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#367590 - 08/07/11 01:20 AM stay or go
witsend Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 5
So I have been reading for a while, and find a solace here that I don't get elsewhere. But I am at a crossroads and don't know where to turn.
I started dating a csa about 2 years ago. He has also been an active addict during this time. We actually broke up, and then moved in together about 18 months ago. He has told me that I am the best friend he has ever had, and that I am the only person he trusts. But he doesn't really trust me, at least not with the truth. I have forgiven his more than most would have, and have given him money and safety - all in an attempt to show that he can trust me. He has started with various therapies and whenever he touches the edge of the pain his addictions rear their head. And I stay.

At times I have felt like nothing but a bank machine. At times like his mother. But I see such a great man in so much pain. And we do have some good times together. But that seems to have changed about 8 weeks ago. He was having night terrors and started using drugs and became angry in a way that only drugs can make you. And we lost alot of trust between us. Then he came into some money, and now he seems to want me out of his life. One minute he's happy, next he's crying. It is one big mess.

He is trying so hard to do the right things. He started back in a 12 step program, working with a new therapist. But he says that I am making him miserable trying to control him blah blah blah. All of a sudden I am the root of everything wrong. And the next minute he's planning for good things for the two of us.

I think I am losing my mind. And I am so angry, so very angry. I don't want to react in anger, I keep trying to forgive. But I think we may have crossed a line we can't go back from. I don't know if he is pushing me away out of fear that I am leaving (I have told him I am going to move to another city), or if I really am the root of the problem (I have my own abandonment issues and am in recovery myself).

Looking for an outside opinion from the wisdom I have seen on these boards.


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#367596 - 08/07/11 05:27 AM Re: stay or go [Re: witsend]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Witsend
Wow what a tough situation. Sorry you are going through this.
You need to start looking at this really really hard. You need to start making decisions based on your OWN WELFARE AND FUTURE.
Witsend, I am assuming that you are young? You have your whole life ahead of you, so you need to decide what you have to do FOR YOURSELF. Not for him, not for his well being but for YOU.
If the boyfriend is still an addict, you are empowering him in his addiction, by giving him money.
Giving an addict money is the very WORST thing that you can do. an addict will only stop using when he hits his own ROCK BOTTOM. Nobody knows where this is, he will only find it when He gets there.
Please stop enabling him. If he gets a bad dose of drugs and dies, you will blame yourself.
Addicts are master manipulators, and will manipulate all until they get what they want.

If he is off the drugs then he is still trying to control things, and keep you attached through playing the sympathy card. This is a very difficult situation.

You need to set up Boundaries, and if these are crossed then you need to leave this relationship. The boundries must be, YOU go to therapist for the CSA, and stay of the drugs or ANY OTHER VICE, and I will support you. You break the rules I'm outa here.
If you want to help him, get him to a CSA support group in your area, or get him onto the male survivors site.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you ned to hear the truth.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#367645 - 08/07/11 10:55 PM Re: stay or go [Re: whome]
witsend Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 5
Thanks so much for responding Martin. It can be hard to express how good it is to know that others can relate. I am actually old enough to know better:) - early forties. But this guy has really hooked me. And knowing his csa stories and holding him while he cries make me so protective of him. I want to protect him from his pain and his experience, and I can't ~ no matter how much we both want me to.

Since this money thing came up everything that had been we has become an I and it has been more than a little difficult. So I don't know whether that has to do with family of origin behaviors or that he really does want to end things (sometimes he has a hard time letting himself out of the box)

Either way, you are 100 per cent correct in your assessment and I do need to take care of me. I just worry that "hope" is just around the next bend and I don't want to give up before the miracle happens.

Jennifer


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#367650 - 08/07/11 11:53 PM Re: stay or go [Re: witsend]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have felt I am in/was in a similar situation, minus him living with me or me giving him money. I did feel enabling at other times, though. It IS so hard because you do feel compassion (which many people lack in these situations). I know that feeling of maybe, just maybe the "miracle" happening...him getting help or whatever. Someone gave me some good advice recently. They said that there are a lot of things one can try to make things better, but the thing that seems to work the very best is taking care of ourselves. It seems that when we do that, things fall into place with other people, and even if they don't, we still have ourselves and haven't lost EVERYthing. But I will not minimize the difficulty of the situation...I ache for you and other supporters who want so badly to help. I ache for myself. PM me anytime.


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#367779 - 08/09/11 01:41 PM Re: stay or go [Re: witsend]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hope is around the corner, she answered the post, Hehehehehe.

Problem is Jen (if you don't mind) That there is only Hope if he is trying to heal. If he isn't trying then there is only pain for you. And this pain is going to play into other aspects of your life, such as your financial security. Trust me if he continues to use, he will deplete you in a very short time.
The other point is that, He cannot heal if he is still using, or drinking. These substance dull the emotions, and the emotions need to be real to deal with the CSA.
Sorry to tell you this but I think you are heading down a path of lots of pain. Think carefully about the next move. It must be your Choice.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368172 - 08/15/11 01:07 PM Re: stay or go [Re: whome]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
Not that you want to hear this, but... Run. Sounds like you have an unhealthy dynamic going with you enabling his behaviors. Two years isn't that much time to waste. Ten years from now if this is still going on it won't be cute anymore. Also, it might be endearing to hold him when he cries but if that's happening more often than rarely then you're not a girlfriend you're a therapist with boundary issues. Unfortunately he wasn't in the shape for a relationship when you got in one with him. Everyone goes through ups and downs while in relationships and has a right to support from their significant other. But it's not fair to you if he's always in a "down" and you don't get reciprocity.

But what the hell do I know? I'm just a dude on the internet trying to work through his own shit.


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