time if you stay in the place long enough the flesh will want what it desires sooner or later . i can testify to this i finally gave in and picked up the perfect guy i would fantasize about younger looking around 19 or 20 and played out my fantasy when i was like 23 or 24 . i toyed with the idea for a long time . i did it and after i felt shame and guilt on a whole other level
i knew i would never do it again , the fantasy i created was nothing like the real thing . And if you think you feel terrible just looking and not tasting than i can not even begin to tell you the feelings you will have if you actually act out on these fantasies take it from me it is not not all it is cracked up to be.

but like i said the flesh is never satisfied especially when it comes to lust. And you being married will only make it way worse at least i was not married or even seeing anyone at the time of my experience . Just thought i would be open and honest about it because if it will save you a lot of pain and shame than it was worth it . peace to you

Seabee:

I so understand where you are man... I self designate as straight, married with kids and was abused from about 6 or 7 until 13 or 14.

Often, the draw to porn which is opposite of our self designation is an attempt to numb the pain of the past abuse. It isn't necessarily an indication of our sexual preference. I believe that is a seperate issue for many of us.

Sometimes it is merely an attempt to change the outcome of the abuse..... reliving it trying for a different outcome or an attempt to control past events in the present. Tough stuff...

If you have not read the book Victims No Longer, run, don't walk to download or order it. It will help you to begin to make sense of the impact the abuse has had on you as an adult. It made a world of difference to me. It helps us to connect the dots.

I have not read it yet, but our own Ken Singer has a new book out: Evicting the Perpetrator: A Male Survivor Guide to Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse.

Check out our bookstore: http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html

This isn't a commercial, we need all the help we can get and these two authors know what they are talking about.

Safe Journeys,

Peter

“If that kind of porn worries you then stop watching it and try spending more romantic nights with the mrs”

Umm, from my post I don’t know where you gathered that transsexual porn or any other kind of porn involving consenting adults worries me. If you go back and read what I wrote I clearly said that I don’t think viewing porn in itself is shameful per se. Like millions of men and women I view porn on occasion and don’t feel the least bit conflicted about it. However, obviously the creator of this thread does feel conflicted about it or he wouldn’t have said that he promises himself that he’ll never watch it again and feels like crap when he does it anyway, and that he is worried about how it may negatively affect his marriage. In response I merely commented that feeling ashamed about one’s behaviour as well as feeling the need to keep it a secret from a significant other can create problems in a person’s life. Would you not agree? In a nutshell, porn in itself is not the problem. It’s how he feels about it in his life that may be. JS