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#367952 - 08/11/11 10:22 PM Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Yep, that's what I was expecting when I confronted my abusers.

I mean, when I approached them, these pillars in my life that had made a few mistakes... criminally felonious mistakes, they were still mostly good people. They were trapped in the messages that abuse was perpetrated against them, so too they could abuse. No one had told them their parents and relatives were wrong, so they felt they too could abuse.

I have gone through intensive research and recovery, I have built up to this moment. No, not the first meeting, the actual confrontation, that was gonna be full of anger and resentment, guilt and fear, and it was. But the second meeting, when they asked for forgiveness, and I figured they would have many questions for me, and I could enlighten them on what they were trapped in, and we could become close knit survivors, progressing and recovering together.

Instead, I get a dry, "we have made some mistakes", and the very next thought was, "do you forgive me?!?!" they fully expecting me to do just that. And that is their life, no matter what I wanted, I knew them to be that way, cut and dry, matter-of-fact. I knew what to expect, but I did not listen, my perception was awash with conjecture and speculation.

No one, well, almost no one, can put aside the guilt and the fear of being confronted, and empathize with the survivor. It is not meant to be, so I will not be bitter about it.

"I will not be bitter about it"... but I am now. Where is the support and encouragement I received when I was younger, the tender care I desired when I hurt myself, where is it now?

Only I can support and protect me, encourage growth and dress my wounds, only I with my beliefs and convictions, my fellow survivors and my God, only we can heal me.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#370718 - 09/22/11 01:15 AM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: SamV]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
You got my support, mister.


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#370768 - 09/22/11 03:15 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: Thebo]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((thebo)))

That means a great deal to me, thank you.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#370795 - 09/22/11 11:53 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: SamV]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Maybe I am still a little incomplete in my forgiveness. My first thought was:

Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters...
...You didn't fill them with enough concrete.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#370830 - 09/23/11 12:20 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: MrEdd]
zraver Offline


Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 31
Loc: Conway, Arkansas
We don't forgive them for them, we forgive them for us. When we forgive we take back the power they stole from us. rage and resentment almost killed me twice- its poison and me drinking it and expecting them to get sick isn't going to happen.

But forgiveness has the power to convict their hearts. If they are human at all anyway. And if they aren't, at least I stopped drinking the cool-aid.

_________________________
How can some stuff last so long and be so fresh and yet I can't have that memory for good stuff.

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#370839 - 09/23/11 02:15 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: zraver]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Ha! Mredd, I hear yah brother, sometimes the hole isnt deep enough.

Zraver, sweet ride... honda 2000? I really enjoy your insight. You have been in deep recovery, it shows. Forgiving is tricky, how can I forgive what I could not fully comprehend? The damage was so intrusive and extensive I had no concept of the effects that so completely controlled me.
Forgiving me was a longer road, but the journey.., well I wouldn't have missed it.
Welcome to ms, I am enjoying your replied and look forward to interacting with you soon.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#370851 - 09/23/11 03:40 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: SamV]
MartinB Offline


Registered: 09/13/11
Posts: 22
Loc: New Jersey
I also confronted two of the four men who abused me as a child. In court, one of my perps constantly told the judge and my attorneys that "I seduced him." He was 39 when the abuse started, and I was 7 yrs. old. I've always wondered how a 7 year-old can seduce an older man. But that's how these guys operate, and even after years of placing the blame on the victim, they continue to use that bullshit to blame the victim later on, even when he was suppose to be defending himself in court.

Two of my perps are dead, one is in prison, and another is a "still" Catholic priest. Never once did anyone ever apologize to me and my family. Not the men who abused me and not the institutional church that protected the men who abused me. They instead continued to put the pressure on me, my family, and insinuated that the abuse was my fault and that these men did something that was merely a "lapse of judgment" that it was only a one time thing and never happened with any other boys. I would find out several years ago that at least of the two priests who abused me also abused other young boys, and that one of the two family friends who abused me when I was very young, was serving a prison term for raping a 6 yr. boy and his 10 yr.-old sister.

Even when these guys are caught and confronted it has been my experience that they still act like the animals they have always been.

_________________________
Please call me Martin. One of my abusers would call me "Marty" and it just brings back too many awful memories.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.- Winston Churchill

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#370854 - 09/23/11 03:47 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: MartinB]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
MartinB, man, that was a raw post. It is hard to hear that the most we can expect from the abusers, even before a judge with all the evidence is that it was not their fault, and it probably was the victims.

Like a dog that has chewed through all the clothes and garbage in the house, and then whimpers when one scolds. Even dogs will roll over and expose their bellies, signalling submission to the authority, these "men" are not fit to be called animals.

I feel your frustration, MB, keep posting, keep sharing, and let the world no they cannot hold you down.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#370857 - 09/23/11 04:15 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: SamV]
MartinB Offline


Registered: 09/13/11
Posts: 22
Loc: New Jersey
Yeah Sasuva. I even have letters from one of the priests telling me that he would like us to get together for coffee. He started writing me letters about 3 years before i filed a civil suit against him. I have a tape recording of him essentially admitting on the phone about "the great times in the king size bed together" cause he always rented hotel rooms with one bed when he took me on trips. Not to mention I told the judge that he had taking lewd photographs of me while all this was going on but nothing has ever been recovered. I have the letters and the tape recordings and somehow he's got the sack to blame me still?

These guys just don't get it. That's how screwed up in the head they really are.

_________________________
Please call me Martin. One of my abusers would call me "Marty" and it just brings back too many awful memories.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.- Winston Churchill

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#370861 - 09/23/11 05:28 PM Re: Why confronted abusers make lousy supporters [Re: MartinB]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
It is true that confronting our abusers in person often just leads to more hurt. I find it is much better to write letters, and simply tear up any response that comes in. This allows us to let things out and empower ourselves with our own voice, without fear or censorship. I also think the moral demand that we deny our feelings and rights in order to forgive our abusers is very harmful. It helps them win, especially when it leads to the promulgation of abusive families. Alice Miller wrote two great articles on the subject:
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=48&grp=11
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=52&grp=11



Edited by Vadrian (09/23/11 05:30 PM)

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