Doug,

So glad to have you as a part of this forum.


Daryl

Hi Doug,

I appreciate your honest & comprehensive account of how hard you have worked to restore your identity. I am really impressed with the direct way you confronted the abduction/assault and the exhaustive inventory you took of its after-effects. I think I have written about this in other posts but I haven't been able to write down or understand all that happened with the assault and all its effects. I can think about minute details and get lost in a detail but grasping the whole thing, I think my sense of self would probably collapse. Needless to say I am impressed and inspired.

There are things in your post that I will probably never understand simply because we are on different paths, but I still have a lot of respect for you. Right now I am in a place where I feel like I have so little control over my life. I spend my days doing what others want me to do and I don't even know how to go about turning things around. I used to be a very decisive man, who valued being intentional in everything he did. People expect that when they talk to me. They think they are talking to the old Pete. That's not who they are getting. I don't know how to have authentic relationships without disclosing because otherwise it seems like the whole friendship is a lie. Yet I don't feel comfortable disclosing to my male friends. So what I have to do is shut them out or if that doesn't work, push them away until they want out. What you posted here does remind me that although we could not control what happened to us, we still have control over who we become. Perhaps when/if I rediscover who I am I can have friendships again.

Hey CF,
Sorry to LOL.. but as l pondered a smart reply, because l relate to the change in personality, l remembered last year at my older brothers home.
I said something pathetic and Ol Danny said, "What happened to the old Doug, the one who was always doing something and wanted to kick my ass all the time!"
l told him back something like o'kay l'll kick your butt if you think it'll make me feel better.

We had a good laugh then kinda quiet.
I think it was the massive depression and sorrow that dented my ego, esteem and self- image. I felt and looked awful. Wasting is the medical term and l had gone from 205lbs to 150's in three years. Doctors accused me of being on meth/crack, plus l was homeless. I moved over 34 times that second and third year, vacant homes and empty churches too.
This is the fourth year after disclosure and the gooder days outnumber the worser days. Still a lot of Nite Owl habits and PTSD events, but when l challenged the depression l began to sorta glow.
Friends noticed and so did casual daily contacts. l'm up to 184lbs and eating good. But like once a month l get loose and need adjustments. Seems like too much for anyone to see and off to the lockdown again.
Just two weeks ago l had a bad one.
So now what??? Does it ever end, l hope so and l am willing to do whatever to maintain happiness.
Decided to move to Orchid Land Hawaii on the Big Island. Fly out ofPortland Oregon tomorrow morning in the 19th.
Was there for three weeks a month ago. l met a crew of Veterans there and have a little jungle hut off grid.
If it's not fun, l'm done.

I avoided this topic = edited due to lack of forum safety and privacy

This is something that's been brought up with my T as well. He thinks part of the difficulty with speech on certain topics is related to this... it'll be explored a little more on the next session, we didn't really have time this last session.

But I have a feeling I have dissociated a LOT. What we think at the moment, that what I report as 'shutting down', might be straight up dissociating. I just zone out completely. Thousand yard stare.