Hi Anthony, I'm not sure I ever knew what a " sex life" was without it always being interrupted with fucking illogical, and disruptive thoughts...I mean, my wife is given me a blow job, and you would think, this is a bit of heaven and she heartily swallows:).I'm thinking, got to pay this bill, kids need this done , car needs oil, l, I can forget about the world around me for probably less than 5-6 seconds, then it all comes back to reality, and other disturbing shit. I can't say that I've actual ever fantasized about getting fucked or fucking a guy , and when I think about taking a load in my mouth, i just want to barf. There was one time before I was married, when I felt such passion it was carnal, but it was unfinished and then disappeared, and I'm not talking with a lady either
making love with my wife is a chore now, another thing I need to do a need or a
necessity. I'm so fucked up.

Using way to much provigil, and I'm on klonopin and suboxone for a opiod problem I have- had, whatever...wifey is a denial alcoholic, went through treatment, but still drinks. The thing is, I really love her, I mean I have cut myself off from everyone, i have no friends, zero, and my life consists of work, trying to fix up this shit hole that i bought at the height of market, and if you want to see an uncertain man really struggle with his identity and feel and smell palpable shame and childhood, give me carpentry to do, surrounded by brothers who all excel at it, but i cant talk to any of them because, a. Im the youngest and b.i'm tired of playing this godamned shtctick of a role about a person im not..i dont think any one of them has ever sked me how i am doing, what are my interests, i was the fucking cheerleader at the neighborhood football games that occurred 35-37 years right where i am back living

I have no social life, I'm just struggling, and at this point, about 7 or so years ago, I was cruising the corporate ladder with no end in sight! Now, I'm back
Iiving in town the where abuse took place, or whatever it was?i then turned
Around and explored my new found sexuality with my neighbor friend, who although advanced in height and " size", was still three years younger. I used to have amazing orgasms ( now, I was 10, 11, 12-13-14 or so, didn't take much for my member to rise to attention. He had a huge fucking dick, and pubic hair, and and we would go to the beach, lay naked in the hot sun, and it was some horny sticky times, we or I would also feel embarrassed, ashamed,it felt like what I was doing withnhim was was what was done to me, although we told his now lesbian cousin who oiled with them that we we were doing it and she freaked..meanwhile, we met playing " swat" and jumping from shed roofs, fighting bad guys and sticks as guns, and the 6 million dollar man.. I sensed he wasn't into it, but he got rock hard and he was huge, with pub's already never came though, but I remember him letting me spit between his clenched legs just like my experience with my " perp's" I think that's what they are called, and
My head on my shoulders, almost blew off each time i came, it was like fourth of July between my legs, i never felt such awesome pleasure coupled with indescribable shame and self hate and disgust with myself
25 years later, he killed his girlfriend and himself, and I wonder where my name
placement was on the bullets..now I see his mother driving by, and I try to wave, but its
too much, too Fucking much, then it stopped, he moved away, came back for summers, and there may have been one more mutually agreed trist, but I honestly can't remember, when i wasbeing "perped" i would go home and have my incredibly drunk and violent father call me ever " queer name" you could up with, and now i lokat that house, i can still see his rage and hatred of me, before that, earlust memory, had mybrotner urinate in my mouth, ehile the redt ofmy brothers watched in disgusted amazement. Itjrn, with a neighborhood girl, asked by my siblings and neighbor kids tooie with her on porvh and finger her, layon top of her...mortifying fkr noth of us...my sister was in florifa, and when she camehome, she demanded a repeat performance..i look at those houses where it happened ebery day, my own "nam" I can remember, my mother finally returning home from the trip, and i hugged and sat in her lap for an hour and cried and cried, i have since told her, but she doesn't remember me crying, i was 5, and i cried in the house i am writing this in right now morning.. so on, and my kids
are both at age when my abuse got going, started and also when it began to feel too good too not want it..inn fact yearn for it or it, miss it, it was my one link to feeling good with another boy- man-child whatever he was, they were.
since. I'm not sure if I was abused, or just gay, searching for playmates, and this is the struggle I've been in for most of my life. I also have taken to wearing cock rings"? And
it makes me reel so fuckin " guy like" like yeah, you fucking dudes, i gotta dick, a good strong hard dick, cock, whatever, and it's its fucking mine, to do what i want you bastards,and heres my hairy balls dude, how bout these awesome things, there MINEI
I walk differently, I feel differently, and it doesn't feel unnatural, just like maybe it should
have happened 20 years ago, not at the age of 45? Plus I'm swimming in debt, and
have two houses both under water, I'm a walking nuclear meltdown.. I was hoping to
go to the oct weekend in Ohio, so I could meet these men who are me, ll do feel and think like me- this site has blown me away with the similarities. Oh yeah, p,us, wen I'm
strutting my around with my cock rings in, dick pushed out showing my goods, it's the
tucking dudes who I want to ensure they see it, caught two today look at the package and at me, and it felt monumental, so sick! They then know I'm a fucking guy too, and
fuck you all who took this away from me and why am I still struggling with this shit at
45.
That's my story, some otjer details ,but that's yesterday, and now, sorry for unloading on you man..facing pissed and fucking angry and beyond sad And confused in ct




Edited by ModTeam (08/16/11 10:50 PM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.