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#367935 - 08/11/11 03:01 PM How did your husband disclose to you??
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi partners
I'm doing a little personal research and I was wondering.

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

These are a few questions running around in my head, so If you would let me know I would be eternally grateful.

Heal well all

Martin

_________________________
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#367938 - 08/11/11 04:31 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
1. He came home from the therapy he was seeking for porn addiction and said something like "I was abused when I was a child"

2. I never in a million years would have guessed he was abused. I was also surprised about the porn addiction.

3. He immediately QUIT recovery. It took 3.5 years, return of porn and confessed affairs for him to return to a recovery program. Him getting help is was the only thing I would accept in exchange for not leaving him.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#367972 - 08/12/11 01:34 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Eldee
Thanks for the honest answers

Stay strong
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
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#367996 - 08/12/11 12:09 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
I found out that he had been cheating on me. Confronted with his transgressions and the real possibility of me leaving I think he felt forced to tell me.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Very much. First I suspected something, then discovered the cheating. However that took place early in our relationship when we were head over heels in love. So the cheating somehow didn't make sense to me. Then anything he told me about it didn't make sense (you know the picking-up-men-from-craigslist-story).
Whatever he told me, however he appoligized and however he tried to make it look like he was just had a big sexual appetite there was a gut feeling that there was more to it.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
No. He keeps finding reasons to postpone, the new job, the big project, the summer vacation, etc. etc. But he started reading some books about it and is slowly, slowly opening up to the idea of therapy.


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#368030 - 08/13/11 02:29 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Shawushka]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Shawushka
Your so brave and I appreciate your responding to the post.
Heal well and look after yourself

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
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#368033 - 08/13/11 04:22 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
kjessie Offline


Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 28
Hey Martin

1. Within the first weeks we met online, before even falling in love, he mentioned he was abused as a kid. That was it. The whole story came out 2 moths later.


2. Well I know about the abuse before I really knew him well, so there was no time for me to suspect.

3. He just started therapy 2 weeks ago, because he being a student didn't give him the chance to pay for therapy.


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#368238 - 08/16/11 02:17 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: kjessie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Kjessie

You guys keep up the good work in your country, You are a inspiration to me In my country.

Keep in touch.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368744 - 08/23/11 10:08 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
He was freaking out one night over watching a news piece about abusive priests and I just screamed at him (I had just had enough at this point) "what the f*ck is your problem" until he finally told me.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes. Years into our relationship though. He was different before we had kids.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
No. That came a few months later after a suicide attempt had him laid up in the hospital for a while. well....actually he tried some therapy beforehand but she didn't know what she was doing.


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#368753 - 08/23/11 02:28 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Sugarbaby
Thanks for the honest answers

Hope all is going well, or at least better.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368818 - 08/24/11 07:05 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
4grace Offline


Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 6
1. He came home one day and over dinner told me that our 25 year marraige was over.
2. I knew he had been depressed and thought it was over his dad who had taken ill and was never again himself. I definitely knew something was seriously wrong after he came home and made his announcement - he didn't even sound like himself - it was like an alien walked into our house. In the two weeks that followed I found out he was involved emotionally with someone else and was able to convince him to get help.
3. After my discovery he began therapy and is still in therapy. It was during therapy that his 35 year secret was disclosed. He came home from therapy one night and told me what happended to him as a boy. It was difficult in that I also new the person - a family friend. I love him and believe in our marraige and family and so I am doing my best to stand by him and just hope that he will be able to heal himself and that we can heal our relationship.



Edited by 4grace (08/24/11 07:10 PM)

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#368883 - 08/25/11 04:33 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Quote:
Hope all is going well, or at least better.



All is well, thank you.


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#368884 - 08/25/11 04:35 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
SB

Glad to hear that, Stay strong girl and don't let it get YOU down.

Martin

_________________________
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#368886 - 08/25/11 04:48 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Thanks, That was a while ago now- well 2008 but it seems a world ago.

I think if he had been able to get proper help initially that it wouldn't have worked out as it did.


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#369762 - 09/08/11 01:04 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi all

Just bringing this one forward as I would like more replies to help me in group, It helps with a theory I have, and use as an example for families of survivors.

I appreciate all the answers posted so far but would like a wider study.
Thanks all
Martin

_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#369768 - 09/08/11 02:36 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

He disclosed shortly after one of his "episodes". I had no idea what was happening at the time.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

Not prior to that first episode. But after educating myself on CSA, yes, all of his behaviors and acting out made sense.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

No. And after attempting about a year or so later and never returning, things just weren't going to work out.


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#370251 - 09/16/11 04:11 AM . [Re: whome]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

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#370392 - 09/17/11 10:49 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
1. He was in therapy for his sex addiction. Slowly his abuse leaked out. His memories are leaking out still. They just keep getting worse. I wonder how much he can take, how much I can take.
2. No I didn't suspect he was abused. We have been together for 15 years and I recently caught him cheating, but never thought he was abused.
3. Has been very open to therapy. I am amazed at how hard he is working.


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#370417 - 09/18/11 03:22 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
No_intimacy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Mesa, AZ
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
After being together for about 10 years, he told me suddenly and without planning to. We were having THE fight - that same repeated fight we would have once each year: Our son was about 5 years old and he was pushing me to have another child. I wanted a commitment, marriage, an emotional connection, progress in the relationship, SOMETHING before putting myself into a more vulnerable situation. He was responding in the same way he always had before; a volcano exploding, bullying, rageful with no chance of resolution. Finally, he spit it out as an explanation for his inability to commit. In other words, he felt the CSA made him too damaged for marriage. He was as surprised at the disclosure as I was at hearing it. He then instantly regretted telling me, went to bed and buried his head muttering that I'd never be able to look at him the same again. This of course was not the case. I've been though hell and back to stay with this man.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes. Almost from the very beginning of dating him something seemed off. At times I'd get a gay or bisexual vibe from him although he is a VERY manly man. Also, an intimate rapport never developed, although I would tell myself that it would in time. Although we did marry after child number two and we've been together for more than 23 years, that intimate rapport has never developed.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope. Another 13 years have past since he disclosed the CSA to me and he still has not embraced recovery. He has not told anyone else and does not discuss it with me. I goaded him to come with me to my therapist for a few sessions upon discovering an emotional affair and a methamphetamine addiction in 2005, but to no avail. My husband also postpones beginning any recovery work until after finishing this or that project, having more stable finances, etc. The co-occurring mental illnesses of CPSTD/Addiction make taking that first step toward recovery even more fearful.

_________________________
_Mj

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#370563 - 09/20/11 11:32 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
Adam did not tell me until his brother told me how Adam had gone on to abuse his niece. His brother was drunk and doing that kind of random thought association thing and just dropped it in the middle of nowhere and continued to the next thought. I asked Adam later what it meant. He flew into a rage and called his brother a liar. I called his other brother who is the father of the niece who reluctantly told me. I called Adam home early from work and said it was an emergency. He immediately piped in with he did it because he was abused. He remembers none of his abuse. A shrink put it in his head. Said he acted like an abuse victim. Anytime, he was confronted with what he did to his niece, he excused it with that he was abused. As an abuse victim myself, I have blocked a good portion of what happened to me but I can tell you who and the jist (sp) of it. He remembers nothing. It supposedly happened when he was 2. His mother was a stay at home mom. It would have had to have been one of his brothers or his mother. I am not saying it's impossible but highly unlikely. His up until currently shrink said it was bad form that the other shrink would even suggest such a thing. Putting it in his head like that. But Adam flew into a full on rage and never wanted me to speak to his family again, etc. etc. I found out from the brother who told me that Adam was a sociopath. I did not say anything. I just listened and he told me about his life and accomplishments and they were all things that Adam had taken credit for and blended into his persona.

I can tell you as far as when I disclose my own personal sexual abuse. I have certain things I do not let people do to me. So if I get to that level with a person, I do disclose that I have been abused and there are certain ground rules. No going near the butt (I will not get more graphic than that), no tying me up or gagging me, no like slapping around or talking dirty type foreplay (calling me a whore or anything like that), and no having sex with anyone under the influence. I set those ground rules with anybody I sleep with. No pornography. No means no. Stop means stop. I know I am a woman so it's different but I thought you still might find it interesting


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#370595 - 09/20/11 08:17 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
anniec56 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 3
1. My husband of 34 years wrote me a letter after a frightful arguement about religion.

2, Something was wrong, lots of anger, yelling bible qoutes at me, but I never suspected abuse,a very quiet gentle man

3, No, I bought him Victims no Longer, he never told me if he read it or not, and I immediately went into therapy.

It is sad because he is a good man,loving husband and if he talked to someone professionally it would only open up the door and allow him to get rid of the demons that are buried inside of him, by telling me I know it helped but he needs more that just me listening to his story.


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#370628 - 09/21/11 01:49 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Anniec

I don't usually respond to posts to this question, but I cant PM you.
Don't forget that your husband sees this as a failure as a man. It is not going to be easy for him to admit this and go to therapy.
Don't force him Just love him, but more importantly, don't let him abuse you in any way.
Get yourself into a CODA program or and Al-Anon Program. The wonderful ladies here will help YOU to cope with what is about to happen in your life. It is gong to be a rough ride but don't give up, there is hope.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#370632 - 09/21/11 06:54 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
anniec56 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 3
This happened over a year ago this month. After a roller coaster ride and a great therapist for myself, and reading the board throughout there have been boundary's set, and even though I know his life could be better, it was his choice to get help and I have never forced the issue after suggesting it once. As to abuse, after this one incident in 34 yrs and him telling me his story the verbal abuse has never occurred again.( part of the boundaries set)took the rough ride, now just little bumps in the road,with a lot of love in between and hope that someday he will be all that he can be


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#371137 - 09/27/11 01:57 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Need more ywall, (supposed to be southern expression)

_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
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#372469 - 10/15/11 04:03 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi all partners

Still trying to get more input, these are questions for my family group here at home so all your experience will help

_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
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#372474 - 10/15/11 04:36 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Martin--

ben and i aren't partners, or even dating right now...but i do seem to be "that man" so to speak given everthing below...

i am a 41 year gay male...and my survivor is a 31 year old guy in his first year or so of recovery.

we met nearly three years ago and our pwerful connection happened at first sight...we grew close very fast and had a long courtship that was wonderful, but very confusing for about 6 months. he was tender and emotionally intimate in deeper and more meaningful ways than i had ever experienced before. his love and adoration for me was clear and obvious to everyone, but every time it seemed like we would finally hook up, he awkwardly and abruptly ended the evening and ran home.

suffice it say, eventually we did hook up. the sex was powerfully emotional, and great. so much so that afterward i chuckled about my confusion all that time about whether he was straight or gay, or whether i would be his very fist same-sex encounter because he seemed very experienced and had no reservations.

the next 6 months, however, while a continued courtship that remained loving and deeply emotionally intimate, was only physical one or two more times, and in between he was back to the awkward running away at the end of the evening.

while very slow, and very confusing for me given that the seal had been broken so to speak, i just figured he had some baggage from his past that made him skiddish about commitment or about coming out (which he did not seem to be)...although at the very beginning he identified himself orientation-wise as being "just ben"...which overall made me conclude he was bisexual and was unsure about whether he wanted to be partnered with a man or a woman.

6 months into the post sex period, laying in bed with me in the middle of the night after having declined sex several hours earlier, he told me about the abuse and that i was the only person he had ever trusted and loved enough to tell...and the real journey began.

at that time he was not in counseling, and had not ever addressed the abuse before. over the next several months he continued to bring it up and he told me about his deep love for me, but also about the terrifying nightmares i had triggered and the lostness and despair he was in, and all the other usual things we have all experienced with our survivors.

he told me that i was the first and only man he had ever been with, and that i was the only man he ever would be with. his life before me had been exclusively straight, and extremely hypersexual and hypermasculine...he had slept with countless women, hundreds and hundreds over the years...he had been a player of the most extreme proportion i had ever known.

nevertheless, it seemed clear that i was now the primary most important human to him, and that this was a journey he needed to explore but that i was the one he was journeying from in order to figure himself out...i was the one he always was emotionally intimate with and everything else was simply an experiment to figure out whether this new path of being with a man was indeed the right thing for him.

from his disclosure for about a year there was no sex of any kind. but our mutual emotional intimacy continued to palpably deepen almost every day...he showered me in very personal gifts and love all the time, and his visible in-love feelings were so noticeable that, for example, even strangers commented to us about how wonderful our love for one another made even them feel touched when they were sitting next to us at a bar.

with my gentle encouragement and support, he eventually made the decision to start counseling.

if you need more, the rest of my complete story is in my post earlier today..."rallying to stay, or rallying to go"


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#372533 - 10/16/11 03:49 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
My husband disclosed to me on September 2, 2010. We have been married since 1990, we have 5 children. 4 boys(all older 24-16) and 1 girl (4 years). He told me quite by accident. Or he had not intended on telling me. We were separated for a week or so and had spent a couple of wonderful days together. After those days I sent him an email saying that our separation was to give us time to decide if we should work on our marital issues. Those issues were respect, money problems, h keeping secrets with the kids. A combination of 22 years of together that was broken. Told him we needed to be open and honest with each other. Have a different kind of marriage. I knew about an infidelity that happened early in our marriage and we never really discussed it. I thought there was more so we needed to talk. I tricked him by saying I knew more. So basically fess up and we can work on this.
He proceeded to tell me that he has been cheating on me since the beginning of our marriage. He has never been faithful. He has been going to strip clubs and prostitutes since we were dating. Really crazy crazy sex addiction stuff. After he was done, I was sitting in stunned silence. He was crying, telling me how much he loved me. Was sorry etc.
I turned to him and just asked one question.

"Were you sexually abused as a child?"

He looked at me. Stunned, his mouth open slightly. and just said "Yes"

Total silence.

I sat down on the floor in front of him. He was on the couch.

I began to ask questions. "How old were you", "How long did it go on", "How did it start,", "who was your abuser", "Did he threaten you", "Are you still afraid", "have you ever confronted him", "do you want to confront him", "Do you feel shame", "Do you blame yourself". "how do you hold a child responsible for such an evil crime?" "where is your compassion for that little boy?"
I then used comparisons of our boys when they were 9, 10, and 11 and brought him back to the mind of a child. Reminding him how innocent kids are at that age. How they NEED protection as much as they protest they know what they are doing. They are in control. etc. We need to protect children. It's our job. It was his Mother's job to protect him. That love can conquer ALL. That GOD can conquer all.
He began to talk and talk and talk. For hours! I found out more about him in those few hours than in our entire marriage. His feelings of insecurity, loneliness, how scared he was. He didn't know WHO he was.
He wanted to know who he was, is he the monster that would sexually betray his wife OR is he the giving, generous, man of faith everyone else sees.
I said you are BOTH.
I told him it is very common for victims to take some of the blame just because they are present, because they felt pleasure (body response) and actual pleasure (because they enjoyed some of it). That little boys cannot control their body response and yes, sex is enjoyable. BUT YOU WERE VICTIMIZED AND EXPLOITED! You were groomed for this, YOU WERE RAPED! you did not volunteer or give your consent because little 9, 10, 11 year old boy CANNOT GIVE CONSENT!
"YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME", "FORGIVE THAT LITTLE BOY THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROTECTED, DON'T BLAME HIM", STOP PUNISHING HIM. HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.

On my knees, I told him about God's forgiveness, I told him that he is insulting God by walking around in the bondage of Shame. It is not his to carry. Forgive himself, forgive that lonely little boy who was just looking to impress an older boy and was victimized by him.

I hugged him and whispered. "I wish I could have protected that little boy, I love him so much and I would have protected him". everyone used to call him Robbie when he was little, I said "Robbie, it was not your fault. Not your fault and I am so so sorry. "I love you Robbie". I put my hands on his head. Touched my forehead to his. Said the Lord's prayer out loud to him. And just held him while he cried.

I ended with, "We're going to therapy, I will be with you every step of the way and never leave you. You will not face this alone. We are going back to save Robbie."
Two are always better off than one. Because if one of them falls, the other can help him up... Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of 3 cords is hard to break. Me, You and God.

He has been in Therapy for the CSA, Sex Addiction and marriage counseling. 3 times a week since September but we have an established relationship with the Therapist as our marriage counselor. He specializes in his practice... Childhood sexual abuse! (We had no idea, we thought he was just a marriage counselor)
DIVINE GUIDANCE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS Coincidence.

The road has been hell and its only week 7.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#372552 - 10/16/11 10:19 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 316
Loc: Texas
Annie, you are awesome.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#373272 - 10/24/11 09:08 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: MrEdd]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
I'm brushing my teeth, he's in the shower and says "What do you want me to tell you? That I was abused as a child?" I am stunned and silent - then the next day, just before bed, he tells me. No warning - no context.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
I think I always assumed something bad had happened to him - but didn't fathom this bad. Individual and couples therapy after affair discovered 4 months ago.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
He was already in therapy, but not with someone who knows about this stuff. I am hopeful.


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#373416 - 10/26/11 12:01 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thank you all for posting.
I know it takes courage to tell these stories, and I hope that they will all have happy endings.

If there are more brave partners out there I need more answers to get to some form of an answer.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373787 - 10/30/11 03:40 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

We had been together for 3 months. He took me on a romantic trip for my birth day. I wanted to have sex, he couldn't. He then said: I might as well be completely honest with you. Then proceeded to tell me everything. At the time I thought in quite a lot of detail, but actually he was very general about it. He told me he had a very tough time growing up. His dad had abused him sexually and his step-dad had physically abused him too. He said it resulted in a lot of anger and mixed feelings and as a consequence, he did poorly in school, and made bad choices, and he got sent away. he said he wanted to be honest with me because I deserved as much. He said his previous partner didn't believe him when he told her and that had upset him deeply, so he wanted to know soon(ish) how would i take it. He told me: if you now want to leave me I completely understand, but I would be very sad to lose you. At that point my heart broke into pieces, I realized I loved him very deeply, I hugged him, I told him I loved him and we spent the entire night talking about our pasts, under the stars, we saw the sunrise and it was a very beautiful experience for both of us.


2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Never, I thought he was the nicest guy I had ever met (I still do.)

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
NOT AT ALL. it took him two years and a lot of arguing and getting fired from his job to get him to think he needed help. But it has changed our lives. It is still challenging being with him but I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without him.


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#373830 - 10/30/11 10:02 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: misscrespo]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Misscrespo you guy sounds amazing. That is an amazing and touching thing he shared (and you shared here).

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373861 - 10/31/11 09:08 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: misscrespo]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hi whome. Thanks for all the help you have given me.

1. He told me of the abuse after I found out about the hooking up with anonymous men, hookers and phone sex. I really don't remember the details as I was in shock and in the midst of trauma. I am sre I didn't react in the exact right way, but let me tell you, shock and trauma. I would have never guessed he would have done the things he had done. It was obvious at that point he had been traumatized. I don't believe a man would ever do these things had he not been traumatized as a child especially when you are in an affectionate, sexual marriage. Only a wounded man would pick those "activities" when he has a willing wife at home.

2. After he quit drinking, and I found out about the sexual dysfunction, yes, I did suspect something was off but I would have never guessed any of this. NEVER!

3. Yes, SA and SAA, after a few years of AA. Start4ed therapy right away but has been slow surrendering to the process. Things seem to be getting better. I have to say seems because after all the trauma, I can't trust my own perceptions anymore. That is one of the most sad things about all of this.

Hope this helps.


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#375243 - 11/13/11 11:03 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
My husband never told me. He told my grandson's mother during a conversation in which she confided in him her own CSA. He told her of his abuse so she would not feel alone. They were having an affair at the time. She was the only human being he'd ever told. I only learned of his abuse after discovering their affair. It's when I confronted her about the affair that she told me he'd prostituted himself in his past.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes, but I could never put my finger on it. But during our ten year marriage, things happened (inappropriate, juvenile, selfish behaviors) and sometimes, when drinking, he would reveal incidents that occurred in his past that would stun me and leave me wondering who I'd married. I chalked a lot of it up to his being physically and emotionally abused by his father as a child. That is certainly the foundation of his dysfunction, but it wasn't the nail in the coffin. The discovery of the affair, and all of the other associated horrors is what brought it to light. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I guess it all was a blessing...? Now, he can heal, I pray.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
We are in the first steps of that now. We've spent the year since my learning of the affair working through the acting out behaviors that devastated our marriage, family and lives. It was only in the last month that it dawned on me that what happened to him (prostituting himself) after he ran away from his abusive home at age 16 was actually CSA! I guess because I learned of his prostitution in conjunction with learning of his adult behaviors of having an affair with someone I'd cared for as my own daughter, his use of prostitutes, his hiding of vodka all over the house, and so many more crimes committed by a grown man, it didn't CLICK that his "prostitution" was when he was a homeless, runaway CHILD of SIXTEEN! He was sexually abused! What a wake-up call! I'm ashamed that I was blind to that for so long, but having so many injuries inflicted, I think we had to stop the bleeding before we could find the wound. Our recent discussions of the abuse has been astounding as he never viewed it as abuse either. Instead, like so many on this site, he felt shame and thought he had been the one in control back then. It has been an eye-opening month for us both! The repair work has just begun with the help of this site and the many resources (books) I've plowed through. We have just begun seeing a counselor together.

I hope this is of help to you.

Blessings!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#375256 - 11/14/11 02:02 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hero
Don't be ashamed, we survivors are very good at hiding things.
You are a very courageous person, and don't forget it. Remember to give yourself a pat on the back occasionally, you deserve it.
Thanks for posting, and yes it does all help.

I am trying to establish a pattern, which I think is beginning to emerge, so thank you

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377982 - 12/03/11 05:02 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I would like more input on this if you feel so inclined.
There are a few new people on the site.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378042 - 12/04/11 12:19 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Taurus Offline


Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 13
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

Oh, after a 3 year marriage in which I finally had to leave because of his increasingly erratic behavior which became scary. I've known this man for 9 years and never thought I would be afraid of him. He finally told me one night after I had left and he just broke down crying.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

Yes, I suspected something was wrong from the honeymoon on. There was such sexual dysfunction that I asked him several times during our marriage if he had been sexually abused. He always told me no. There were also bouts of rage, punching out walls and throwing things onto the floor. I had NEVER seen nor imagined he could ever be like that before I married him. And we knew each other for 6 years before we married. We also were old-fashioned in deciding to wait until we were married for intimacy to occur. There were issues on our honeymoon night....

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

No. I wish he would. When he disclosed, he told me the abuse was why he never had any relationships and always just stayed home living with his father. He also told me that's why he had trouble making love to me. Now, he says that the abuse "wasn't that aggressive" so it didn't have a big impact on him.

Well, if you can't make love to your wife and want to and you couldn't have any relationships because of this, I think it's a big deal!


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#378192 - 12/04/11 09:38 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Lady 123,

I also refused to go to a dentist except for pain bad enough to keep me awake. I though it was dental phobia until I was triggered about my sexual abuse that I put 2 and 2 together.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#378226 - 12/05/11 03:32 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Sailor John]
stripeysocks Offline


Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 43
Loc: US
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
We've had a very awesome relationship the 5 years we've been together. Sometimes around holidays when we'd drive several hundred miles to see his family he would act like a different person, get angry, etc. Then a close friend confided in us about his csa. Then the Penn State thing started and I was upset about it. As soon as this year's Thanksgiving hit my husband got really upset and withdrawn. Finally he told me.


2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
No. Things between us were always really good and the only time he would get upset was around Thanksgiving and Christmas when we'd get ready to visit his family. Since his mom was physically abusive I thought it was just the stress of seeing her. This Thanksgiving I finally felt like there was something more and after asking him a few times he finally told me.


3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
We are taking gentle steps with this and starting with talking to each other and reading some books. He was already being treated with Celexa for anxiety and has gone in a few times for stress counseling, but is not ready to see a therapist and I respect that having gone through therapy myself.


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#378410 - 12/06/11 08:52 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
He answered questions I asked as he was in/coming out of a nightmare. This took place early in the second year of our relationship.

2. Did you suspect something was wrong?
Sort of. In the first year we knew each other, he had a couple of episodes where he withdrew although we were in the same room, if you know what I mean [Of course you do. (((Hugs))) ] He was almost unreachable. The only thing that broke through was hugging him despite his telling me I shouldn't love or care about him. That was strong indication that something was going on.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope.


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#385130 - 02/10/12 03:55 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: eyesforward]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Found this thread and would like to continue it please. Odd the last reply in light of recent events.

Heal well all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#396385 - 05/07/12 05:54 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi

Thought I would bring this one back
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#405297 - 07/30/12 11:25 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All

Just wanted to bring this back for some of the newbies here to get their stories.

All in the name of research.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#405322 - 07/30/12 06:46 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
It was about 8 months of dating. I don't remember the context perfectly of the initial disclosure, but I remember it being somewhat casual. Still "new" and electric, I guess I didn't know enough to take major pause at his telling me. Now, it feels like a pebble in the pond. Fast forward a couple of months, we were on our way to his family when he dropped quite casually that his abuser would be at the function.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
He was always a bit "peculiar" I guess, but I tend to be drawn to the intriguing types. Fun loving, exciting, helpful, kind. His charisma definitely compensated for the emotional distance. As it was time for the emotional component of the relationship to kick in, his distancing started. A lot of "self-care/soothing" seemed to start - long baths/showers, major investment in hobbies, fantasy movies/books, etc. I felt like I didn't exist.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
HELLLL no. smile I was in therapy for "generalized anxiety" at the time we met. I continued going, and was open and honest. He was supportive. I invited him when we started to have problems a couple years into moving in together. It went ok, but the finger always came back at me. Looking back, I wonder if he hoped this would help me "get off his back" emotionally. A couple other approaches to symptom management failed for him, and now he is in counseling for treatment of a different issue. :-\

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#405324 - 07/30/12 07:11 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Originally Posted By: whome
Hi partners
I'm doing a little personal research and I was wondering.

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
We had been married for maybe 2 months, it finally came out after sexless nights and his freak outs.
2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes, I knew I was just waiting for him to tell me.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
No, it was prob a good 3 years before he got into therapy, and another year for him to really realize this wasn't working, he wasn't happy with his life or past taking over.

These are a few questions running around in my head, so If you would let me know I would be eternally grateful.

Heal well all

Martin


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#405700 - 08/03/12 12:01 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
He told me the first month we started dating. He also confessed an addiction to phone sex but said it had passed. I discovered after we were married that he was charging a large amount of money every month to phone sex operators. It wasn't until our second year of marriage, after his first one night stand that he confessed to, that I demanded the porn stop, the calls stop, and that he get his *** into therapy. He did for a few months. He stopped. Things calmed down before blowing all to hell 5 years later.

His therapist in 2006 was treating him for PTSD from a work accident. At his last session when the therapist was releasing him, my husband revealed his sexual abuse. The therapist told him they "didn't have time to get into that". Of course, that shut him down for the following years. Only just recently learned that tidbit.

I always knew our problems were related to his abuse but he would shut down at any discussion of it until last year when it became impossible.

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#405878 - 08/05/12 12:43 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 203
Loc: IDAHO
1) He hinted and I guessed but we don't talk about details

2)Oh yeah I been surrounded by CSA my whole life GRRRRRR!

3) Nope took it took 3 more years and he is just now going to therapy. (But his therapist doesn't know)
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#412790 - 10/11/12 12:38 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Partners

I posted this a while ago, and would like to ask the questions again of all the new members.
Please look at it and give some answers if you could.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412797 - 10/11/12 01:39 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
1. How did your husband disclose?
It was almost a year after we'd separated. He'd randomly called asking to come by, but i don't think disclosure was his intention. We had a great visit and were in the basement so he could gather up more of his things when I said "maybe one day I'll know what really happened with our marriage." He sat down, said "do you want to know?", folded his hands, hung his head and was silent for a few seconds before saying he was abused as a child and gave me very few details. We had a very intense discussion about a lot of thIngs, there were tears on both sides, and a month or so later he told me he felt really good about telling me.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes and no. Our sex life was terrible, but he always had a fitting excuse. He was tired from not sleeping well, his dad was sick, work was stressful, he'd gained weight and didn't feel good about himself. He never talked about his past. "it's in the past, it doesn't matter" he'd say. He drank...A LOT. There was a time when I thought he might be an alcoholic but he never drank to drunkenness...just a constant numbing. Except on our honeymoon when he got completely and utterly obliterated, and one other time about two weeks before he walked out on me. He HAD to move from our townhouse and to the country after just one year. "The front entrance is too small," he'd say. I thought this was all incredibly bizarre but I loved him unconditionally and we had an awesome life together so I just accepted what he said. I would never have made the link, though, because CSA is something I'd never been exposed to before. Early this summer when he said something about needing to learn that it's ok to trust and finding out what kind of man he is, I tweaked that there might be more going on than I knew. He told me two months later.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
No. In his mind it seems that leaving his marriage and disclosing to his affair partner is therapy. The betrayal I felt when he told me this was enormous. He does not see that this is simply more running, that he has to deal with his past. This includes his abuse and certain choices he's made in his life. I implored him to go to therapy last fall before I knew about his CSA but after i found out about his lies and ongoing D/s porn use, and he didn't go. More recently I told him I hoped from the bottom of my heart that he would go into therapy. He says he's done therapy before. Clearly it hasn't worked. He does not want to look at his past or his choices or himself.

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#412806 - 10/11/12 03:28 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Well in my case, partner but...

We met online, on a forum, not a dating site just a discussion forum, and not abuse related.

He posted a bit (very little) about his abuse, I keyed on it and sent him a private message. Got ignored for two days, then a reply. "Yeah well you won't believe me so, just go away."

I fired back, nearly in tears and why I felt the connection with him so fast, from so far away I have no idea but, I knew I had to reach out to him.

A few messages later, he figured out I did believe him and sent me one message I will never forget. "This is me shutting down, nothing to see here, move along." with a smile and a tongue sticking out.

A week, and part of the flood form him later, he sent a hug with "You know not everyone gets hugs from me?" His way of saying I felt save to get close to smile

Since his abuse has come out in waves, with him shutting down to process in between, but it's all good, he trust me and, that's a big thing,knowing his past, a priceless, rare gift and, it feels really good to be the recipient of that gift.

That goes both ways for us. So worth the shutdowns, being triggered by some of what he tells me, the tears, all of it is more than worth it for what we are building.

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#412841 - 10/11/12 07:41 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
..


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:26 PM)

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#412879 - 10/12/12 07:22 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
G1psy Offline


Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi Martin,


1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

He didn't, I put things together after a severe sexaddiction came to surface after being together for 13 years.

My husband was having an affair and was about to leave me and our family for the "other woman". I sort of pushed him to make a discision: her or me, (us).
He wanted to explore his feelings for her while in a relationship with me. I didn't permit that. I forced him to choose because of my own boundaries.

He choose me, us. I was so shocked of his lying and sercrecy, that i wondered and asked him if more was going on behind my back.
He confessed hooking up with men in public places, cinnema's, parking lots, public restrooms etc. Porn addiction, telephonesex, webcamsex, hookers and so on. He also disclosed other childhood events that just didn't make sense to me.
Like, he went to see his family doctor because the thought he had and STD when he was very young, (13) and presumably never had sexual intercourse. And more strange stuff like that.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
He was a man that i held so very high untill that point, trusted, a very gentle, friendly and modest man. Yet, looking back there where always some unexplainable feelings i had myself.
Prior to his disclosure i woke up in the morning from having a nightmare, and i screamed: "something very bad is going to happen!".
I never caught him looking at other woman, yet he had sexual fantasies about every woman he encountered, at work, neighbours, familymembers even...
I sometimes think you do pick up stuff from others, in this case my husband, allthough sometimes unconsiously.

I was shocked and was in shock for a year to come. I remember feeling like i was in a movie most of the time.
I worked as a mental health counselor myself for 13 years, even arranged meetings for man who where abused...
And i didn't know..

I new right away that something just didn't add up here. Did some research on sex addiction and read Jonathan Marsh's paper
"He Danced Alone", a few days after my husbands disclosure, and I "new" then.
Since than, "fragments" as i call them, come out. Fragments of severe abuse throughout his childhood with incidents at the boyscouts, incidents at home, (family) and so on.
My husband still flips between: it happend, and it didn't happen, one moment the "door is open", next moment its closed and unatainable.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

He went to the SLA right away, wich led to more guilt and shame, because the reason of the sexaddiction remains sort of unadressed. Talking endlessly about the acting out, was not helping at all.
After that he had two more counselors that just didn't help. Who focussed to much on the Sex addiction, lying, not taking responsebility etc.

My husband is now diagnosed with complex PTSD, and working with a very good therapist. he has to record the sessions where they are discussing the CSA incidents and then has to listen to them every day. Its called exposure therapy. The focus is to listen to the story of his own abuse without disociating, thus staying present.

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#413016 - 10/13/12 04:29 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Guys

Thank you so much for opening up, I really appreciate it and I know that it is tough for some of you to face the reality of what has happened

These are questions that I had a long time ago, I noticed that most men took a while to disclose and then from then on it took even longer before they began therapy and understood that the abuse has played a huge role in their current dysfunction.
Thanks for taking the time.

Heal well all
Martin
PS don't stop answering
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#413054 - 10/14/12 03:34 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
1. When we were dating, but already falling in love, he told me about a single incident with a man at his mom's church rubbing his aroused self on my H through clothing. Some time later, but before we were married, he told me about a 50 yo creep who ran the local arena skate sharpening shop. Told me this guy had him and other boys around the neighbourhood come over to his place all the time to look at porn. 5 years into our marriage he told me his older brother sexually and physically abused him from a very early age (he doesn't quite know) but from kindergarten or grade 1 until about 12 yo. 9 years into our marriage he told me that his older brother also abused his younger brother and that he had not only witnessed, but been involved. Recently, I found out the skate arena creep, which I previously did not know ever physically touched him, did in fact corner him one night after the other boys had left and had masterbated him to completion. Recently, I also found out that his brother used to get him high and this creep used to get him drunk.

2. While I always knew about abuse, the degree of it (and its impact on him) first began to become clear when he told me of his brother. This was shortly after our second child was born. It was a very difficult birth and both myself and our daughter almost did not make it. He was an unemotional zombie after and seemed like he was permanently distracted afterward. The day after this happened, he slept in at home and after my third, frantic call to him to come to the hospital because I was so exhausted and in pain from the birth experience that I desperately needed his help at the hospital. I was hurt, angry and resentful for so long after this because he appeared to completely not care. He said sorry a bunch or times, but it was robotic and insincere and I just wasn't getting anything from him emotionally.

Months later when I was recovered he was disinterested in any intimacy with me and sleeping on a couch in our bedroom so as not to "bother" me and our daughter (I was breast feeding her at the time so kept her in bed most night after the first feeding). He was binge drinking on and off and was not working hard at work. He was in sales, so it was easy for him to just slip home in the middle of the day without his employer knowing. I knew something was very wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. I know when someone is lieing, especially my H and he was about small silly things and was hiding things from me like the fact that he was smoking cigarettes again. I started to fear an affair because of the hiding and lack of intimacy, but it didn't feel right. I finally began to think he just didn't love me anymore and didn't have the balls to do anything about it because we had a young family. I finally confronted him and begged him to leave if he wasn't happy. This is when he broke down and told me he loved me more than he could ever say, that he didn't deserve me and told me about the years of abuse from his brother.

3. He did not start recovery until last month... 11 years into our marriage. At the time of disclosure about his older brother, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and had a one on one with the psychologist where he disclosed his abuse, but I have no idea to what degree and the doc accepted his statement that he was "over it". This went on for less than a year. We spent another year with a different marriage counselor. This ended this past summer. Neither previous psychologist had any positive impact. My H has body image issues and fluctuates between extreme forms of rapid weight loss to then rapidly putting the weight back on again. He fights impulses to spontaneously buy things or spend money to fill the void, fights a porn addition and has quit drinking after his final binge ocurred this summer in the presence of our kids. He has previously managed to keep them shielded from this. When he binges, it is like he is trying to kill himself. He drinks until comotose and ends in a barely coherent rant about how sick he is of this, how he can't stand it and can't go on like this anymore, and finds himself disgusting. Despite all of this, he actually has a very strong survival instinct and deep desire to be a healthy father and husband and be successful in his career. He has finally admitted he needs help to do this and has begun seeing a therapist with over 20 years experience with CSA and who ran a men's CSA group for many years in connection with a local hospital. After only 5 weeks, he is doing so much better than he was. He is warm, open and is communicating!! He still has much work to do and still constantly fights a desire to view porn on a daily basis. Thankfully, the alcohol was easy for him to give up... I don't think he ever craved it, just used it to obliterate the pain on occasion when he did drink. Either way, after this summer's incident, I made it clear that our kids would never see him like that again, even if I had to cut him out of our lives. He loves his children more than anything else in this world, and the desire to do better for them is a very strong motivator for him to get healthy now. I am sure the bumps in our road are not over, but things have been so positive lately and I will take it as it comes.

Heal well to you too Whome!
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#413127 - 10/14/12 10:51 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
SoniaDx Offline


Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 21
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

Within the first few months of our relationship we were talking about our sexual history and he mentioned his first time was when he was 14 with an older woman. I asked questions which he avoided answering but he did let slip that it was more than an isolated incident and she was in her 30s. I made a comment that if he were a girl and the partner was a guy this would be inappropriate. (little did I know i'd be eating those words.) He assured me it was fine and that was that until four/five years later.

DH finally disclosed that the experience was unwanted and harmful during an argument when I demanded to know what was wrong with him and asked him why he was avoiding sex with me. I felt bad that I pushed him into the disclosure but suddenly everything made sense.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

From the beginning I thought something was off about DH but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I made am observation to DH that he reminded me of someone who had suffered trauma as a kid, which he denied. DH began having issues two years in and we started counseling because I did not want to marry him given our current issues. Other issues with his mom came out during the course of counseling and we were actually getting better. Before our wedding things took a nose dive.

After the wedding within the first 3 months of being newlyweds DH snapped. He became unrecognizable and our therapist and I were at a loss that he had suddenly back peddled so much after over a year of progress. I knew something was seriously wrong but it took 3 months before he finally was able to disclose.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

I was fortunate that we were already in therapy and our therapist was able to convince my husband to see a counselor who was able to fully deal with his CSA. He resisted for another month but after telling DH that he owed it to his inner child to get help he finally agreed. He remained in individual therapy for about 9 months. I think he got all he was going to get out of therapy at this point in his life, he may choose to go back eventually if a new life event triggers him. He has learned coping mechanisms and I have learned now to help him and not take things personally. And now I can say he probably only gets triggered once every five or so months.

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#413205 - 10/15/12 04:55 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Hailwic Offline


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 19
1) He dropped the bomb in marriage counseling

2) No, he I never even suspected that anything like that was the problem. I thought his avoidance meant he didn't want to be with me anymore

3) NO

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#414145 - 10/24/12 08:34 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
he never had any memories and never told me. then he abused my daughter and i made his life hell. then he got memories, as he was frequently pestered with the abuse topic, and those he told me immediately. i didnt believe him a thing he said, thought he makes it up as a stupid defence strategy, but it came out as true.
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#422030 - 01/14/13 12:18 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
2 years after we first got together, while he was drunk/high/both, he was barely coherent, but said some things: "my problems are way too much for you to handle", "I was raped by my brother and his mates", "Are you happy now that you know?"
He then never spoke about it again, unless he was in a drunk coma-like state again, where he would say he "needs to end it", not sure exactly what he meant by that. I still do not know any of the details, if it occurred once or over a period of time etc. All I know is that I am the only person he has told.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
I knew there was something up because he was drinking/partying A LOT leading up to the disclosure, never spent any time with me, would go AWOL all the time, found out later he was doing hardcore drugs for many months. I never knew it was CSA specifically though, just something seriously not right with his emotional state.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope. Now, exactly one year later, he has not taken the step to start therapy/ready any books/join this site/deal specifically with CSA. He did go to a seminar for depression in general though, in Dec 2012. Yesterday, I made the decision to leave after 2 years of hell, I truly hope he now gets the help he need.

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#437438 - 06/08/13 04:50 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi there

I see that there are a lot of new people on MS these days I and I am keen to bring back this topic so I can get a little more insight.

Id appreciate your hlp on this.

Martin
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#439451 - 06/28/13 01:47 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
lostpartner32 Offline


Registered: 06/18/12
Posts: 16
Loc: southeast
1. He was living with his mother because I kicked him out when I found out he was emailing men from a dating site. He said he wanted to talk so we met up and he told me. We had been married 5 years when he disclosed.

2. I always knew something was not right. One drunken night right after we were married I caught him fondling another man, various times caught him watching gay porn and many, many sexual issues. I never suspected abuse. I though maybe it was lack of experience and maybe curiosity. I am his first and only lover.

3. He started seeing a therapist but it was not the right one for him. He had a couple of relapses into the talking to other men. After the last one I told him it was either get help or I am gone, he found a good therapist and started EMDR therapy for his abuse. Went for about 6 months and stopped. He recently found another therapist due to all his sexual issues that he swears do not stem from the abuse.

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#439697 - 07/01/13 06:43 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
My girlfriend guessed somehow...I don't know how that happened.

When I have another girlfriend/wife i'm not going to tell (i don't think it would be relevant in some ways). I have "forgiven" my abusers- i think it would be difficult for my future girlfriend/wife to do the same. I don't want to open that book. It will probably be obvious that i have been abused because i still do work in this field in other respects, but i wont give her details. Maybe when we grow old and i am like 60 years old or something lol.
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"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#440300 - 07/07/13 05:02 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks LP32
I am so sorry that this has impacted on your life and that you haev suffered because of it, Take care of yourself and stay strong.
Bless you

King Tut

Starting a relationship on a lie is never a good plan. Find healing before you get into another relationship

Heal well

Martin
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Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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